Monday, January 27, 2020

STRANGER STUFF The Mystery of the Mall Part 1 short comedy script for 7 actors



STRANGER STUFF
The Mystery of the Mall
Part 1
by D. M. Larson


CAST


WIZ: One of the friends who finds himself in danger.
LUMP: likes to use popular 80’s slang
DIPPER and MUNCH: Two friends of WIZ and LUMP
JOY: WIZ’s mom
POPPER: mall cop
ERLENDUR GESTUR: Strange foreigner found in the mall.
Use audience participation before the show to decide what
foreign accent the character will use.


Time: 1980 something
Place: A small town near you


SCENE 1


(Scene opens in darkness. Mysterious 80s synth music plays. In the darkness, flashlights appear. 
Scene starts with flashlights pointing around the stage and auditorium.
Actors could even enter through the auditorium. DIPPER, LUMP, MUNCH, and WIZ
are split up and spread out. They speak to each other on radios/walkie talkies:)


DIPPER

What’s going on? Why are the lights off?



LUMP

This is totally bogus. I guess they’re closed.



MUNCH

We’ve been playing P&P here every week for a year. Cosmic Comics

is always open on Friday nights.



WIZ

I hope they didn’t go out of business.



DIPPER

I bought enough comics here to make them rich.



LUMP

Maybe a little too rich. I bet those hosers took the money and retired.



MUNCH

What are we going to do? We can’t play in the dark.



WIZ

Or perhaps we can. I have the perfect adventure for this situation.

Something lurks in the darkness.



DIPPER

(excited)

Oh yeah. Let’s do this. 



(NOTE: If flashlights do not produce enough light, then stage lights can slowly
come up during the following to a blue light or low light to simulate darkness)


LUMP

This will be rad. I think I even have some glow in the dark dice. 



MUNCH

Totally awesome, dude.



(WIZ wanders off somewhere, either off stage or in the audience.
The others end up on stage together at a table. They pull out some books and dice)


WIZ

Wait. There really is something in the darkness.



DIPPER

He’s starting.



LUMP

I’m stoked, dudes.



MUNCH

We got this. Bring it on.



WIZ (OFF)

Something strange we’ve never seen here before.


DIPPER
Something new?!


LUMP
Wicked! I thought we’d battled everything by now.


WIZ
Not this… this is different. Very different.


MUNCH
Do we take a closer look?


DIPPER
Of course.


LUMP
Weapons out? 


MUNCH
Or should we approach peacefully?


DIPPER
I’m not putting myself in danger like that. 


LUMP
Right on. I take out my battleaxe. Say hello to my little friend.


MUNCH
Fine. I’ll ready my sword.


DIPPER
Nunchucks ready.


LUMP
Say what? Nunchucks?


DIPPER
I’m using my ninja character.


MUNCH
We should have your ninja sneak up on it then. 


DIPPER 
Okay, I’ll sneak up on the creature. Sound good, Wiz?


(Static is heard on their radios)


DIPPER
Wiz? You there?


(More static. They point their flashlights around looking for WIZ)


LUMP
Yo. You okay, Wiz?


WIZ (OFF)
Who are you? No… stop… help!


(WIZ screams)


MUNCH
Wiz!


DIPPER
Where are you?


LUMP
Whoa, baby? What happened, dudes?


(They rush around the stage with their flashlights, but can’t see anything. They get back together)


MUNCH
Wiz?! Do you read? Over!


(There are weird sounds on the radio now)


DIPPER
What was that sound?


MUNCH
Wiz? Talk to us! 


(Weird sounds again)


LUMP
That ain’t Wiz. That’s something else.


MUNCH
Like what?


DIPPER
Something we’ve never heard before.


(More weird sounds)


LUMP
This is bogus, dudes! 


DIPPER
Maybe it’s aliens?!


MUNCH
Or ghosts!


LUMP
I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.


MUNCH
No way, It’s like some strange language.


DIPPER
You really think it’s aliens?


LUMP
I don’t have to take this. I’m going home.


MUNCH
We have to find Wiz and get out of here!


(Suddenly all the lights come on and they realize they are starting in the middle of a mall.
A big sign says SPACEPORT MALL and there are stores like Waffle on a Stick and
Licky Lou Lollipops. DIPPER, MUNCH and LUMP scream, run around and jump into
each other’s arms. A shadowy figure, ERLENDUR GESTUR, approaches) 


DIPPER
Wiz? Is that you?


ERLENDUR
Viz. Vho ez dis Viz?


LUMP
Not the mama. 


ERLENDUR
No, Iz not zu mama.


MUNCH
He talks funny.


DIPPER
But I don’t think he’s an alien.


ERLENDUR
Nu, nu, nu. I not alien. Iz American. Just like vu.


LUMP
What you talking about? You talk funny for an American.


ERLENDUR
Vunny? Vut do you mean?


MUNCH
Where are you from?


ERLENDUR
Vrum Chicago.


DIPPER
He means… where is your family from? Before Chicago.


ERLENDUR
Oh! New Jersey.


MUNCH
Never mind.


LUMP
So, Dweeb… like... what happened to the comic book store?


ERLENDUR
Vis? Vis is Spaceport Mall.


DIPPER
Spaceport huh? Alien.


MUNCH
But wait. How did this get here? It’s only been a week.


ERLENDUR
No, no, no. Ve vork on this long time. Vu just not notice.


LUMP
Take off, eh! We were in the comic book store every week for a couple of years.
And it was like right here, dude. 


ERLENDUR
Do you like my mall? It has so many things people like. Waffle on a Stick.
Licky Lou Lollipop. And a place to perform. We are having a talent show. 


(ERLENDUR hands them flyers)


MUNCH
You like to sing, don’t you DIpper?


DIPPER
Not really.


LUMP
That’s not what your girlfriend says.


(LUMP and MUNCH speak at the same time in a girly, high pitched voice)


LUMP and MUNCH
You sing like an angel.


DIPPER
I’m going to kill you guys.


ERLENDUR
Please. Come to the talent show. Bring your girl. And sing.


DIPPER
These are the songs?


ERLENDUR
Yes, must be those. 


(Radio static and then voice is heard)


WIZ (OFF)
You guys forget about something.


LUMP
Wiz! Where are you?


WIZ (OFF)
Some maniac tied me up and I’m hanging upside down somewhere.
The blood is rushing to my head. I feel lightheaded.


MUNCH
Did you say, someone tied you up? Upside down?


(They all stare at ERLENDUR)


ERLENDUR
Vas not me.


WIZ (OFF)
Whoever it was, wasn’t big, but had some kind of power. Superpower even.


DIPPER
Any clue where you are, Wiz?


WIZ
It seems like a basement. No windows. I can see some boxes have the letters
LLL on them.


(They look around. LUMP realizes)


LUMP
Licky Lou Lollipops!


DIPPER
Is there a storage unit by Licky Lou’s?


ERLENDUR
Of course. I show you. 


(LUMP, DIPPER, and MUNCH exit behind ERLENDUR. MUNCH stops LUMP)


MUNCH
You sure this is a good idea. What if he trapped Wiz and he’s gonna get us too?


DIPPER
Come on!


ERLENDUR
Vis vay! 


(JOY rushes in and stops them. She is frantic)


JOY
Where’s my boy?!


ERLENDUR
Zorry, Mizz. Zee mall ez clozed.


(POPPER, a mall cop, runs in after JOY all tired)


POPPER
Sorry, sir. She insisted that her son was in here and I said she could check.


JOY
Have you kids seen him?


(During following, ERLENDUR slips away and disappears)


LUMP
Wiz was with us.


DIPPER
We think he might be stuck somewhere. 


POPPER
How did all you kids get in here?


MUNCH
We thought this was the comic book store we usually go to.
Where did this mall come from?


POPPER
They did build it pretty fast. I’m the sheriff in these here parts now.


LUMP
You mean: mall cop.


POPPER
I prefer sheriff.


JOY
Who cares?! Where’s Wiz?!


(WIZ’s voice comes over the radio)


WIZ (off)
Is that my mom?


DIPPER
Yup, she’s here now.


WIZ (off)
Is she mad?


(JOY is clearly upset. Nearly hyperventilating)


DIPPER
Maybe.


(JOY rips the radio from DIPPER’s hands)


JOY
Where are you?


WIZ
I fell and I’m hanging upside down in some storage room.
I’m feeling very light headed.


(JOY punches POPPER)


JOY
We have to help him!


POPPER
Okay!


MUNCH
He said the boxes were marked LLL which could be Licky Lou Lollipops.


(LUMP points)


LUMP
Or Laura’s Leather Lounge.


DIPPER
Or Little Lion’s Lair.


MUNCH
Why are there so many LLL stores?


JOY
Let’s check them all. Now!


(They all jump at her yelling and they scatter. After a few moments, ERLENDUR enters with WiZ)


ERLENDUR
I vound him.


WIZ
Where is everybody?


ERLENDUR
I voo not know.


(WIZ holds stomach)


WIZ
I don’t feel so good. It must be from hanging upside down.


ERLENDUR
Did vu see who did that to vu?


WIZ
Not really?


ERLENDUR
Vas it big man or little girl?


WIZ
Little girl?


ERLENDUR
Yes.


WIZ
Well, it didn’t get a good look, but it wasn’t a big man. Something about my size,
but powerful.


ERLENDUR
LIke a girl?


(WIZ is annoyed)


WIZ
I don’t know.


ERLENDUR
Don’t be sad, little boy. You are safe now. You want candy? I have candy store here.
I get you candy.


WIZ
No, my stomach is killing me.


(WIZ bends over in pain)


ERLENDUR
Oh, look. They come back. Let’s surprise them.


WIZ
What? Wait. No!


(ERLENDUR throws a blanket or big coat over WIZ)


JOY
Anyone find him?


DIPPER
Nope.


(JOY shakes DIPPER violently)


JOY
Why not?!


(ERLENDUR laughs)


ERLENDUR
I have a surprise for you. Ta-da!


(ERLENDUR pulls off blanket/coat and reveals WIZ)


JOY
My boy!


(They all cheer)


MUNCH
You found him! Totally awesome.


LUMP
Now we do the dance of joy! 


(LUMP, DIPPER and MUNCH dance)


ERLENDUR
I am glad you all so happy. You must all come back tomorrow when the mall opens.
We have free samples of foods like Waffle on a Stick. And we will have talent show. 


(ERLENDUR gives them all flyers)


LUMP
Totally tubular. I like waffles.


DIPPER
Why does everyone have to sing the same song at the talent show?


MUNCH
That’s going to drive everyone crazy.


ERLENDUR
It’s a good song. A favorite song. Someone likes it very much. A special guest.
We want her to come. She like song. You come. You eat. You sing. Bye, bye.


(ERLENDUR exits)


DIPPER
There’s something strange about that guy.


LUMP
Major hoser.


MUNCH
There’s something strange about all of this.


LUMP
Totally bogus.


POPPER
He is an odd one, but this mall will be a great thing for our community. 


JOY
We better get you home.


WIZ
I think I’m going to be sick.


LUMP
Gag me.


(JOY punches LUMP and then takes WIZ away)


DIPPER
Wiz doesn’t look so good.


LUMP
Never feed him after midnight. 


MUNCH
I have a bad feeling about this.


POPPER
You kids better get home. It’s late.


DIPPER
Yes, sir, Sheriff.


(POPPER puffs up and smiles at being called Sheriff)


LUMP
Transform and roll out!


MUNCH
You are such a dweeb.


LUMP
What’s that?


(LUMP pretends to get mad and gets in MUNCH’s face)


MUNCH
Dweeb.


LUMP
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.


DIPPER
Let’s go Hulk.


(DIPPER grabs LUMP and MUNCH does a fake punch and miss)


MUNCH
Missed it! By that much!


(DIPPER is dragging LUMP off)


LUMP
I’ll be back.


(LUMP, DIPPER, and MUNCH exit)


POPPER
I have to admit. There is some strange stuff going on here.
Good thing I’m on the case.


(POPPER pulls out his flashlight like a gun and does a weird, overdramatic exit,
tries to jump something, trips and falls)


END OF SCENE 

Thanks for checking out a first draft of my Stranger Things satire. Want to see more? Email me at doug@freedrama.net to ask for more! (and tell me what you want to see happen next)

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