SCENE 10 - FOREVER ON HOLD
NELL
Doesn’t it always seem like we’re
on hold? We constantly are calling
about this or that. We are slaves
to the phone, waiting anxiously for
a human voice.
Companies try to make your
experience pleasant by playing
music. One company I called even
had its own radio station dedicated
to entertaining people on hold. My
question is, "Why not make that
person answer phones too?" There
are probably more people working on
message systems that put people on
hold than there are answering phones.
I especially hate the ones that
make you feel like you’re getting
somewhere when you actually aren’t.
They come up with all these phrases
that keep you interested:
(Does a mock answering machine voice)
"Only a few moments more... ring,
ring... You have just advanced in
our waiting order. Beep. Hello (big
pause) you are the next caller. Do
not hang up. We will be with you in
a moment...after 10 more minutes...
We will be with you in a moment.
You are the next caller."
The most aggravating award goes to
the electronic maze of number
choices:
(Mock answering machine voice)
"Press one if you need customer
assistance. Press two if you need
customer information. Press three
if you need customer guidance.
Press four for more options."
You wade endlessly through this
maze of choices only to discover
you still have to wait an hour to
talk to someone.
Then there’s the notorious dead
line. You wonder, "Did they hang
up? Is someone there waiting for
you to speak? Did they transfer
your call to Albania?" You wait,
unsure what to do.
When you finally get to talk to
someone, you discover it’s not even
the right department. They have no
clue what you are talking about and
transfer you to someone who is
equally clueless. Also while you
were waiting they ask you to type
in your account number, zip code,
date of birth, then when you
actually talk to a human, they ask
you all over again. THEN WHY DID I
JUST TYPE THAT IN! When talking to
a human, we know why it takes so
long. They ask you a million
useless questions, they find out
YOUR question and transfer you to
someone who goes through the same
things only to discover they have
no clue how to help you either!
Finally someone helps you and you
end up receiving a six month
subscription to Dog’s Life
Magazine. At least you got
something for all your trouble, but
wasn’t that supposed to be your
credit card company?
END OF SCENE
SCENE 11 - HIPSTER HOBOS
(Mel and Nell enter the seating area of a restaurant with a
tray filled with drinks, a number and dinner rolls. They are
talking so they don’t notice immediately that all the tables
are taken by a person a each table with a laptop or tablet
or some electronic device)
NELL
You think the kids are okay?
MEL
We have a good sitter.
NELL
Why do they have to act that way
when I leave? They act like they
are dying. Why do they have to be
so over-dramatic? It’s worse than
watching Titanic.
MEL
No... nothing is worse than
watching Titanic.
(They realize they are wandering a bit too much)
NELL
All the tables are taken.
MEL
Oh no. It’s the hipster hobos.
NELL
The what?
MEL
Hipster hobos... aka laptop
hobos... they find hip places with
free wifi and buy the cheapest
thing possible and camp out for the
entire day.
NELL
Don’t they have anything better to do?
MEL
No... this is their life. Taking up
space and trying to look cool while
doing it.
NELL
Well... it’s not cool. I am a tired
mom who needs a night to relax... I
just need to sit.
MEL
I think that one’s asleep. Maybe
if we sit with her really quiet.
NELL
I want our own table. I think that
one ran out of battery... oh, wait,
he has an extension cord.
MEL
You think with all the free refills
they’d have to get up to go pee more.
NELL
Maybe if I find the wifi hub, I can
unplug it.
MEL
And get us kicked out.
NELL
Why don’t they kick them out?
MEL
It’s a vicious cycle. This
restaurant wants to appear hip. So
they want the hipsters in here to
draw in the rest of the hip crowd.
But hipsters have to fit in their
skinny jeans so they don’t buy much food.
NELL
I have an idea.
(Nell speaks loudly)
NELL (CONT.)
Did you hear about the sale at the
Apple store?! It’s a good one!
(Hipsters start to take interest)
NELL (CONT.)
They have a sale on the new iPid!
HIPSTER 1
The iPid?
HIPSTER 2
What’s an iPid?
(Hipsters start to stir and get excited)
NELL (CONT.)
I don’t know! But it’s new!
HIPSTER 3
I need one!
HIPSTER 4
Me too!
(Hipsters start to pack up in a hurry and leave)
NELL (CONT.)
And I hear they will give 100 iPids
away to the first 100 people in line.
(Hipsters are leaving)
NELL (CONT.)
They don’t open until morning so
you’ll have to wait in line all night.
HIPSTER 1
I always stay in line the night
before the launch of a new Apple
product.
HIPSTER 2
Who doesn’t?
(Hipster 3 calls out to a waitress off stage)
HIPSTER 3
I brought my extension cord. Is it
okay if I leave it plugged in here?
HIPSTER 4
I have a power strip.
(All the Hipsters are gone. Nell smiles big)
NELL
Which table would you like?
(They sit down happily and Nell unplugs the long extension
cord that was left behind by the hipsters. Blackout.
Hipsters moan and groan in the darkness)
END OF SCENE
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