OPERATION REDNECK PART 1
by D. M. Larson
ACT I
by D. M. Larson
ACT I
Scene 1
(Lights come up on house of the three roomies: BETH, TINA, and JULIE. The room is decorated with some of the following: coffee table is a telephone cable spool, a toilet seat is used as a picture frame, a dead Christmas tree is in the corner, there is a stuffed possum on the shelf, the wall is water stained from years of floods, Elvis memorabilia sits proudly beside the possum, a black velvet painting hangs on the wall, etc.)
BETH: Mail call.
TINA: No thanks. I already have a man.
BETH: No, this kind of mail, stupid.
TINA: Oh.
BETH: Blake Shelton Fan Club Newsletter for Tina.
TINA: Thank you. (Opens it, excited) I love getting these almost as much as I love my JJ.
BETH: And sadly, I don't know which I dislike more.
TINA: (Shows picture to JULIE) Check out this month's picture.
JULIE: That's obscene.
BETH: You should see what she paid for a membership. They better give her something good.
TINA: (Tries to get JULIE to look) How'd you think they got that to hang there like that?
JULIE: Please, I just had breakfast and now I really wish I hadn't had sausage.
BETH: (Looks at mail) Bill, bill, bill... (Throws them in garbage)
JULIE: Don't throw those away. (Rescues them)
BETH: That's where I always put the bills.
JULIE: Ah! Look at this phone bill. Final notice. Beth!
BETH: Don't worry. We got that same one two months ago. I'll just call my uncle at the phone company. He'll take care of it.
JULIE: (Holds up bills) I don't care how many of these people you are related to. We'll have to pay them some day.
BETH: I just figured I'd stall until I got married and then I'd make my husband pay.
TINA: (Showing newsletter) Look. Blake Shelton underwear.
BETH: (Looks at newsletter) You realize that when you sit down, you sit on his face.
JULIE: You two are so weird.
BETH: And one envelope for Julie.
JULIE: Junk mail, no doubt. Just throw it in the garbage.
BETH: Okay, if you say so. But it's a letter from Jacob.
JULIE: (Runs to grab it) Give it here. (Gets it from BETH. Exits to her room)
TINA: Jacob. The man of her dreams.
BETH: I got plenty of men in my dreams. I just wish some of them were real.
JULIE: (Off) Oh, no!
TINA: That didn't sound good.
BETH: So much for that dream.
TINA: Julie? You okay in there? Come on out, honey and talk to us.
JULIE: (Comes out) I've been afraid this would happen.
BETH: Oh, don't worry about it. He ain't worth it. Men are all jerks anyway. They're more useless than titties on a bull.
JULIE: No, not Jacob. He's different. He's the sweetest, most sensitive guy I have ever
met.
BETH: If he's such a wonderful guy, why are you crying?
TINA: Did something happen to him?
JULIE: He's coming here to see me.
BETH: That's the tragic news? Girl, you need help.
TINA: Isn't that good news? Don't you want to be with him?
JULIE: I do want to be with him, but not here. He's a big city guy. He'll hate it out here
and he'll hate me for it.
BETH: I think you're overreacting a bit.
TINA: At least give it a try.
BETH: He'll probably be so busy slobbering all over you, he won't even think about where he's at.
TINA: He's coming here to see you, not the town.
JULIE: But what about my family. There is no way my father is going to like him.
BETH: Why not?
TINA: Now wait a minute, Beth. You know how narrow minded Julie's Pa can be.
BETH: Oh, come on. There can't be that much that would bother him.
JULIE: Well...Jacob doesn't go to church.
TINA: Oh, dear. Your Grandpa's a minister.
JULIE: He's big into the environment. He thinks all hunters should be shot.
TINA: Isn't your dad a big game hunter?
JULIE: The biggest. And my uncle is an outfitter.
BETH: Oh, boy.
JULIE: He doesn't want to have any kids. He thinks the Earth is way too overpopulated as it is.
TINA: Doesn't your Grandmother hold the town record for giving birth to the most kids?
JULIE: They have a picture of her at the maternity ward in town.
BETH: Oh, come on. It ain't that bad. You're getting worked up over nothing.
TINA: I don't know, Beth. Remember when your cousin Earl brought home that girl from California? She had her armpit hair braided!
BETH: She did not.
TINA: JJ said he saw it.
BETH: And aren't you wondering why JJ was looking at her armpits?
TINA: And she chained herself to the local Steak in the Rough BBQ and refused to leave until they served salads.
JULIE: What happened to her?
TINA: She got run over by a garbage truck.
BETH: She did not.
TINA: Did so, ran right over her foot.
JULIE: How is this helping?
BETH: It's not.
TINA: Sorry. That's the last time I tell you what's on my mind.
BETH: That may be the last time something is on your mind anyway.
JULIE: Will you two knock it off?
BETH: Okay, back to your problem. (Looks at TINA) Mine ain't ever going away.
TINA: You want me to go away? Fine, I'll go away.
BETH: Oh, stop your pouting. I'm only kidding.
TINA: Jokes are only funny if both people enjoy them.
BETH: Where'd you hear that?
TINA: Ellen.
BETH: You know your ma told you to stop watching Ellen. She don’t like boys, you know.
JULIE: Why do I even talk to you two about my problems?
TINA: Right. Julie's problem. How do we keep Jacob from being run over by a garbage truck?
BETH: Or by any other truck in town.
JULIE: It's no use. I better tell him I'm coming up there instead.
BETH: But you always do that. Aren't you out of vacation days?
JULIE: Yes, but I could take unpaid leave.
BETH: You can't afford to do that! (Looks sheepish)
JULIE: And why not?
BETH: Because you just bought us a new big screen tv.
JULIE: I what?!
BETH: It'll be here tomorrow. Come on, Julie. We need a new one. The sound doesn't work on our TV.
JULIE: I can't believe you bought a big screen tv. Couldn't you get a nice little one? You don't have enough money for something like that.
BETH: Actually you bought it. Billy said he had your card number on file.
JULIE: You can't do that.
BETH: It was on sale.
JULIE: I can't believe the day I'm having. It has to get better than this. Think positive, Julie. Your day will get better, your day will get better. Maybe I'll go back to bed and start over.
TINA: That's what JJ says every time he can't...
BETH: (Stops her) Too much information, Tina.
TINA: All I was going to say is every time he forgets...
BETH: Still, too much information.
JULIE: Why does he have to come here anyway?
TINA: You know what. This sounds serious.
JULIE: You think so?
TINA: If he wants to see your hometown and meet your family. That is very serious.
BETH: But he hasn't belched your favorite song like JJ did for you. Now that's the clincher.
TINA: JJ has not belched my favorite song. He belched Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star when we went star watching.
BETH: I thought that was your favorite song.
TINA: No, my favorite is "Ooops, I did it again" by Brittney Spears.
BETH: You know that is the perfect love song for you and JJ. You think we can get JJ to belch that one?
JULIE: You two are still not helping.
BETH: You know, I hate to admit it but Tina’s got a point. I think Jacob is getting serious and if you turn him down, you might be taking a stroll down Breakup Street.
TINA: Breakup Street? Where's that?
BETH: Over by Clueless Court. (TINA looks confused) Anywho, you willing to take a chance on Jacob feeling rejected?
JULIE: Not really.
TINA: He might also think you're hiding something. Remember when my brother wouldn't let anyone in his room for the longest time, but then it started to smell real bad and daddy broke in.
BETH: Didn't he have a sheep locked in there?
TINA: Yeah. Although we never did figure out why it was all nervous and sweaty.
BETH: Ask JJ. I'm sure he knows.
JULIE: I see what you mean though, Tina.
BETH: You do?
JULIE: If I won't let Jacob come down, he might suspect that I've got another guy down here.
BETH: Or a sheep.
TINA: So if Jacob comes down, how do we keep him from being shot?
BETH: How about we give him a makeover?
JULIE: A makeover? What kind of makeover?
BETH: I don't know. Something that will make him fit in a little better. We can't have him showing up here in some t-shirt saying "Eat Beef and Die."
JULIE: What ever happened to freedom of expression?
BETH: Oh, get off your high horse, Julie. You know free speech is only free when you talk about what everyone wants to hear. You can't tell me if I went to visit Jacob and his family wearing a "I eat endangered species for breakfast" t-shirt that they wouldn't get upset at me. Face it, Julie. People only express themselves around people who feel the same way.
TINA: Did that just make any sense?
BETH: Were you always this slow or did you have an accident?
JULIE: I appreciate you two trying to help but I think everything will be fine.
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ISBN-13: 978-1540824349
