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I had a request to read some of "Princess and the Pirate" because someone was performing the monologue "Bones the Pirate Girl" and they wanted to know the character better. This is only a rough draft. If you have any feedback about the scene or questions, you can contact doug@freedrama.net |
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Princess and the Pirate by D. M. Larson
doug@freedrama.net
(a VERY rough draft)
(Half the stage is pirate ship, other half is princess room/balcony. Bones is a pirate girl who is pacing the ship annoyed. A fat parrot like bird named Kachu followers her around)
BONES
I am sick of being at sea. I want to feel solid ground. Oh... To take a nice warm bath... Instead of washing in freezing cold sea water. You see what the sea has done to my hair!
(Removes hat or bandana to reveal a mess)
BONES (CONT.)
No more pirate's life for me. No more yo ho with these yo-yos. I am tired of all the bottles and bums. I want to drink from a chilled glass goblet... And have some ice cold milk. Fresh cool milk... and ice... a glass of ice water would even be nice. And you know what else you get when you mix milk and ice... this incredible thing called ice cream. You'll never find that on a pirate ship. I'd give anything for a scoop. But you'll never find anything like that on this rust bucket... no milk, no ice cream, not even an itty bitty ice cube... How come the most wonderful things spoil so quickly?
(Kachu parrot snuggles up to her)
And I am tired of parrots too! Beat it, Kachu!
(Kachu goes off and pouts. Sly appear and gives Kachu a pat on the head. Then he goes over to Bones)
SLY
It's not his fault you are stuck on this ship.
BONES
I have to blame someone.
SLY
Then blame me. I can take it.
BONES
Okay...
(She sticks a bucket on his head or stuffs him in a barrel)
SLY
Feel better?
BONES
A little. That's the pirate way. Take out your frustrations on others. But that's not nice is it?
SLY
Nice? Since when are pirates nice?
BONES
I am tired of being mean.
SLY
But you're so good at it.
BONES
Har, har.
SLY
I heard a rumor...
BONES
So?
SLY
And it's about you.
BONES
Pirates love to gossip.
SLY
Don't you want to know what they said?
BONES
I know how you are... It's gonna cost me.
SLY
Of course.
BONES
Then I'm not interested.
SLY
You're no fun.
BONES
Don't you have to go swab the deck or something, cabin boy?
SLY
Fine... I will tell you. Just promise you won't let you know I have you something for free.
BONES
Pirate's honor... For whatever that's worth.
SLY
I heard that you're getting promoted from scallywag to sea dog.
BONES
What? Really? Why?
SLY
I think it is because that jeweled dagger you stole from the King of Acapulco.
BONES
I didn't steal it. The king dropped it. And when I tried to return it, the accused me of stealing it, so I ran.
SLY
Well, I know that but the others heard a slightly different tale. Spun by you...
BONES
Great so I am getting promoted based on a lie.
SLY
More of a tall tale based in fact.
BONES
Whatever... It's still not true
SLY
Pirates tell tall tales all the time. Our own captain of this here ship tells the tallest. He loves that story of fighting with a giant octopus. The part where he ties all the legs on knots is hard to swallow. And the octopus gets bigger every time he tells the tale.
BONES
Fine. You made your point
(She starts to go)
SLY
Where you going?
BONES
To do a little spying
(He is alone with Kachu)
SLY
She is something isn't she? But she hardly notices me. I just annoy her. I try to be extra nice to her... Remember that golden tooth I gave her? The one I stole from Old Stinky when he was sleeping? She didn't even wear it. She'd look so good with a golden tooth. And then there is that sea slug I caught her for a pet. I never see her with it. I just wish I knew what would make her happy. Nothing on this ship, that's for Sure, especially not me.
(He exits sadly with Kachu following copying him. Old Stinky enters... Bones sneaks around in a disguise - inside a barrel or ?)
Stinky
monologue here - about loving the sea? Stinky also has a secret love - he wants Bones to take a long time and create a distraction so he can see his true love - nanny of the Princess
(Stinky notices Bones)
STINKY
come on out Bones. You could fool a landlubber, but not an old fooler like me.
BONES
So what's this I hear about a promotion?
STINKY
Aw... Your spying skills are better than I thought... Yes, Bones. The Captain and me think ye ready. We have a job for you. We want you to row ashore...
BONES
To land? Really? Solid ground...
STICKY
Been awhile eh?
BONES
Too long.
STINKY
Then you'll like this.
BONES
Definitely. Anything to get me off this garbage scow and on to something that doesn't shake and move and toss and turn. Solid ground. How do I love thee.
STINKY
We want you to steal the pink diamond of Princess Fuchsia.
BONES
Princess Fushia? But that castle is impossible to get in to.
STINKY
Not for a clever sneak like you. It might take awhile. Take all the time ye need.
BONES
Really? I can take my time?
STINKY
Just don't come back without the diamond... Take a row boat and one crew member... Keep it small so they don't notice you.
BONES
I'll take Sly.
STINKY
I don't know. That boy is a bit too goofy around ye.
BONES
I'll whip him in to shape.
STINKY
Alright then. We approach the castle waters at midnight. Be ready to row ashore.
BONES
Ay ay sir.
STINKY
I ain't no sir - save your salutes for someone who cares - make us proud girl.
BONES
This is it. This is my chance to get off the stinky old rust bucket. Take as long as I need. Well I need a long time. A really long time... First thing I'll find is a cow to get myself some fresh milk. Then I'll buy a pretty gown all made of comfy silk. And I'll take a warm bath for nearly half a day. Then find a feather bed to sleep the night away. And the next day too. "Land ho! Land ho! That's where I want to go. Land ho! Land ho! I will set the world aglow."
(Sly enters with Kachu)
SLY
I heard you need a crew member for a special secret mission.
BONES
Must you bring that blasted bird everywhere you go?
SLY
I must.
BONES
Come on then. I need to borrow some treasure from some of the others. I have numerous expenses coming up.
SLY
Borrow?
BONES
Just like they borrowed from the ships we plundered. Perhaps we can find the owners of the treasure when we get to land.
SLY
Yeah right. Like that will happen.
(They exit)
END OF SCENE
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