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"El Taco Feo Lives!" by D. M. Larson
RANDY
I wonder how long you have to work at KFC to become a colonel?
TONY
Uh... you have to avoid any Major Messups?
RANDY
Yeah... and enjoy corporal punishment?
TONY
And be a Captain of Industry.
FRANK
How goes the job hunting?
RANDY
Hey! They need someone to dress up as a vegetable for a kid show.
FRANK
You know how to be a vegetable.
TONY
I thought you weren't allowed near children.
RANDY
What I really want to do is be one of those knights at that dinner show where they do jousting and such. That would be awesome.
FRANK
You with sharp pointy things? Is that wise?
RANDY
Or a personal assistant for some famous actor.
FRANK
I think your past history of stalking celebrities might be a problem.
RANDY
I wonder if William Shatner is hiring.
TONY
Captain Kirk?
RANDY
That guy is awesome. I think he's immortal or something. I don't think he's aged since the 80's. I can figure out his secret and write a book about it or something.
TONY
Or something.
FRANK
Have you ever written anything in your life? I thought you always copied your reports in school.
RANDY
I'm good at copying. Xerox is hiring.
TONY
I'm not sure that's the kind of copying they specialize in.
FRANK
Maybe you should go back to school.
RANDY
I thought the principal said I couldn't come back... ever.
FRANK
No... I mean college.
RANDY
I heard Harvard was good.
TONY
Um... maybe something a bit more... local... like a community college.
RANDY
I'm tired of school. I did the 8th grade like 10 times. I'm so done with that.
(RANDY finds something on his computer)
RANDY (CONT.)
Look! Work from home. Be your own boss. This is perfect! Where's my phone?
FRANK
That's a scam, Randy.
RANDY
It says right here at the end. This is not a scam. I'm calling. 1-900... I hate when they do words instead of numbers.
TONY
1-900-trick me?
FRANK
Really?
RANDY
Got it. It's ringing. Hello? Yeah, I want to do a home business and be my own boss. What? A book? How much? No thanks... I don't read.
TONY
At least he's honest.
RANDY
I can read... I just don't like to.
FRANK
So we need to find you a job that doesn't involve reading and that you can do from home.
TONY
A professional TV watcher?
RANDY
Yeah! They have that?
TONY
No.
RANDY
Way to get my hopes up.
FRANK
We have to find you something. Rent is due...
TONY
His rent has been due for a few months now.
FRANK
But he's working so hard with all the chores he has been doing.
RANDY
What chores was I supposed to do again?
TONY
All of them.
RANDY
Yes, master.
FRANK
His lips say yes, but his butt says no.
RANDY
Hey! Maybe I could do one of them fast food diets like Jared and the sandwiches... I'll do an all taco diet or something and then I can be in commercials and such.
TONY
I don't think you'll lose weight eating tacos all the time.
RANDY
I have to lose weight?
FRANK
I'm thinking he didn't get the point of the whole Jared diet plan.
RANDY
Why is everything so hard?
TONY
Because you aren't able to live in your mom's basement like most guys in your situation.
RANDY
What situation?
TONY
Hmm... how do I say this nicely?
FRANK
How do you tell someone they are a lazy bum without hurting their feelings?
RANDY
Are you guys talking about me again?
TONY
Maybe.
FRANK
Yes.
RANDY
Fine. You know what. I'm going to prove to you that I'm not lazy or a bum or a... no chore doer... don't-er or whatever. I'm gonna go out there and make something of myself.
(RANDY exits. FRANK and TONY go to the window)
TONY
What's he doing?
FRANK
When is the last time he went outside? I think the sun blinded him. He's waiting for his eyes to adjust.
TONY
Does he even have a clue what he's doing out there?
FRANK
I would bet money he forgot already.
TONY
No... he's going... he took a few steps.
FRANK
This is amazing... I'm getting all choked up. Our little boy is finally leaving the nest and going out in to the world all on his own.
Tony
Nope... he's coming back.
(RANDY returns)
RANDY
I forgot some stuff.
FRANK
Like a resume?
TONY
A plan?
Randy
My pro-wrestling mask.
FRANK
Of course.
TONY
Oh dear.
RANDY
El Taco Feo lives!
(He puts on his wrestling mask and exits to fake cheering that he produces)
FRANK
Off to tackle the world.
TONY
Or at least put it in a strangle hold.
END OF SCENE
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This duologue is from the published play "My William Shatner Man Crush" available on Amazon.com:
or purchase a low cost PDF of the full play at https://sellfy.com/p/2LQi/
