"It's Just Right" Comedy Monologue for Male by D. M. Larson From the play “A Little Private Education”

“It’s Just Right”

Comedy Monologue for Male by D. M. Larson

From the published play “A Little Private Education”

ISBN-13: 978-1532853111

(LUKE runs a private school out of his home and it is paid for by a wealthy woman named Mrs. Poke who is coming to visit him this evening. Mrs. Poke has hinted at wanting to have more than a business relationship with him)

LUKE

(Rushing around. Steps on something)

Aw! Another crayon! I'll never get this place clean. Mrs. Poke will think I'm running a pig stye.

(Steps on another crayon)

Aw! Die evil crayon.

(Stomps crayon to death)

I feel much better now. I hope everything is okay in here. I want it to be comfortable for her.

(Pulls out something from the school)

But I want it to look like a school.

(Pulls out something else from the school)

A really good school.

(Pulls out more)

Now it's a mess again.

(Cleans up)

Music. That's what we need.

(Turns on. Tunes. Hard rock)

Too loud.

(Tunes. Easy listening. Dances to it funny)

Ew! Not that.

(Tunes . 70's Disco. Does a Saturday Night Fever impression)

I can feel the polyester already. (Tunes)

There must be something Mrs. Poke would like.

(Tunes. Classical)

Not too loud. Not too soft. Not too suggestive. And to quote that famous philosopher Goldilocks, "It’s just right.”

(Knock at door)

Here she is. Breathe, Luke, breathe.

(Goes for door)

Coming.

(Opens door. He sees Mrs. Poke who is in a sexy outfit)

Uh… Wow… I mean… Uh… ... hi.

END OF SCENE

***

"Gone With The Flush" duologue for 2 males

"Gone With The Flush"

duologue for 2 males

from the published play "A Little Private Education"

ISBN-13: 978-1532853111

Buy a low cost PDF of this scene at Sellfy.com 

LUKE

Today was science day. We were doing experiments and some of my students decided to find out how many paper clips it takes to plug a toilet.

PLUM

And you let them?

LUKE

I didn't know about it. They took turns in there. I thought they were doing what people normally do in bathrooms.

PLUM

Did you start to wonder after they were in there awhile?

LUKE

Look. Are you going to fix it or not?

PLUM

Hey, you're paying me the emergency service rate. I'm staying.

(LUKE cleans up during the rest of the scene)

LUKE

I had to do the emergency rate. Nobody could come for a week otherwise.

PLUM

Besides, my horoscope said during a crisis I will find romance. I thought this might be it.

LUKE

Sorry, I'm not interested.

PLUM

I didn't mean you.

LUKE

Good. I hope not.

PLUM

Got any cute babes around here?

LUKE

None over eighteen. Sorry.

PLUM

I sure hope some other crisis comes up then. I need a date.

LUKE

Who knows maybe you'll find a beautiful woman clogging my toilet? That would make a great TV movie. They could call it Romancing the Toilet. Or Gone with the Flush. Or While You Were Flushing.

PLUM

So where's the John?

LUKE

The what?

PLUM

The throne. The porcelain god.

LUKE

(Realizes)

The toilet. I'm a little slow today. Sorry. It's right through there. Enjoy.

PLUM

So this is a school, huh?

LUKE

No, actually it's a nuclear test site. Couldn't you tell?

PLUM

You definitely sound like you've had a hard day. You seem a little touchy.

LUKE

Look at this place. The kids destroyed it. A whole summer of research and idealism down the drain.

PLUM

Don't you mean, down the toilet?

LUKE

Plumber humor, right?

PLUM

(Chuckling)

Yeah.

LUKE

Well, I don't like it.

PLUM

Sorry.

LUKE

Aren't you supposed to be doing something?

PLUM

I don't know. Am I?

LUKE

I'm paying you by the hour aren't I?

PLUM

Hey, I'm in no hurry. You're my last job today.

LUKE

Well, I am in a hurry! Get moving will you.

PLUM

Fine. I was trying to be customer friendly.

LUKE

I can find cheaper friends on a street corner.

PLUM

I need to go downstairs to get my tools.

LUKE

Why didn't you bring them up with you?

PLUM

I just wanted to make sure this was the right place first.

(Exits)

LUKE

Why can't teachers get paid by the hour? (Gets a calculator)

Let's see Mr. Plum gets $100 an hour. (Adds up)

If I got that for eights hours of school, along with two hours of planning and correcting papers a night. Add some hours for parent teacher conferences, science fairs, Christmas plays... $216,000. Not bad. Maybe we should let big business run education after all.

END OF SCENE

***

Winter Acting Intensive 2017 - Acting for Film - Group1 from Deano Pictures on Vimeo.

---

Buy a low cost PDF of this scene at Sellfy.com

Buy a low cost PDF of the full play "A Little Private Education" at Sellfy.com

These scripts are published and protected by Copyright (c) 2001-2019.

When you purchase a PDF, you may make as many photocopies as needed (but please do NOT repost the text online in any way).

Purchasing a PDF of this script gives you the rights to use for:

Auditions

Classrooms

Workshops

Camps

If you use the script in a paid performance where admission is charged or in a competition, please pay the royalty:

https://sellfy.com/p/1MQC/

This royalty covers all performances that occur within one month’s time.

IMPORTANT: Please be sure to get permission from your competition for the script before performing it.

BROTHER MAKEOVER by D. M. Larson is from the Published Play "A Little Private Education"
Click the title to read the entire play
Or preview the play on Kindle:

“Down the Drain” Comedy Monologue for Male by D. M. Larson From the play “A Little Private Education”

“Down the Drain”

Comedy Monologue for Male by D. M. Larson

From the play “A Little Private Education”

ISBN-13: 978-1532853111

(LUKE has called a plumber who has just arrived at LUKE’s school. LUKE explains what is going on to him)

LUKE

Today was science day. We were doing experiments and some of my students decided to find out how many paper clips it takes to plug a toilet. I didn't know about it. They took turns in there. I thought they were doing what people normally do in bathrooms. Look. Are you going to fix it or not? I had to do the emergency rate. Nobody could come for a week otherwise.

(Realizes)

The toilet? It's right through there. Enjoy. No, actually it's a nuclear test site. Couldn't you tell? Look at this place. The kids destroyed it. A whole summer of research and idealism out the window...

(fake laugh)

Oh, very funny. Yes, it’s down the drain.

(fake smile)

Plumber humor, right?

(mad face)

Well, I don't like it. Aren't you supposed to be doing something? I'm paying you by the hour aren't I? Well, I am in a hurry! Get moving will you. I can find cheaper friends on a street corner. Why didn't you bring your tools up with you? Go get them!

(Plumber exits)

Why can't teachers get paid by the hour?

(Gets a calculator)

Let's see Mr. Plum the Plumber gets $100 an hour.

(Adds up)

If I got that for eights hours of school, along with two hours of planning and correcting papers a night. Add some hours for parent teacher conferences, science fairs, Christmas plays... $216,000. Not bad. Maybe we should let big business run education after all.

END OF MONOLOGUE

***

"The Storm" is Shakespeare for Kids - modern retelling of Shakespeare’s the Tempest for 21st century children

I decided to play around with the idea of retelling some of Shakepeare's plays in modern language that young people can understand.  I rewrote some monologues from Romero and Juliet and now I'm playing with the idea of adapting "The Tempest" into a kid friendly play called...

"THE STORM" 

by D. M. Larson

(A modern retelling of Shakespeare’s the Tempest for 21st century kids)

SCENE I. 

(On a ship - thunder and lightning heard)

CAPTAIN

Dwain!

DWAIN

Ay ay  captain? 

(Dwain is right behind the Captain who doesn't see him)

CAPTAIN

Dwain!

DWAIN

Captain!

(Dwain shouts and scares Captain)

CAPTAIN

Don't do that!

DWAIN

What's up, Captain?

CAPTAIN

The storm!

DWAIN

Is there one coming?

(Loud Thunder and lighting - lights flash)

CAPTAIN

Perhaps - call the crew - batten down the hatches - hoist the sail -swab the deck! There she blows!

DWAIN

Are you panicking Captain?

CAPTAIN

Perhaps.

DWAIN

I’ll have the crew prepare for the storm.

CAPTAIN

Thank you. Make it so.

DWAIN

Of course. All hands on deck!  All hands on deck!

(Ship’s crew members, AL, ANT and GONZO rush on to stage.  Wind blows them off again.  They try to get back in again)

DWAIN

There’s a storm coming.

AL

I think it’s already here.

(The crew is blown off stage again.  They struggle back on)

ANT

Where’s the captain?

DWAIN

Below.

AL

Where we should be.

DWAIN

After we batten down the hatches and secure the sail and…

(Crew is blown off again)

DWAIN

Maybe we better go below.

(DWAIN leaves)

GONZO

Do not run!  We have to secure the sail and save the ship from this storm.

AL

Oh do be quiet. And get below!

GONZO

Will no one help me?  Must I do this myself?

(Lighting and thunder)

ANT

Yes, do it yourself.  Out of my way!

(They try to exit but the storm pushes them around off and on the stage)

GONZO

I will face you alone then, Storm.  You will not end us this day. I swear it. I will stand firm and keep this ship afloat despite your might roar.  You might strike fear into these others, but not me. I will not give in and let you drown me.  I will not let you sink this ship. I challenge you to try and show us all your might for you will be ashamed at what you have done in the face of such bravery.

AL

I don’t know if I’d call that bravery.

ANT

Don’t taunt the storm like that.  You’ll just make it madder and us deader.

AL

We really don’t want to die.

ANT

You’re just making it madder.

AL

Maybe if we talk nice to the storm.

ANT

You’re a very beautiful storm.

(Storm calms a bit)

AL

Such lovely colors.

ANT

Have you ever seen such a nice storm?

AL

A perfect storm.

GONZO

A perfectly terrible storm. One that we will defeat!   Man over nature!

(Lighting and thunder is louder than ever)

ANT

You had to go and upset her again.

AL

And after all those nice things we said too.

ANT

All is lost.

AL

We’re doomed.

ANT

Goodbye Mother!

AL

Goodbye Father!

ANT

Goodbye to my brother.

AL

Goodbye to my sister.

ANT

Goodbye to my dog.

AL

Goodbye to my cat.

ANT

Goodbye to my pillow.  I love my pillow - it's so soft - it's so hard to find the perfect pillow - now all is lost.

(Thunder and Lightning and ANT and AL are blown away)

GONZO

I would give a million oceans for a single piece of dry land. I am sick of being on this ship. I never wanted to die at sea. 

END OF SCENE 1

***

If you enjoyed this scene, post below saying which of Shakespeare's plays you'd love seeing adapted in a similar way or email doug@freedrama.net with your suggestions.

Borders and Immigration an older play that is a new topic again

I wrote the play "Borders" many years ago, back in the early 90s, when immigration and border crossings from Mexico were a big issue.  There was a news story about a rancher who was killing the illegal border crossers and only got a fine from a Texas judge rather than being arrested for murder.

Immigration is a big issue again so this play continues to have relevance.  It's a good one for a current events discussion.

Check out "Borders" by D. M. Larson - http://freedrama.net/borders.html

Here is another version called "Hippies, Housewives and Watering Holes" - ironically it seems to make a good comedy, but the 2016 Presidential election is a big of a comedy so that makes sense - http://freedrama.net/hhwh.html

Readers Theater Scripts for 3 Actors

"Grace" Short drama of an angel who has fallen in love with a mortal. 2w 1m  


"Monster Survival Skills During A Gremlin Outbreak" - Short comedy stage play script for 3 or more actors


"Fart-Zen" - very short comedy for three or more actors (any gender) 


"Rock, Sword, Firecracker!" Short comedy about the legend behind the game of Rock, Scissors, Paper. 3+ actors (any gender) 


"Hipster Hobos" Short sketch comedy skit about when being too cool is too annoying. Flexible cast 1+ m 1+ w (3-6+ total). 


"Metropolis Man" Short romantic comedy play for 2 m 1 f about finding a super man and falling in love



"The Waiting Room" A serious dramatic scene for three actors any gender but written for 3 men from the published play "Death of an Insurance Salesman" 


"Romance on the Rocks" - Short dark comedy stage play script for 3 actors (1 male 2 female)