“Me in Pieces” by D. M. Larson
JAMIE MOIRA
(Quiet anger)
You hate me don't you? I am never good enough for you.
(Anger builds)
No matter what I do it's not as good as my sister. I always have to hear how she would have done it better. Or how she already did it better.
(Hurt)
Why does she want to ruin my life? She just wants to blot me out like I was some sort of mistake... I'm just a copy... A copy of a copy... Not as good as the original... Not as good as you.
(Sarcastic and bitter)
You are so perfect... Everyone around me is so perfect... And there was nothing left over for me... I am the leftover failures... I am the fatty waste you toss to the dogs.
(Fury)
Everyone hates me! Why does everyone think I am so horrible...
(Shakes and tries to hold back the fury)
Probably because I am. A horrible creature doomed to walk this earth and suffer... For you.
(Cries uncontrollably... Struggles to speak)
I'm hurting... Hurting so bad inside. Cut off from everyone ... Punished for some past life wrongs... What did I do in a past life to deserve this... Or am I paying for the sins of my father... And mother... Am I your sin? Or do I remind you of some sin you want to forget?
(Anger builds)
Or I am a disappointment that keeps disappointing. I even disappoint myself.
(Furious)
I will never be my sister. I don't want to be her. I hate everything about her!
(Cries... Sadness)
But I don't want to be me either. Sometimes I want to fade away... Become a shadow... Fading away... Forgotten... Maybe if you forget about me I won't make you so sad anymore.
(Walks away and cries - she stops and turns annoyed)
Yes, you're right. I have to toughen up… there’s always someone who has it worse than me. Sorry I am so depressed all the time… sorry I bring you down. I don’t mean to ruin your day... Or your life. I'd love to stop being depressed. I wish I could look on the bright side and turn that frown upside down. I wish it were that easy. You think it’s my fault don’t you? You think it’s all in my head. Yes, we all have this problem don’t we? We all get a little blue sometimes. I get very blue all the time. I’m so blue I’m purple. Don’t tell me you understand… you don’t understand!
Do you really know how this feels? Do you really know how this grips me inside and threatens to rip me apart? Do you know the weight that holds me down, a weight so powerful I can hardly move. Yes, I’m using this to punish you. I am angry at you so I’m acting this way to hurt you… I need to stop feeling sorry for myself… Me, me, me... yes, it’s all about me… I want you all to drop everything and focus on me! I’m sorry I even came out of my room.
Oh yeah… a nice cup of tea will instantly cure me - maybe if you put some strychnine in it. I wish I could just snap out of it… like it was some kind of spell a witch cast on me. I'm waiting for some prince to come along and kiss my tears away.
Don’t worry. I won’t say anything anymore. I didn’t want to bring it up. I didn’t want to talk about it anyway… I bet you’re sorry you asked how I was doing. How am I doing anyway? I’m hurting so bad. I wish there was something that would take away the pain. I can't handle this much longer. All I want to know is that I’m not alone… that I’m important to someone. Maybe I want a hug sometimes. Maybe I want someone to tell me I’m not going crazy, that’s it’s not really my fault.
I need to know I didn’t do this to myself and that I’m not the cause of this horrible thing that’s happening to me. I want someone to be here for me and help me through this. I need someone stronger than me… I’m so weak. I need someone who is strong enough for both of us.
I need to know you’ll be there for me… I need to know you’ll never give up on me. That you’ll never leave me. That you’ll never go away. And I need someone to help me not give up on myself. I want to know that I’m important. That I matter. That I’m loved. Tell me that things will get better. It helps to have someone to talk to… it helps to say something… thank you for listening… thank you for not leaving me alone anymore.
END
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Find this monologue is published in the book "Me in Pieces" available on Amazon.com ISBN-13: 978-1981312054 ***
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| Art by Shiela Larson |
