"Operation Redneck" is the story of three friends (Julie, Beth and Tina) who are roommates. Julie is dating a city boy named Jacob and he wants to visit her in the small town she lives in. She is worried about him fitting in and Beth want to help Jacob by turning him into the ultimate redneck like Tina's boyfriend JJ.
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"THE PERFECT REDNECK"
by D. M. Larson
(from "Operation Redneck")
BETH: Now the real planning begins. Operation Redneck is close at hand. I'm going to make Jacob into the ultimate redneck so he fits in here. Julie won't even recognize him when we're done with him.
(Searches) We need lots of paper and pens. I want to write down some tips on how to be a redneck so Jacob can look at it whenever he needs to. I'm terrible at this kind of stuff though. I always need something to get ideas from. What I need is a redneck.
JJ: (Enters. Excited) Ooo-weee. I didn't know you had a bug zapper. Man, those things are so cool. (Imitates one) I could watch those suckers for hours. (Goes to sofa and turns on TV) Boy, howdy. The Rodeo Network. When did you get that?
BETH: Ask and ye shall receive. JJ put the red in neck.
JJ: Aw, man. My ma can ride a bull better than that.
BETH: I've gotta write this stuff down. The question is - do we really want Jacob to act like this? Do we really want two JJ’s in the world?
JJ: What you gabbin' about over there?
BETH: I was just sayin' how suave and debonair you are?
JJ: (Confused) What's that supposed to mean?
BETH: JJ will be perfect. I'll give him a quiz from one of our magazines about finding the perfect man. (Picks up a magazine) If we can get Jacob to act even a little bit like JJ, then I'm sure people around here will think he's okay. But not too much like JJ.Nobody should be too much like JJ.
He's a one of a kind.
God destroyed the mold after JJ was made.
Hey, JJ. You wanna win some money?
JJ: Duh... Who wouldn't?
BETH: There's this contest in Rodeo Gal magazine.... See, it's a contest to find the perfect man. You think you are the perfect man?
JJ: You bet. I'll win for sure.
BETH: But you got to answer a few questions.
JJ: Naw, I don't wanna answer a bunch a sissy questions. That's stupid. Can't you just take a picture of my awesomeness. (Does a goofy mock sexy pose) See?
BETH: Oh, yeah. That will impress the judges.
JJ: They can see I'z the perfect guy just by looking at me. Like they say a picture is worth a dozen words.
BETH: In your case, I believe that's true. (Looks at magazine) But I'm afraid the rules specifically say, no pictures.
JJ: Well, then they can spificly kiss my butt.
BETH: First prize is a million dollars.
JJ: Well, maybe I could answer a few questions.
BETH: Let's see! First question... (Thinks of something) What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for your girlfriend?
JJ: Romantic? Uh... probably that time I spray painted her name on the General Lee Street Overpass..
BETH: Too bad he spelled her name wrong.
I mean who spells Tina with an E instead of an A.
JJ: Can we get on with this? I got things to do.
BETH: Have you ever invested anything for your future such as in the stock market?
JJ: The stock market? Yeah, I might buy us a cow or two.
BETH: Are you the kind of person who would own a personalized license plate?
JJ: Any plate I get here is personalized to me.
BETH: Why's that?
JJ: Cause my daddy's one of them guys who makes them.
BETH: Isn't your dad in prison?
BETH: Do you own a three piece suit?
JJ: Got one on right now. Overalls, flannel shirt, and underwear. And only sometimes on the underwear. (JJ laughs)
BETH: That's more than I wanted to know, JJ. Who is your favorite Uncle?
JJ: My brother.
BETH: What do you do when you're in trouble and need to find a way out?
JJ: I think, "What would Homer Simpson do?"
BETH: What is your favorite Olympic sport?
JJ: Mud wrestling.
BETH: That's not an Olympic sport.
JJ: Well, it should be.
BETH: Next question. What do you think of gun control?
JJ: Gun control is a steady hand.
BETH: Do you know how to use the internet?
JJ: The internet? That some kind of new fishing tool?
BETH: If you could pick the eighth wonder of the world, what would you chose?
JJ: The world’s biggest ball of twine.
BETH: Which family member do you want to be like when you get older?
JJ: My mama.
JJ: Yeah. You know how many tattoos she's got?
BETH: No, and I don't want to know.
JJ: (Stands and shows BETH. Has back to audience) This one is my favorite. Mama's got the same one.
It was expensive. I'm still paying this baby off.
BETH: Who do you admire most?
JJ: Jack Daniels.
BETH: What do you want to name your children?
JJ: Jack and Daniel.
BETH: You have a one track mind.
JJ: I sure am getting thirsty. I wonder if there is a bottle around here somewhere.
(JJ looks around)
BETH: Maybe I should call someone else. No one could pretend to be this dumb.
JJ: We done with all them questions yet?
BETH: I don’t know… I think you’re off the chart.
JJ: Give me a real hard one.
BETH: Fine. What is your opinion on the Roe vs. Wade decision?
JJ: (Thinks) Now I've heard people talk about that a lot and that's something I've thought lots about too. But I think I've finally settled one side of that issue. I much prefer to row across a river than wade. (BETH throws her notes in the air)What? The river's way too cold to wade across.
BETH: This is totally hopeless.