Saturday, June 25, 2016

Big Nose Part 1 free short comedy funny stage play script

BIG NOSE
by D. M. Larson

PART 1
(Lights come up on a poorly constructed set. There is a balcony with odd colored cloth hanging down and a backdrop that is supposed to be a castle. Two men enter in Shakespearean type dress. They are very bad actors who think they are very good)

CAPTAIN
Look at yonder window, friend. She awaits me, she does.

SOLDIER
Doth she?

CAPTAIN
She does.

SOLDIER
But doth she love thee?

CAPTAIN
She does.

SOLDIER
So good for you.

MAN
(From audience)
So bad for us!
(He and FRIENDS laugh. The two actors take a quick glance out in surprise then quickly get back in character)

CAPTAIN
Uh... yes. She loveth me. She wroteth a letter.
(Takes it out. Sniffs lovingly)
Ah, doth though smelleth her fragrance? Doth thou find it heavenly?

SOLDIER
(Excited)
I smell. I smell.
MAN
You can say that again.
(He and friends laugh. The two actors try to hide their anger, but they don't do it well)

CAPTAIN
Tonight, I shall go to her. Tonight. Tonight!

MAN
When?!

CAPTAIN
(Angry. Trying to be more dramatic)
Tonight!

MAN
(Mocking)
I can't hear you.

CAPTAIN
(Turns to run off the stage)
Now look here!
(SOLDIER grabs him)

SOLDIER
I can not let you go to her.

CAPTAIN
(One more look at MAN then gets back to play)
Why doth thou stopeth me?

SOLDIER
Because she is to be mine.

CAPTAIN
Then we must fight to our deaths.

MAN
We can only hope.

SOLDIER
(They pull swords)
We fight for love!
(They dual. MAN sings "Love Boat Theme." He gets FRIENDS to join in. CAPTAIN is stabbed)

CAPTAIN
Oh, my heart. My loving heart. My heart is stabbed. I can love no more.

SOLDIER
Oh, my captain. I have slain thee. But how?

MAN
What do you mean "how"? What's that in your hand, a swizzle stick?

CAPTAIN
I die now. I die. I leave thee to love for I can love no more. My heart is worn. My blood will pour this night no more. I leave my sword, my rank, my love. You have it all now. You have everything I desire.
(Cough)
I die and leave thee. I die and leave thee these words.

MAN
Will you just die already?!

CAPTAIN
(Jumps up)
I've had it with you!

MAN
It's a miracle. He's alive.

CAPTAIN
(Picks up his sword)
Come on, whoever you are. I've had it with you. One night is bad enough but three in a row!

MAN
(Leaps up onto the stage)
Do you not know me?
(The man is CYRIL DE BURG, local jokester. He is well known for his big nose)

CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. I know you now. I've heard about you. You're the one with the big nose.
(Gasp from CYRIL'S FRIENDS)

FRIEND
(From audience)
You shouldn't have said that.

CYRIL
You're offended by my nose?

CAPTAIN
It is no stranger than a dog with two tails.
(He laughs but no one laughs with him)

CYRIL
There was a poem a read once. It goes something like this:
(Picking up a sword)
"Roses are red. Violets are fuchsia. What you dish out, comes right back to ya!
(And CYRIL quickly unarms the CAPTAIN with a twist
of his sword)

CAPTAIN
(Looks at empty hand)
How did you...?
(Backs away)
No hard feeling, huh?

CYRIL
None at all.
(CAPTAIN starts to go)

CYRIL
I look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.

CAPTAIN
Oh, no.

CYRIL
Oh, yes.

CAPTAIN
Oh, golly.
(Exits)

ROXY
(Comes out on balcony)
What's going on out here?

CYRIL
(To audience)
Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for. The farewell. When we last left our hero, he was flat on the floor, bleeding and giving some terribly boring speech. But his fair lady comes out and sees him dying. She calls out to him:
(He points to her)

ROXY
(She gives him a dirty look)
What is this?

CYRIL
And she says...

ROXY
(Sighs. Speaks flatly)
Oh, but I must have one good-bye kiss.

CYRIL
And so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to climb up to her.
(He does actions. The ROXY looks very annoyed. He is almost to her)
He wants that one last kiss. The kiss he has been dreaming of. But before he can reach her he tosses the mortal coil. UHHH!
(He dies and falls. Looks out at audience)
And dies.
(Stands up)
Finally.

ROXY
That isn't how it ends.

CYRIL
It isn't?

ROXY
No.
(She looks at him)
It ends with a kiss.

CYRIL
It does?

ROXY
Yes.

CYRIL
Really?
(He climbs up again)
Could you perhaps... show me?

ROXY
(She looks at him critically and then smiles. She leans to almost kiss him)
In your dreams.

GO TO PART 2

For permission to use this script, contact doug@freedrama.net (please include the title in your request).


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