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Saturday, June 25, 2016

Big Nose short comedy stage play script cast of characters and monologues

BIG NOSE

by D. M. Larson

10 minute selection from: Big Nose (A Modern Cyrano) by D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 1994, 2003

All Rights Reserved*

Cast of Characters

CYRIL (MAN): A local man who has a rather large nose.

CAPTAIN: A really bad actor who thinks he is great.

SOLDIER: Another equally bad actor.

FRIEND(S): A friend of CYRIL'S in the audience who can be played by one or more actors of either gender.

ROXY: An actress in the CAPTAIN'S play who catches CYRIL'S eye.

KELLY: CYRIL'S friend who runs the theatre.

Time and Place

A modern day community theatre in small town USA.

READ THE FREE PLAY SCRIPT NOW

Monologues related to this play:


Die and Leave Thee

Go Home



Never Touch

Big Nose Part 1 free short comedy funny stage play script

BIG NOSE
by D. M. Larson

PART 1
(Lights come up on a poorly constructed set. There is a balcony with odd colored cloth hanging down and a backdrop that is supposed to be a castle. Two men enter in Shakespearean type dress. They are very bad actors who think they are very good)

CAPTAIN
Look at yonder window, friend. She awaits me, she does.

SOLDIER
Doth she?

CAPTAIN
She does.

SOLDIER
But doth she love thee?

CAPTAIN
She does.

SOLDIER
So good for you.

MAN
(From audience)
So bad for us!
(He and FRIENDS laugh. The two actors take a quick glance out in surprise then quickly get back in character)

CAPTAIN
Uh... yes. She loveth me. She wroteth a letter.
(Takes it out. Sniffs lovingly)
Ah, doth though smelleth her fragrance? Doth thou find it heavenly?

SOLDIER
(Excited)
I smell. I smell.
MAN
You can say that again.
(He and friends laugh. The two actors try to hide their anger, but they don't do it well)

CAPTAIN
Tonight, I shall go to her. Tonight. Tonight!

MAN
When?!

CAPTAIN
(Angry. Trying to be more dramatic)
Tonight!

MAN
(Mocking)
I can't hear you.

CAPTAIN
(Turns to run off the stage)
Now look here!
(SOLDIER grabs him)

SOLDIER
I can not let you go to her.

CAPTAIN
(One more look at MAN then gets back to play)
Why doth thou stopeth me?

SOLDIER
Because she is to be mine.

CAPTAIN
Then we must fight to our deaths.

MAN
We can only hope.

SOLDIER
(They pull swords)
We fight for love!
(They dual. MAN sings "Love Boat Theme." He gets FRIENDS to join in. CAPTAIN is stabbed)

CAPTAIN
Oh, my heart. My loving heart. My heart is stabbed. I can love no more.

SOLDIER
Oh, my captain. I have slain thee. But how?

MAN
What do you mean "how"? What's that in your hand, a swizzle stick?

CAPTAIN
I die now. I die. I leave thee to love for I can love no more. My heart is worn. My blood will pour this night no more. I leave my sword, my rank, my love. You have it all now. You have everything I desire.
(Cough)
I die and leave thee. I die and leave thee these words.

MAN
Will you just die already?!

CAPTAIN
(Jumps up)
I've had it with you!

MAN
It's a miracle. He's alive.

CAPTAIN
(Picks up his sword)
Come on, whoever you are. I've had it with you. One night is bad enough but three in a row!

MAN
(Leaps up onto the stage)
Do you not know me?
(The man is CYRIL DE BURG, local jokester. He is well known for his big nose)

CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. I know you now. I've heard about you. You're the one with the big nose.
(Gasp from CYRIL'S FRIENDS)

FRIEND
(From audience)
You shouldn't have said that.

CYRIL
You're offended by my nose?

CAPTAIN
It is no stranger than a dog with two tails.
(He laughs but no one laughs with him)

CYRIL
There was a poem a read once. It goes something like this:
(Picking up a sword)
"Roses are red. Violets are fuchsia. What you dish out, comes right back to ya!
(And CYRIL quickly unarms the CAPTAIN with a twist
of his sword)

CAPTAIN
(Looks at empty hand)
How did you...?
(Backs away)
No hard feeling, huh?

CYRIL
None at all.
(CAPTAIN starts to go)

CYRIL
I look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.

CAPTAIN
Oh, no.

CYRIL
Oh, yes.

CAPTAIN
Oh, golly.
(Exits)

ROXY
(Comes out on balcony)
What's going on out here?

CYRIL
(To audience)
Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for. The farewell. When we last left our hero, he was flat on the floor, bleeding and giving some terribly boring speech. But his fair lady comes out and sees him dying. She calls out to him:
(He points to her)

ROXY
(She gives him a dirty look)
What is this?

CYRIL
And she says...

ROXY
(Sighs. Speaks flatly)
Oh, but I must have one good-bye kiss.

CYRIL
And so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to climb up to her.
(He does actions. The ROXY looks very annoyed. He is almost to her)
He wants that one last kiss. The kiss he has been dreaming of. But before he can reach her he tosses the mortal coil. UHHH!
(He dies and falls. Looks out at audience)
And dies.
(Stands up)
Finally.

ROXY
That isn't how it ends.

CYRIL
It isn't?

ROXY
No.
(She looks at him)
It ends with a kiss.

CYRIL
It does?

ROXY
Yes.

CYRIL
Really?
(He climbs up again)
Could you perhaps... show me?

ROXY
(She looks at him critically and then smiles. She leans to almost kiss him)
In your dreams.

GO TO PART 2

For permission to use this script, contact doug@freedrama.net (please include the title in your request).


Big Nose Part 2 free short humorous stage play scripts

BIG NOSE
by D. M. Larson

PART 2

(She pushes him off. KELLY rushes out and faces audience)

KELLY
Well, folks. That was an interesting twist in tonight's show. We will now have a ten minute intermission...

CAPTAI N
(Storms onto the stage. Rips up a contract in front of KELLY)
I quit!
(Exits)

KELLY
Let's make that a twenty minute intermission and we'll be back... with something.
(Angrily calls to CYRIL under her breath)
Get over here.

CYRIL
Something wrong?

KELLY
Thanks to you, the theatre group canceled the rest of tonight's performance. Now what am I going to do?

CYRIL
Hey! Let's have a community talent show.

KELLY
You mean right now?

CYRIL
Give a prize. That will make them happy.

KELLY
(Sighs)
I guess. What else can I do?

KELLY
(ROXY exits as CYRIL enters. He watches her go)
You ready?

CYRIL
Of course.
(To audience)
Everyone? Can I have your attention please? Due to a sudden attack of stupidity, we will not be showing our regularly scheduled play. Instead I present to you a talent show where you, the audience, can be a part of it. First prize... $100.

KELLY
$100?

CYRIL
(Aside)
Just play along.

KELLY
Easy for you to say. It's not your $100.

CYRIL
I'll start things off by reciting some of my poetry.

CAPTAIN
(Appears out of audience)
I thought you said this was a talent show. It can't be one with you in it.

CYRIL
You're still here? Did the rest of the theatre group leave without you?

CAPTAIN
Aren't you being a little nosey?
(Referring to CYRIL'S nose)
I guess you're probably always nosing around.
(CYRIL is mad. ROXY, SOLDIER, KELLY reappear on stage)
What's wrong? I guess nobody nose!

CYRIL
Is that all you can think up?

CAPTAIN
I'm sure I could come up with a few more.

CYRIL
I bet you can't.

CAPTAIN
Wanna bet?

CYRIL
Gladly.

KELLY
Cyril. What are you doing?
(CYRIL waves her down)

CYRIL
I challenge you to a dual of jokes. Whoever tells the most nose jokes...
(CAPTAIN is up on stage)

CAPTAIN
Yes?

CYRIL
(Thinks. CYRIL motions to ROXY)
Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.

KELLY
Cyril!

ROXY
No, it's okay.

CAPTAIN
(Comes onstage. Eyeing ROXY)
I'll gladly accept as long as it's a real kiss, not one of those stage kisses.

ROXY
(Winks at CYRIL)
It depends who wins.
(FRIENDS cat call from audience)

CYRIL
Shall we begin?

CAPTAIN
Okay, big nose.
(Laughs)
There's one.

CYRIL
That's it? I guess I shouldn't expect much from someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.

FRIEND
(From audience)
One - one!

CYRIL
No, no. We are insulting my nose, not his. Let's see. Oh, yes. Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not spite, my face.
(Looks at audience)
One - one.

CAPTAIN
Your nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.
(A few boos from FRIENDS)

CYRIL
Oh, let's give it to him. Two - one.
(Thinks)
Hmmm. Ah, here's one: Hey, that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!

FRIEND
Two - two!

CAPTAIN
(Frustrated. Then smiles)
I've seen a bigger nose. On an elephant.

CYRIL
Very good. Three - two.
(Thinks. Smiles)
On exercise: I've heard of people developing their muscles, but developing your nose? It's the noseflex exercise challenge.

FRIEND
Three all!

CAPTAIN
(Annoyed)
Uh, your nose is so big you... you...

CYRIL
See the snot before you hear the sneeze?

FRIEND
That point goes to Cyril.

CAPTAIN
He didn't let me finish.

CYRIL
Go ahead.

CAPTAIN
It's so big... you're always nosing around.
(Boos)

CYRIL
No point.
(CAPTAIN scowls)
Gracious: How kind of you! How many people put a bird perch on his face?

CAPTAIN
Now look here...

CYRIL
When you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look out! A chimney's on fire!"

CAPTAIN
Forget it... I'm through...

CYRIL
(Stops him)
But I'm just getting started. When you go to the movies, do they charge you twice?

FRIEND
Seven to three!

CAPTAIN
It is not!

CYRIL
(CAPTAIN is really ticked)
And for my final insult: Musical. Sing with me now:
(FRIENDS sing)
Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen. Nobody NOSE my sorrow.
(FRIENDS give wild applause)

CAPTAIN
I'm out of here.

CYRIL
Don't forget to write.

ROXY
Its about time somebody put that jerk in his place.
(Smiles at CYRIL who suddenly becomes shy)
And for your prize... a kiss.
(She kisses him. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

END OF SCENE

For permission to use this script, contact doug@freedrama.net (please include the title in your request).