Hysterical History of Cleopatra
by D. M. Larson
SCENE 2
***
Copyright (c) 2017
All Rights Reserved*
*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online
***
If necessary, practice again with audience for upcoming cheers:
All hail Cleopatra
Hiss!
He’s grrreat!
SCENE 2
SHU
The tour was a huge success. Thank you all for all your support on this wonderful achievement. Cleopatra has the entire country talking. She is Egypt's new sweetheart.
GEB
They are carving her name on everything.
BABI
You should see all the statues they’re making.
NUT
We should make shirts with her picture on them.
GEB
No one would ever wear a shirt with a picture of someone on it.
NUT
It seems like something everyone would love shirts like that.
BABI
That will never catch on.
NUT
It would be so much easier than carrying around a statue.
SHU
I have some exciting news. Cleopatra herself is coming to thank all of you for your hard work.
BABI
Really? This is so exciting. I wish you had told us sooner. I want to look my best for her.
GEB
Actually you don’t want to look nicer than her. She doesn’t like it.
BABI
How can you look nicer than her? She’s so beautiful.
SHU
Because we were so successful with our last campaign, she is going to ask us to help with a new task.
BABI
Another challenge. I’m ready.
NUT
I don’t know if I am. I’m a little worn out from the last one.
GEB
I am honored to work for her again.
NUT
You would be.
GEB
What is that supposed to mean?
NUT
I saw the way you followed Cleopatra around everywhere during our last campaign. That was embarrassing.
GEB
That’s what we were supposed to do! Where were you?
NUT
I was busy… thinking.
GEB
That does take you a bit longer than the rest of us.
SHU
Focus, people. Our next task will not be an easy one.
BABI
What is it? Can you give us a little hint?
SHU
I believe it has something to do with Rome.
GEB
Oh dear. That’s not good.
BABI
I hear Julius Caesar will be visiting.
NUT
Or invading.
SHU
Now let’s not the rumors get the best of us.
GEB
Here she comes!
(Everyone scrambles to get in position to greet CLEOPATRA - CLEOPATRA enters with one or more SERVANTS)
ALL
All hail Cleopatra!
(AUDIENCE TOO)
(GEB goes to kiss CLEOPATRA’S hand but SERVANT blocks the way)
CLEOPATRA
Thank you good people for all your amazing work on the tour of Egypt. It was a blessing to connect with my people in such a personal way.
SHU
The honor was ours.
CLEOPATRA
Now I have a much bigger challenge for all of you. As you may have heard, the Roman Emperor, Julius Caesar, is coming to Egypt. He brings an army… (dramatic pause as everyone looks at each other nervously) ...but I do not wish to have a war. I want to speak to Caesar alone but his generals will not allow a private meeting. But I am a much better negotiator one-on-one. I have a way with words that works better in more intimate settings. So my task for all of you is to find a way for me to be alone with Caesar so he can appreciate the full depth of my negotiation skills.
SHU
We will do our best to find a way to make this happen for you.
CLEOPATRA
Do not fail me good people. You must find a way. Egypt’s fate rests on this meeting. Rome and Egypt must stay at peace for the good of our people. War will only hurt us and destroy all the good we’ve done for Egypt.
(CLEOPATRA leaves with SERVANT)
ALL with AUDIENCE
All hail Cleopatra.
BABI
Rome is bringing an army?
GEB
This is terrible.
SHU
Let’s not panic, people. We have a mission. We have to find a way to get Cleopatra alone with Caesar.
NUT
What if we get some snakes…
AUDIENCE
Hisss!
GEB
What is it with you and snakes?
(NUT pouts and exits)
SHU
I’m looking at Caesar’s schedule during his visit… He has some alone time on the second evening in his quarters.
BABI
We can have her waiting for him.
SHU
It will be guarded. His soldiers will not allow it.
GEB
We can sneak her in somehow.
BABI
She can hide in something.
GEB
What would be big enough?
(NUT enters with a carpet)
BABI
A carpet!
GEB
Let’s try.
(They roll out the carpet)
BABI
Lie down.
(They stick NUT inside)
GEB
Roll it up.
(They roll NUT up inside)
SET
Perfect.
GEB
Then her servants can roll her out dramatically like this.
(They roll out carpet and NUT lands in a weird position)
BABI
I imagine she’ll come out of there much more gracefully than that.
NUT
Ow.
GEB
Let’s try again.
(They put NUT back in)
SHU
I think this will work. Excellent work people. Let’s go share this with Cleopatra.
(They all exit - NUT is still in the carpet)
NUT
Hey? Anybody there? Hey!
(They rush back in and roll out NUT who tries to come out more gracefully this time)
or
***
Copyright (c) 2017
All Rights Reserved*
*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online
***
