“Down the Drain”
Comedy Monologue for Male by D. M. Larson
From the play “A Little Private Education”
(LUKE has called a plumber who has just arrived at LUKE’s school. LUKE explains what is going on to him)
Today was science day. We were doing experiments and some of my students decided to find out how many paper clips it takes to plug a toilet. I didn't know about it. They took turns in there. I thought they were doing what people normally do in bathrooms. Look. Are you going to fix it or not? I had to do the emergency rate. Nobody could come for a week otherwise.
The toilet? It's right through there. Enjoy. No, actually it's a nuclear test site. Couldn't you tell? Look at this place. The kids destroyed it. A whole summer of research and idealism out the window...
Oh, very funny. Yes, it’s down the drain.
Plumber humor, right?
Well, I don't like it. Aren't you supposed to be doing something? I'm paying you by the hour aren't I? Well, I am in a hurry! Get moving will you. I can find cheaper friends on a street corner. Why didn't you bring your tools up with you? Go get them!
Why can't teachers get paid by the hour?
(Gets a calculator)
Let's see Mr. Plum the Plumber gets $100 an hour.
If I got that for eights hours of school, along with two hours of planning and correcting papers a night. Add some hours for parent teacher conferences, science fairs, Christmas plays... $216,000. Not bad. Maybe we should let big business run education after all.
END OF MONOLOGUE
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