Monday, May 4, 2015

"Ferrets" monologue by Clint Snyder

(guest blogger)

Talking to the pet store owner who just tried to sell him a ferret.

     If you told me that ferrets were the offspring of satan that really wouldn’t surprise me.  They’ve got pointy little teeth like a demon and sometimes they just jump up at you like some sort of intensely evil jack-in-the box and then they clamp down like syringes.  Little pointy syringes of death.  I know firsthand, not death, I’m not a ghost, but my basic point is that they’re really sharp and they’re actually just pure evil in a furry package. And when…(Holding back tears.) When I was a little child.  An innocent little child.  I used to play games with animals, just like snow white did, except they didn’t clean my house.  I used to kiss frogs and toads to see if they would turn into a handsome price like in that other fairy tale too.  Well, my friend had a pet ferret that she brought out  and in my infinite innocence I knelt down, like this, and I said “Hello there little friend, If I give you and nice big kiss I bet you’ll transform into a handsome prince.  And I puckered up and kissed him, but he wasn’t my little friend and the only prince he transformed into was Satan the prince of darkness.  He bit down on my lip like it was a worm.  I didn’t know what to do, so I screamed, “Off! Off!” But he just held on.  I started spinning in circles like this to get him of me and after a while he finally let go, flew off, hit the ceiling fan and was hurled out an open window outside.  I was so dizzy and traumatized I just collapsed.  My lip swelled up and made me talk funny for a month.  The whole time my friend was just complaining that her ferret ran away.  I just told her it probably crawled back to the underworld.  

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