STRANGER STUFF The Mystery of the Mall Part 1 short comedy script for 7 actors

STRANGER STUFF

The Mystery of the Mall

Part 1

by D. M. Larson

CAST

WIZ: One of the friends who finds himself in danger.

LUMP: likes to use popular 80’s slang

DIPPER and MUNCH: Two friends of WIZ and LUMP

JOY: WIZ’s mom

POPPER: mall cop

ERLENDUR GESTUR: Strange foreigner found in the mall.
Use audience participation before the show to decide what
foreign accent the character will use.

Time: 1980 something

Place: A small town near you

SCENE 1

(Scene opens in darkness. Mysterious 80s synth music plays. In the darkness, flashlights appear. 
Scene starts with flashlights pointing around the stage and auditorium.
Actors could even enter through the auditorium. DIPPER, LUMP, MUNCH, and WIZ
are split up and spread out. They speak to each other on radios/walkie talkies:)

DIPPER

What’s going on? Why are the lights off?

LUMP

This is totally bogus. I guess they’re closed.

MUNCH

We’ve been playing P&P here every week for a year. Cosmic Comics

is always open on Friday nights.

WIZ

I hope they didn’t go out of business.

DIPPER

I bought enough comics here to make them rich.

LUMP

Maybe a little too rich. I bet those hosers took the money and retired.

MUNCH

What are we going to do? We can’t play in the dark.

WIZ

Or perhaps we can. I have the perfect adventure for this situation.

Something lurks in the darkness.

DIPPER

(excited)

Oh yeah. Let’s do this. 

(NOTE: If flashlights do not produce enough light, then stage lights can slowly
come up during the following to a blue light or low light to simulate darkness)

LUMP

This will be rad. I think I even have some glow in the dark dice. 

MUNCH

Totally awesome, dude.

(WIZ wanders off somewhere, either off stage or in the audience.
The others end up on stage together at a table. They pull out some books and dice)

WIZ

Wait. There really is something in the darkness.

DIPPER

He’s starting.

LUMP

I’m stoked, dudes.

MUNCH

We got this. Bring it on.

WIZ (OFF)

Something strange we’ve never seen here before.

DIPPER

Something new?!

LUMP

Wicked! I thought we’d battled everything by now.

WIZ

Not this… this is different. Very different.

MUNCH

Do we take a closer look?

DIPPER

Of course.

LUMP

Weapons out? 

MUNCH

Or should we approach peacefully?

DIPPER

I’m not putting myself in danger like that. 

LUMP

Right on. I take out my battleaxe. Say hello to my little friend.

MUNCH

Fine. I’ll ready my sword.

DIPPER

Nunchucks ready.

LUMP

Say what? Nunchucks?

DIPPER

I’m using my ninja character.

MUNCH

We should have your ninja sneak up on it then. 

DIPPER 

Okay, I’ll sneak up on the creature. Sound good, Wiz?

(Static is heard on their radios)

DIPPER

Wiz? You there?

(More static. They point their flashlights around looking for WIZ)

LUMP

Yo. You okay, Wiz?

WIZ (OFF)

Who are you? No… stop… help!

(WIZ screams)

MUNCH

Wiz!

DIPPER

Where are you?

LUMP

Whoa, baby? What happened, dudes?

(They rush around the stage with their flashlights, but can’t see anything. They get back together)

MUNCH

Wiz?! Do you read? Over!

(There are weird sounds on the radio now)

DIPPER

What was that sound?

MUNCH

Wiz? Talk to us! 

(Weird sounds again)

LUMP

That ain’t Wiz. That’s something else.

MUNCH

Like what?

DIPPER

Something we’ve never heard before.

(More weird sounds)

LUMP

This is bogus, dudes! 

DIPPER

Maybe it’s aliens?!

MUNCH

Or ghosts!

LUMP

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

MUNCH

No way, It’s like some strange language.

DIPPER

You really think it’s aliens?

LUMP

I don’t have to take this. I’m going home.

MUNCH

We have to find Wiz and get out of here!

(Suddenly all the lights come on and they realize they are starting in the middle of a mall.
A big sign says SPACEPORT MALL and there are stores like Waffle on a Stick and
Licky Lou Lollipops. DIPPER, MUNCH and LUMP scream, run around and jump into
each other’s arms. A shadowy figure, ERLENDUR GESTUR, approaches) 

DIPPER

Wiz? Is that you?

ERLENDUR

Viz. Vho ez dis Viz?

LUMP

Not the mama. 

ERLENDUR

No, Iz not zu mama.

MUNCH

He talks funny.

DIPPER

But I don’t think he’s an alien.

ERLENDUR

Nu, nu, nu. I not alien. Iz American. Just like vu.

LUMP

What you talking about? You talk funny for an American.

ERLENDUR

Vunny? Vut do you mean?

MUNCH

Where are you from?

ERLENDUR

Vrum Chicago.

DIPPER

He means… where is your family from? Before Chicago.

ERLENDUR

Oh! New Jersey.

MUNCH

Never mind.

LUMP

So, Dweeb… like... what happened to the comic book store?

ERLENDUR

Vis? Vis is Spaceport Mall.

DIPPER

Spaceport huh? Alien.

MUNCH

But wait. How did this get here? It’s only been a week.

ERLENDUR

No, no, no. Ve vork on this long time. Vu just not notice.

LUMP

Take off, eh! We were in the comic book store every week for a couple of years.
And it was like right here, dude. 

ERLENDUR

Do you like my mall? It has so many things people like. Waffle on a Stick.
Licky Lou Lollipop. And a place to perform. We are having a talent show. 

(ERLENDUR hands them flyers)

MUNCH

You like to sing, don’t you DIpper?

DIPPER

Not really.

LUMP

That’s not what your girlfriend says.

(LUMP and MUNCH speak at the same time in a girly, high pitched voice)

LUMP and MUNCH

You sing like an angel.

DIPPER

I’m going to kill you guys.

ERLENDUR

Please. Come to the talent show. Bring your girl. And sing.

DIPPER

These are the songs?

ERLENDUR

Yes, must be those. 

(Radio static and then voice is heard)

WIZ (OFF)

You guys forget about something.

LUMP

Wiz! Where are you?

WIZ (OFF)

Some maniac tied me up and I’m hanging upside down somewhere.
The blood is rushing to my head. I feel lightheaded.

MUNCH

Did you say, someone tied you up? Upside down?

(They all stare at ERLENDUR)

ERLENDUR

Vas not me.

WIZ (OFF)

Whoever it was, wasn’t big, but had some kind of power. Superpower even.

DIPPER

Any clue where you are, Wiz?

WIZ

It seems like a basement. No windows. I can see some boxes have the letters
LLL on them.

(They look around. LUMP realizes)

LUMP

Licky Lou Lollipops!

DIPPER

Is there a storage unit by Licky Lou’s?

ERLENDUR

Of course. I show you. 

(LUMP, DIPPER, and MUNCH exit behind ERLENDUR. MUNCH stops LUMP)

MUNCH

You sure this is a good idea. What if he trapped Wiz and he’s gonna get us too?

DIPPER

Come on!

ERLENDUR

Vis vay! 

(JOY rushes in and stops them. She is frantic)

JOY

Where’s my boy?!

ERLENDUR

Zorry, Mizz. Zee mall ez clozed.

(POPPER, a mall cop, runs in after JOY all tired)

POPPER

Sorry, sir. She insisted that her son was in here and I said she could check.

JOY

Have you kids seen him?

(During following, ERLENDUR slips away and disappears)

LUMP

Wiz was with us.

DIPPER

We think he might be stuck somewhere. 

POPPER

How did all you kids get in here?

MUNCH

We thought this was the comic book store we usually go to.
Where did this mall come from?

POPPER

They did build it pretty fast. I’m the sheriff in these here parts now.

LUMP

You mean: mall cop.

POPPER

I prefer sheriff.

JOY

Who cares?! Where’s Wiz?!

(WIZ’s voice comes over the radio)

WIZ (off)

Is that my mom?

DIPPER

Yup, she’s here now.

WIZ (off)

Is she mad?

(JOY is clearly upset. Nearly hyperventilating)

DIPPER

Maybe.

(JOY rips the radio from DIPPER’s hands)

JOY

Where are you?

WIZ

I fell and I’m hanging upside down in some storage room.
I’m feeling very light headed.

(JOY punches POPPER)

JOY

We have to help him!

POPPER

Okay!

MUNCH

He said the boxes were marked LLL which could be Licky Lou Lollipops.

(LUMP points)

LUMP

Or Laura’s Leather Lounge.

DIPPER

Or Little Lion’s Lair.

MUNCH

Why are there so many LLL stores?

JOY

Let’s check them all. Now!

(They all jump at her yelling and they scatter. After a few moments, ERLENDUR enters with WiZ)

ERLENDUR

I vound him.

WIZ

Where is everybody?

ERLENDUR

I voo not know.

(WIZ holds stomach)

WIZ

I don’t feel so good. It must be from hanging upside down.

ERLENDUR

Did vu see who did that to vu?

WIZ

Not really?

ERLENDUR

Vas it big man or little girl?

WIZ

Little girl?

ERLENDUR

Yes.

WIZ

Well, it didn’t get a good look, but it wasn’t a big man. Something about my size,
but powerful.

ERLENDUR

LIke a girl?

(WIZ is annoyed)

WIZ

I don’t know.

ERLENDUR

Don’t be sad, little boy. You are safe now. You want candy? I have candy store here.
I get you candy.

WIZ

No, my stomach is killing me.

(WIZ bends over in pain)

ERLENDUR

Oh, look. They come back. Let’s surprise them.

WIZ

What? Wait. No!

(ERLENDUR throws a blanket or big coat over WIZ)

JOY

Anyone find him?

DIPPER

Nope.

(JOY shakes DIPPER violently)

JOY

Why not?!

(ERLENDUR laughs)

ERLENDUR

I have a surprise for you. Ta-da!

(ERLENDUR pulls off blanket/coat and reveals WIZ)

JOY

My boy!

(They all cheer)

MUNCH

You found him! Totally awesome.

LUMP

Now we do the dance of joy! 

(LUMP, DIPPER and MUNCH dance)

ERLENDUR

I am glad you all so happy. You must all come back tomorrow when the mall opens.
We have free samples of foods like Waffle on a Stick. And we will have talent show. 

(ERLENDUR gives them all flyers)

LUMP

Totally tubular. I like waffles.

DIPPER

Why does everyone have to sing the same song at the talent show?

MUNCH

That’s going to drive everyone crazy.

ERLENDUR

It’s a good song. A favorite song. Someone likes it very much. A special guest.
We want her to come. She like song. You come. You eat. You sing. Bye, bye.

(ERLENDUR exits)

DIPPER

There’s something strange about that guy.

LUMP

Major hoser.

MUNCH

There’s something strange about all of this.

LUMP

Totally bogus.

POPPER

He is an odd one, but this mall will be a great thing for our community. 

JOY

We better get you home.

WIZ

I think I’m going to be sick.

LUMP

Gag me.

(JOY punches LUMP and then takes WIZ away)

DIPPER

Wiz doesn’t look so good.

LUMP

Never feed him after midnight. 

MUNCH

I have a bad feeling about this.

POPPER

You kids better get home. It’s late.

DIPPER

Yes, sir, Sheriff.

(POPPER puffs up and smiles at being called Sheriff)

LUMP

Transform and roll out!

MUNCH

You are such a dweeb.

LUMP

What’s that?

(LUMP pretends to get mad and gets in MUNCH’s face)

MUNCH

Dweeb.

LUMP

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

DIPPER

Let’s go Hulk.

(DIPPER grabs LUMP and MUNCH does a fake punch and miss)

MUNCH

Missed it! By that much!

(DIPPER is dragging LUMP off)

LUMP

I’ll be back.

(LUMP, DIPPER, and MUNCH exit)

POPPER

I have to admit. There is some strange stuff going on here.
Good thing I’m on the case.

(POPPER pulls out his flashlight like a gun and does a weird, overdramatic exit,
tries to jump something, trips and falls)

END OF SCENE 

Thanks for checking out a first draft of my Stranger Things satire. Want to see more? Email me at doug@freedrama.net to ask for more! (and tell me what you want to see happen next)

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