Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Murderous Onions comedy monologue by Clint Snyder

Murderous Onions
(guest blogger)

Talking to lunch lady about why it is impossible to eat onion rings any more.
     I was making onion rings with my friend Linda because that’s her favorite food and we were chopping up the onions.  Well, I got through my second onion and my eyes are starting to get all teary, but I look over at Linda who is still on her first onion and her eyes are very teary.  She’s not just teary, but she’s sobbing loudly.  So I said, “Wow, those onions are really getting to you, huh?”  I had never seen anything like it before in my life, so I joked, “ What did an onion kill your father?” (Pause.) She said, “yes.”  Then she screamed at me, “Yes! It was a terrible onion truck accident that killed five people.”  See I had thought that onion rings were her favorite food, so I asked her about it and she said yes they were her favorite food.  She ate them because they reminded her of her father.  Well, at this point I really wasn’t sure what to say, so I said something really dumb, “ Well, look at it this way.  If you always eat lots of onion rings then you’re probably really unhealthy and you’ll die quicker so you can be with him.”  This set her off her rocker.  She did not like that comment one bit and I know this because she started throwing onions at my head and chasing me out of the house.  I got all the way to the middle of the street and I could still hear her screaming, “Onions! Onions murdered you daddy!”  Well, I haven’t been able to eat an onion ring since then.

Copyright © 2015 Clint Snyder

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