Sunday, May 3, 2015

"Good Deeds" comedy monologue by Clint Synder - guest blogger

Another fun monologue from a guest blogger:

"Good Deeds"

Talking to a school newspaper reporter about community service.

     Oh, I’ve definitely noticed a rise in the population of ugly people at my school.  Ugliness has become a national pandemic and I have taken it upon myself to do anything in my power that I can to stop it and help the less fortunate.  Every decade has a different problem.  For the 2000’s it was cancer.  For the 90’s they had a bunch of weird diseases.  For the 80’s they had a bunch of bad hair problems.  For the 70’s they had all those stupid flower thingys.  So, in order to help out the poor ugly souls of the world I started a consultation service.  I walk around the lunchroom and shout at people how they are hideously ugly.  I figure that the first step to fixing the problem is being aware of it and most people don’t even seem to know it… isn’t that sad? (She fakes tears.) Wa! Wa! Wa! Those looked real right?  I want to have tears in my eyes when I accept whatever award they give me for being so generous. (Shouting at random people she notices.) He Jenny! Your nose looks like a rhino smashed up against a window! Doreen! Change your shirt! Muffin tops are not just a breakfast food! (Returning to normal.) Whew! All this community service is wearing me out.  Do you want to see what my angel wings are going to look like in heaven?  I’ve been practicing my flapping all morning.  Watch. (She starts flapping her arms.) Flap, Flap, Flap, Flap.  Oh, and I just thought I should let you know your unibrow looks like a hairy caterpillar across your face.  Don’t worry.  You don’t need to thank me.  Less ugly people in the world is thanks enough.  Well, I’m going to take a nap.  You know, beauty sleep.  I wouldn’t want to look like, well, you.


Copyright © 2015 Clint Snyder

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