The Hysterical History of Cleopatra
by D. M. Larson
SCENE 4
***
Copyright (c) 2017
All Rights Reserved*
*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online
***
If necessary, practice with audience for upcoming participation:
Cleopatra = All Hail Cleopatra
Snakes = Hiss!
Alexander the Great = He’s great.
Little Caesar = Pizza! Pizza!
(and feel free to throw in a random new silly one just to be funny and get your audience to do something weird such as they do the wave every time they see a Roman ship -
NUT: just kidding on the last one but you all sure looked funny doing it)
BABI
This is a disaster. Augustus is invading Egypt!
NUT
Who?
BABI
Augustus… ruler of Rome!
NUT
You mean Octavian?
ALEXA
His full name is Gaius Julius Caesar Octovianus.
NUT
I see why he changed it to Augustus.
GEB
Where is Mark Antony and his army?
ALEXA
Defeated. Antony is dead.
NUT
Dead? That can’t be right.
ALEXA
I just report the facts. I don’t create them.
NUT
I could use a little fake news right now. This news is too depressing.
ALEXA
I’m not sure where Siri is. I’m sure she’d be happy to provide you with some fake news.
NUT
Ouch. You don’t like Siri very much do you, Alexa?
ALEXA
Who does?
BABI
Will you two focus? We have to do something!
NUT
Running away sounds like a really good idea.
(SHU enters)
SHU
Please everyone. Remain calm.
BABI
Remain calm? What is there to remain calm about?
SHU
We have one last task we must fulfill.
(CLEOPATRA enters)
ALL
All hail Cleopatra!
CLEOPATRA
Please there’s no time for that. I need your help. I need one last incredible moment to end this madness. With Antony gone, there is no hope of survival so I plan to face my end in the most dramatic way possible. I want something that will be remembered. I want something that will leave my mark on history and be talked about for many generations to come.
SHU
Think people. We need something grand. Something amazing. Something people will never forget.
NUT
How about snakes?
AUDIENCE
Hisss!
CLEOPATRA
Yes! Snakes! That is very original. Very memorable indeed. Fetch me the deadliest snakes you can find!
NUT
I’m on it! Snakes!
AUDIENCE
Hisss!
NUT
Yes!
(NUT exits)
SHU
Are you sure?
CLEOPATRA
Of course I am sure. It's genius.
SHU
We are pleased to serve you.
CLEOPATRA
You all have served me well. We had many good years together. None of the recent events are anyone’s fault. These things have been out of our control. I have provided you all you letters of recommendation. I hope you can all find good work somewhere else.
(She gives them each a scroll)
SHU
You are too kind.
GEB
You honor us.
BABI
It has been our honor to serve you.
ALEXA
I have been proud to serve you as our ruler for these 21 years. I am sad that we will be losing you at only 39 years old. We were hoping for a long and prosperous reign of Cleopatra.
ALL
All hail Cleopatra.
(NUT enters)
NUT
I have an asp for you. Its bite is quick and painless.
ALEXA
The asp, also known as a viper, has a bite...
SHU
Not now, Alexa.
CLEOPATRA
Come and serve your queen in her final moments.
NUT
It would be my honor.
(CLEOPATRA exits with NUT who is excited)
GEB
Lucky dog! This is so unfair.
BABI
Well, it looks like we’re done here and I hear soldiers. This is a good time to depart.
SHU
What will all of you do?
GEB
I’m heading to Pompeii. I hear they have some big things going on there. They say the gods are so active there that they make the mountain shake. I want in on some of that Mount Vesuvius action.
BABI
I hear there is a man in the desert who is doing something called baptism which involves dunking people in water to remove evil spirits or something. He’s gathering quite a following. The Romans can’t stand it so I would be happy to help drive them crazy.
SHU
You’ve been a good team. A wonderful team. Dare I say, “great?”
GEB
I know Alexander would.
AUDIENCE
He’s great!
BABI
Wait! What’s going to happen to Caesarian?
GEB
The little Caesar?
AUDIENCE
Pizza! Pizza!
SHU
I will be serving the boy.
ALEXA
Isn’t that dangerous? Augustus has said…
SHU
I know. But I promised Cleopatra I would do my best to protect him. Siri is watching over him as we speak. I must go.
(SHU exits)
GEB
So brave.
BABI
So noble.
ALEXA
The Roman army approaches.
GEB
See ya!
BABI
Wait for me!
CLEOPATRA (OFF)
(screams)
Ow! That hurt!
(NUT runs back in)
NUT
That wasn’t quick or painless.
ALEXA
As I tried to explain…
NUT
Never mind, Alexa. It’s all over now.
CLEOPATRA (OFF)
Ouchy….
ALEXA
It won’t be over for another hour or two.
NUT
I feel terrible. I thought the asp poison worked much quicker than that.
(CLEOPATRA stumbles in)
CLEOPATRA
Snakes! Why did I pick snakes?!
AUDIENCE
Hiss!
CLEOPATRA (CONT.)
The snakes weren’t supposed to be for me. They were for the Romans. I wanted them attacked by poison snakes.
NUT
Ooops. I thought you wanted them to… uh…
CLEOPATRA
Help me… please… get this snake off of me!
(NUT and ALEXA rush to her)
ALEXA
The snake. I see the snake.
NUT
I’ll grab it.
ALEXA
Too late. I got it.
(ALEXA dies)
NUT
See! It can be quick.
CLEOPATRA
Why? Why can’t it be that way for me?
NUT
Where is that snake? Found it! Ow! Noooo!
(NUT dies)
CLEOPATRA
You’re dead already?! This is so unfair. Wait… I think… no… not yet… this is taking forever. Maybe if I had it bite me again. Where is that snake? Oh! I think it’s working now. I will go to my final resting place. How is my hair? I want to look perfect for my death. I want it to be memorable. I want my name to go down in history… more famous than even Alexander… because… he’s… he’s…. ga… ga… rrr...rrrruuuuhhhh!
(NUT sits up)
NUT
I believe she said…
AUDIENCE
He’s great!
(NUT dies again and falls on Cleopatra)
CLEOPATRA
Don’t mess up my hair!
NUT
Sorry.
CLEOPATRA
This poison is taking forever.
NUT
Sorry about that too.
CLEOPATRA
You should be.
NUT
I am.
CLEOPATRA
Just die already.
NUT
Okay.
(Silence)
CLEOPATRA
Are you dead yet?
NUT
No... you?
CLEOPATRA
No.
(NUT sits up)
NUT
This might take awhile so I think we’ll end the play now.
CLEOPATRA
Bye.
NUT
Good night.
CLEOPATRA
Sleep tight.
NUT
Don’t let the snakes bite.
AUDIENCE
Hiss!
***
Copyright (c) 2017
All Rights Reserved*
*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online
***
