OPERATION REDNECK PART 2 by D. M. Larson
JJ: (Enters) Knock, knock.
JJ: (Enters) Knock, knock.
BETH: We're not home.
JJ: Aw, yes you are. You can't fool me.
BETH: Boy, Tina. You got one smart man there. Couldn't pull one over on him.
TINA: (Goes to him) Yeah, he is something special, ain't he?
JJ: You gotta beer, woman?
TINA: Sure, JJ. I'll get it for ya'.
BETH: Hey, JJ. I need to ask you something.
JJ: Not now, Beth. I ain't up to no thinkin'. I just got off work.
BETH: I didn't realize shoveling manure took so much brain power.
JJ: You'd be surprised.
BETH: I wouldn't bug you normally. I know those brain cells you got left are pretty precious but you just gotta try. Julie's got a problem and I think only you can help.
JULIE: I don't think so.
BETH: This man is just what we need.
JJ: That's what all the ladies tell me.
BETH: (Hits him) Don't get all cocky on me now.
TINA: (Enters) Here's your beer.
JULIE: (To BETH) Let's drop it, okay.
BETH: (Aside to JULIE) I'll be subtle.
JJ: I got my beer. I'm ready to start thinkin' now. (To JULIE) You come on over to Uncle JJ and tell him all your troubles.
JULIE: JJ. If some guy showed up here wearing a t-shirt that said "Eat Beef and Die" what would you do?
JJ: I'd say eat this buddy! (Pretends to put invisible guy in headlock and punch him) Pow, pow.
BETH: I rest my case.
JJ: We done here? I gotta take a pee. I need to make room for some more beer.
TINA: I'll have a cool one waiting for you.
JJ: That's right. (Kisses her) Take notes, ladies. This is how a man wants his woman. All ready to please him. (To TINA) And don't you wander off. I don't like it when my women ain't around when I'm lookin' for 'em. (Exits)
BETH: (Calls after him) Don't pee on the toilet seat again or it's the last time you'll be able to pee standing up. (To TINA) Uh, what do you see in that man?
TINA: What? What's wrong with him?
BETH: He's the perfect example of why Jacob needs to be careful when he comes down here.
JULIE: Maybe I should tell Jacob not to come at all.
BETH: No, you don't need to do that. What's wrong with asking him to keep a low profile for a few days?
JULIE: He doesn't know how to keep a low profile. He's a major activist. He's always pushing some cause or another. He doesn't know when to quit.
BETH: (Sarcastic) Sounds fun.
JULIE: I find it kind of sexy actually.
BETH: Seeing him get beat up by a bunch of rednecks won't be too sexy though.
JULIE: You know. That's the problem right there. Everyone here is a redneck. There isn't anything else. There's no other way to be.
TINA: And what's wrong with that?
JULIE: I mean there is so much more out there. There is so much more we can make of ourselves but no one cares. But they are going nowhere fast and they are enjoying the ride. Everyone here just wants to be a redneck.
BETH: That's it. That's the answer. We'll just turn him into a redneck.
JULIE: That wasn't what I was getting at.
BETH: But it's the perfect solution. If you can turn him into a redneck, your problem is solved.
JULIE: But I don't want him to be a redneck.
BETH: Just while he's here. Then when you send him home he can go back to being a city boy.
JULIE: This is crazy.
BETH: You're crazy not to try it.
JULIE: What do you want me to do? Call him up and say, "Hey, Jacob. Would you mind pretending to be a redneck while you're here? You're not good enough the way you are so I want you to pretend to be someone else."
TINA: That sounds good except I think that last sentence needs some work.
JULIE: Maybe I should tell him something. Would I be doing him more harm than good by not warning him?
BETH: He'll be okay if he has a good life insurance policy.
TINA: You better warn him. A guy like that is just asking for trouble.
JULIE: I'll tell him something, but not enough to make it seem like I'm trying to "fix" him.
TINA: How come you don't want to fix him? He needs some serious fixing.
BETH: And JJ doesn't?
TINA: No.
BETH: Yeah, JJ is ready for the junkyard.
TINA: I know. He'd really like to work there but they ain't hiring.
BETH: (Hand over head) Woosh! Went right by her didn't it?
TINA: What? JJ likes the junkyard. He wants to be on the cable show Garbage Wars where they built all kind of neat stuff out of junk.
BETH: I'll bet that's how God made JJ.
TINA: Hey!
BETH: She got that joke.
TINA: And it wasn't nice either.
BETH: Are any of my jokes nice?
JULIE: I guess I should call him.
BETH: Like five minutes ago. What are you waiting for?
JULIE: Fine. I'll call him and ask him to come down here dressed like a cowboy at least. He might do that.
BETH: Don't talk around the problem though. He needs to know what he's up against. They ain't like city folk here.
JULIE: (On phone) Hi, Jacob..... I got your letter..... surprised? Oh, yes..... Of course I'm excited about you coming.... what's wrong.... (To girls) He can tell I'm hiding something.
BETH: Tell him. It's for his own good.
JULIE: (To phone) Huh? Yes, I want you to come, it's just that people here are kind of different. No, not like me. Much, much different. They're not quite like the people in the city. They have their own ways of doing things. It's kind of like going to a foreign country.... They're not used to people like.... "we're" used to.
BETH: Get to the point, Julie.
JULIE: People here don't accept strangers too easily. I thought maybe you should... that you could.... I don't know how to say it.
BETH: Say it like it is. That always works for me.
TINA: That's what you think.
BETH: Hey!
TINA: Gotcha.
JULIE: People here are cowboys, they only seem to like other cowboys... maybe if you dress more like them...
BETH: And act more like them. Tell him to watch some John Wayne movies. Everybody like John Wayne.
TINA: And some Julia Roberts movies. I love Julia Roberts.
BETH: I think you've missed the point here, Tina.
TINA: You were talking about movies weren't you?
BETH: Tina, go sit down before you hurt yourself.
JULIE: Oh, I'm so glad you understand..... Thank you, Jacob.... Good.... That'll do... See you soon... Love you. Bye.
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