Scene 1
(Witches gathered at meeting. Witches and wizards in background can resemble famous ones from movies, books and TV. Witches are all talking and cackling loudly)
HILDA
Hey, you witches. Quiet down.
(All WITCHES continue to talk)
Everyone quiet before I turn you all into toads!
(Talking dies down except for one witch ZOOM who keeps talking about her new broom. HILDA goes over to her and gives her the evil eye)
ZOOM
And this new broom I got has the coolest features. It can go 0 to 60 in a scream and...
(She stops and turns to see HILDA)
Sorry!
(HILDA pulls out her wand and ZOOM runs)
No!
(ZOOM is off stage and HILDA waves her wand and there is a boom and the lights go up and down. After a moment:)
ZOOM (off)
Ribbit!
HILDA
All right, you witches. We've got ourselves a serious PR problem here.
ZORKA
What do you mean?
HILDA
Witches have got a seriously bad name here in Fairy Tale land and it's only getting worse since the Hansel and Gretel incident. I mean, come on people. Eating children. That's just low.
SWEET
But they were eating my sister's house, Eating it! Can you believe it? I've heard of eating someone out of house and home but that's ridiculous.
HILDA
That's what she gets for making her house out of candy.
SWEET
But candy is the construction material of tomorrow. I'd bet my wand on it.
GRANDOLT
So you witches have a problem then. Why do we wizards need to be here?
HILDA
Because they're thinking of getting rid of all magic.
INKANTADORA
What? They can't do that.
HILDA
They can and they will unless we turn things around and prove we can handle having magic.
GRANDOLT
Wait a minute. Who is saying they will take our magic?
HILDA
The fairies.
(All witches and wizards respond in knowing disgust)
ZORKA
The fairies. It figures.
INKANTADORA
Can they really take our magic?
HILDA
They gave it to fairytale land in the first place. And now they want it all back because they think we can't handle it.
SWEET
That's so like them. All kind and giving and they make everyone all happy and then they snatch is away.
GRANDOLT
So what do we do to keep our magic?
ZORKA
Dress like fairies?
(ZORKA flitters around and witches cackle)
HILDA
This is no time for jokes. We have a crisis here. I mean, what's a witch without her magic?
SWEET
A really bad cook?
HILDA
We're nothing, I tell you. We'll be just a bunch of old ladies!
(GANDOLT clears his throat)
And men with bad hair and skin.
SWEET
I always thought I was pretty enough to be a fairy.
ZORKA
Somebody's magic mirror has been lying to them.
(SWEET gives ZORKA a dirty look)
GANDOLT
So what do we do, Hilda? How do we save our magic?
HILDA
We have to do a major PR thing. Good deeds and stuff.
ZORKA
Good deeds.
INKANTADORA
We can't do that. It's so... not us.
HILDA
Then say "poof" to your magic and learn to use chopsticks because that's all our wands will be good for.
GANDOLT
Fine, fine. Tell us what we need to do, Hilda.
HILDA
We need to do a good deed. Not just any good deed, but a whopper of a good one.
ZORKA
I could let that one girl out of that tower?
SWEET
And I could let those kids out of my cookie jar?
HILDA
No, bigger. We're going to save the Prince.
ZORKA
THE Prince?
INKANTADORA
Oh, dear. The fairies won't like that.
HILDA
But think of the PR. Witches saving the Prince. And before some bubble headed princess manages to do it.
GANDOLT
So what's wrong with the Prince?
HILDA
He's been put under a sleeping spell.
(ZORKA pokes SNORZ who wakes up. SNORZ is an old Italian godfather type wizard)
SNORZ
What? I didn't do it.
HILDA
No, none of us did it. It may have been a fairy.
ZORKA
A fairy turned bad, on the next Jerry Springer.
SNORZ
So you want me to wake him up?
HILDA
No, we need to do a whole makeover. We need to send the nicest, cutest witch we can find.
SWEET
Well, if you insist.
INKANTADORA
Oh, please.
ZORKA
She's cute in the dark.
SWEET
Why thank... hey!
GANDOLT
So whom do you have in mind?
HILDA
Well, I developed this little device...
(HILDA pulls out a long stick with a large meter on it that has from "sweet" to "sour" printed on it)
ZORKA
Sweet to Sour?
HILDA
As you can see, I'm on the sour side.
(Takes it over to SWEET)
But when you hold it up to someone like this.
INKANTADORA
Still sour.
SWEET
No, that can't be. It must be broken.
HILDA
Well, it usually works.
GANDOLT
So have you tried this out?
HILDA
I have.
ZORKA
And?
HILDA
The sweetest witch is...
INKANTADORA
Oh, no. She's doing a dramatic pause. This can't be good.
GANDOLT
Out with it, Hilda.
HILDA
Well, I went to the Good Witch of the South's house...
INKANTADORA
Not Splenda.
ZORKA
I should have known she'd be the sweetest.
HILDA
Actually no.
GANDOLT
Who can possibly be sweeter than her?
HILDA
Her daughter, Brenda.
ZORKA
Brenda. What kind of name is that? Not very witchy.
SWEET
It's so... common.
HILDA
I know, I know. But she registered 99.9% on the sweet meter. I've asked her mother to bring her here.
ZORKA
I thought we were done with the "good" witches. How can you be a good witch anyway?
SWEET
I'm a good witch.
ZORKA
Until you get hungry.
SWEET
I don't cook children... much.
HILDA
So if there are no objections!
(All witches and wizards complain loudly "I object")
Well, then if there aren't too many objections?
GANDOLT
Go ahead and bring her in.
