"Operation Redneck" is the story of three friends (Julie, Beth and Tina) who are roommates. Julie is dating a city boy named Jacob and he wants to visit her in the small town she lives in. She is worried about him fitting in and everyone want to help Jacob by turning him into the ultimate redneck like Tina's boyfriend JJ.
"THE ULTIMATE REDNECK"
by D. M. Larson
(from "Operation Redneck")
BETH: Now the real planning begins.
TINA: What do you mean?
BETH: Operation Redneck is close at hand.
TINA: Huh?
BETH: I'm going to make Jacob into the ultimate redneck. She won't even recognize him when we're done with him.
TINA: Will she like that though?
BETH: Of course she will. (Searches) We need lots of paper and pens.
TINA: What for?
BETH: To makes notes. I want to write down some tips on how to be a redneck so Jacob can look at it whenever he needs to.
TINA: That's a good idea.
BETH: I'm terrible at this kind of stuff though. I always need something to get ideas from. What I need is a redneck.
TINA: Do we know any rednecks? Where we gonna find one?
JJ: (Enters. Excited) Ooo-weee. I didn't know you had a bug zapper. Man, those things are so cool. (Imitates one) I could watch those suckers for hours. (Goes to sofa and turns on TV)Boy, howdy. The Rodeo Network. When did you get that?
BETH: Ask and ye shall receive.
TINA: JJ? He's not a redneck...is he?
BETH: Honey, he put the red in neck.
JJ: Aw, man. My ma can ride a bull better than that.
BETH: I've gotta write this stuff down.
JJ: Where's my beer, woman? I'm running on empty
TINA: Coming. (Exits)
BETH: The question is - do we really want Jacob to act like this? Do we really want two of them in the world?
JJ: What you gabbin' about over there?
BETH: I was just sayin' how suave and debonair you are?
JJ: (Confused) What's that supposed to mean?
TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer, dear.
JJ: Beer - dear. (Laughs) That's like a poem. You're too funny.
TINA: (Smiles) Thanks.
BETH: She's a regular comedian.
JJ: You're just jealous.
BETH: Yes, you're sure giving me plenty to be jealous of there, JJ.
JJ: Hey, don't worry, Beth. You'll find a guy tough enough for you some day.
BETH: I doubt it.
(BETH takes TINA aside)
BETH: He'll be perfect. I'll give him a quiz from one of our magazines about finding the perfect man. (Picks up a magazine) If we can get Jacob to act even a little bit like JJ, then I'm sure people around here will think he's okay. But not too much like JJ. Nobody should be too much like JJ.
TINA: He's a one of a kind.
BETH: God destroyed the mold after JJ was made.
TINA: So how we gonna do this?
BETH: Hey, JJ. You wanna win some money?
JJ: Duh... Who wouldn't?
BETH: There's this contest in Tina's George Straight Fan Club newsletter....
TINA: There is? (BETH gives her a look) Oh, yeah. There is.
BETH: See, it's a contest for the perfect couple... You think you guys are the perfect couple?
JJ: Who? Me and Tina?
BETH: No, you and Hillary Clinton. Yes, Tina.
JJ: You bet we're the best couple. We'll win for sure. (gives TINA a squeeze)
BETH: But you got to answer a few questions.
JJ: Naw, I don't wanna answer a bunch a sissy questions. That's stupid. Can't we just take a picture of us. (Grabs TINA and poses) See?
BETH: Oh, yeah. That will impress the judges.
JJ: They can see we'z the perfect couple just by looking at us. Like they say a picture is worth a dozen words.
BETH: In your case, I believe that's true. (Looks at newsletter) But I'm afraid the rules specifically say, no pictures.
JJ: Well, then they can spificly kiss my butt.
TINA: Do it for me, Jellybean.
JJ: Aw, man. This is dumb. No way.
BETH: First prize is a million dollars.
JJ: Well, maybe I could answer a few questions.
TINA: Go ahead, Beth.
BETH: Let's see! First question... (Thinks of something) What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for Tina?
JJ: Romantic? Uh... probably that time I spray painted her name on the General Lee Street Overpass. (TINA smiles happily)
TINA: That was something. You coulda been killed. He used real big letters too.
BETH: Too bad he spelled her name wrong.
TINA: It's the thought that counts.
BETH: I mean who spells Tina with an E instead of an A.
JJ: Can we get on with this? I got things to do.
BETH: Have you ever invested anything for your future such as in the stock market?
JJ: The stock market? Yeah, I might buy us a cow or two.
BETH: Are you the kind of person who would own a personalized license plate?
JJ: Any plate I get here is personalized to me.
TINA: Why's that?
JJ: Cause my daddy's one of them guys who makes them.
BETH: Isn't your dad in prison?
JJ: Yeah, so?
BETH: Do you own a three piece suit?
JJ: Got one on right now. Overalls, flannel shirt, and underwear.
TINA: And only sometimes on the underwear. (She and JJ laugh)
BETH: That's more than I wanted to know, Tina. Who is your favorite Uncle?
JJ: My dad.
BETH: What do you do when you're in trouble and need to find a way out?
JJ: I think, "What would Homer Simpson do?"
BETH: What is your favorite Olympic sport?
JJ: Mud wrestling.
BETH: That's not an Olympic sport.
JJ: Well, it should be.
BETH: Next question. What do you think of gun control?
JJ: Gun control is a steady hand.
BETH: Do you know how to use the internet?
JJ: The internet? That some kind of new fishing tool?
BETH: If you could pick the eighth wonder of the world, what would you chose?
JJ: The Budweiser plant outside of town.
BETH: Which family member do you want to be like when you get older?
JJ: My mama.
TINA: Really?
JJ: Yeah. You know how many tattoos she's got?
BETH: No, and I don't want to know.
JJ: (Stands and shows TINA. Has back to audience) This one is my favorite. Mama's got the same one.
TINA: That's a nice one.
JJ: It was expensive. I'm still paying this baby off.
BETH: Who do you admire most?
JJ: Jack Daniels. (He and TINA laugh)
BETH: What do you want to name your children?
JJ: Jack and Daniel.
BETH: You have a one track mind.
JJ: I sure am getting thirsty.
TINA: I think you left a bottle of JD in my room.
JJ: Boy, howdy. This is my lucky day. (exits)
BETH: I can't believe this.
TINA: How did he do?
BETH: Tina, the man is an idiot.
TINA: I thought he did very well.
BETH: Maybe I should call someone else. No one could pretend to be this dumb.
TINA: He ain't pretending. You just ain't givin' him a chance. Ask him one more and make it really hard. I bet he'll get it right.
JJ: (Comes from kitchen) We done with all them questions yet?
TINA: Just one more, honey.
BETH: What is your opinion on the Roe vs. Wade decision?
JJ: (Thinks. TINA looks hopeful) Now I've heard people talk about that a lot and that's something I've thought lots about too. But I think I've finally settled one side of that issue. I much prefer to row across a river than wade. (BETH throws her notes in the air) What? The river's way too cold to wade across.
BETH: This is totally hopeless. (exits)
JJ: What's with her?
TINA: Nothin'. You want another beer?
JJ: Oh, baby. You say the sweetest things. (grabs TINA and pulls her onto couch and kisses her. Stops and looks at her lovingly) You know what, baby doll?
TINA: What?
JJ: I wonder what's on TV?
TINA: JJ, can we talk?
JJ: Sure, I think there's a commercial coming up soon.
TINA: Now?
JJ: Jeez, woman. What's with this talking all the sudden? That ain't like you. You know, that's the problem with you living with all these chics. You get to yacking and soon you can't stop.
TINA: Sorry, JJ. I don't know what I was thinking.
JJ: Thinking, too much of that is bad too.
TINA: You're right, sorry.
JJ: Okay, fine. There's the commercial. Let's talk. I don't like it when you get all pouty. Makes your face all puffy.
TINA: Would you do anything for me?
JJ: Anything? I don't know. Depends.
TINA: On what?
JJ: Well, I'd walk through a mile of manure but I wouldn't lick a cow's behind.
TINA: That's fair I guess.
JJ: What about you? Would you do anything for me?
TINA: Of course.
JJ: Would you, stick your finger up a pig's nose?
TINA: Uh-huh.
JJ: (Pause. Thinks) Would you fling a turd at the mayor?
TINA: Gladly.
JJ: Would you be willing to say you had flung a turd at the mayor even if you didn't do it?
TINA: Yup.
JJ: Even if it meant that it would get you in big trouble?
TINA: JJ?
JJ: Yeah?
TINA: Did you fling a turd at the mayor today?
JJ: (Sheepish) Yeah.
TINA: (Laughs) I can't believe you.
JJ: Aw, crud. I missed the ending of my show. Now I'll never know if Bo and Luke get away.
TINA: I'm sorry, Jellybean. Would you like to use my game boy? That always cheers you up.
JJ: Okay.
TINA: (Gets gameboy) You have to use the headphones though. Beth hates the noises it makes.
JJ: Fine. I can't stand hearing all you girls yacking anyway. Tell Beth I don't like her noises either. (Puts on headphones and plays)
BETH: (Enters) I see JJ has a toy. (Knock at door. BETH goes to answer)
TINA: Hey, if that's the mayor, tell him JJ ain't here.
BETH: You're too weird.
END OF SCENE
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