“BOOKS AND BUG ZAPPERS” by D. M. Larson
(PAIGE is librarian reading a romance novel. WILSON comes in and looks around. She notices him and thinks he is cute and look in a compact mirror to check herself and sees something in her teeth. She picks at it as WILSON goes up to her and tries to look in her mirror - she notices and gets embarrassed)
PAIGE
Can I help you?
WILSON
You have any books about name robbing?
PAIGE
You mean identity theft?
WILSON
Yeah. That.
PAIGE
Let me see what we have.
WILSON
What are doing?
PAIGE
I was going to look it up on the computer.
WILSON
Oh, no. Don't do that. That's how I winded up in this pickle in the first place.
PAIGE
Yes, identity theft can occur on the web. I'm sorry to hear it happened to you. Did you give some of your personal information online?
WILSON
I was getting my new hunting license and they had to enter all my info in one of them computers now and they said I was somebody else!
(PAIGE is being flirty)
PAIGE
What is your name?
WILSON
Greg Wilson.
PAIGE
Of the Wilson bug zappers?
WILSON
That's right. I invented the first FDA approved indoor bug zapper. Patent pending.
PAIGE
That was the talk of the town a few years ago - so you're like a real inventor?
WILSON
I'll let you in on a secret. I kind of done it by accident.
PAIGE
Many inventors do. Here's a book about Alfred Nobel. He created dynamite by accident. Many great discoverers were made that way.
WILSON
Aw, I ain't all that great.
PAIGE
In this town you are. You're our local celebrity. Thanks to you, we can all enjoy bug free meals.
WILSON
You make me sound all heroic and special. I like that. What's your name anyway?
PAIGE
Paige.
WILSON
Paige what?
PAIGE
It's a silly name actually. I think my parents were being funny. Paige Turner.
WILSON
Well, you could get married and change it.
PAIGE
I'd love to get married.
WILSON
Yeah me too… just waiting for the right filly to come along...
PAIGE
What do you look for in a... Filly?
WILSON
I need a brave woman. A woman ain't afraid of a wild stallion like me who won't be tamed. She needs to stand back and let me be me. And be there for me when I need something, like a pizza or a back rub.
PAIGE
I like pizza.
WILSON
What kind?
PAIGE
Green olive and bacon.
WILSON
Bacon? Sounds yummy. How about mushrooms?
PAIGE
Hate them.
WILSON
Me too.
PAIGE
You ever try Joe's pizza?
WISON
Almost every day.
PAIGE
Been there yet today?
WISON
Nope.
PAIGE
Want to uh.. Meet there later... I'll bring some info for you about identity theft.
WILSON
You really want to help me?
PAIGE
Yes.
WILSON
I guess the library ain't such a bad place after all.
PAIGE
It's the best place on earth. It's my home away from home. Growing up it was always my refuge. I could always escape here and discover something new… something that would take me away from all my worries and troubles. I am always happiest in a library surrounded by books.
WILSON
It's nice to see someone so happy with what they're doing. I wish everyone was like that. Too many people hate what they are doing. Life’s too short not to be happy. And today, pizza is going to make me happy. Pizza and you.
PAIGE
And me?
WILSON
And you. See you later alligator.
PAIGE
In a while crocodile.
(Wilson leaves)
Paige
I have a date!
(Shushing sounds and she hides behind her romance novel giggling)
END OF PLAY
(PAIGE is librarian reading a romance novel. WILSON comes in and looks around. She notices him and thinks he is cute and look in a compact mirror to check herself and sees something in her teeth. She picks at it as WILSON goes up to her and tries to look in her mirror - she notices and gets embarrassed)
PAIGE
Can I help you?
WILSON
You have any books about name robbing?
PAIGE
You mean identity theft?
WILSON
Yeah. That.
PAIGE
Let me see what we have.
WILSON
What are doing?
PAIGE
I was going to look it up on the computer.
WILSON
Oh, no. Don't do that. That's how I winded up in this pickle in the first place.
PAIGE
Yes, identity theft can occur on the web. I'm sorry to hear it happened to you. Did you give some of your personal information online?
WILSON
I was getting my new hunting license and they had to enter all my info in one of them computers now and they said I was somebody else!
(PAIGE is being flirty)
PAIGE
What is your name?
WILSON
Greg Wilson.
PAIGE
Of the Wilson bug zappers?
WILSON
That's right. I invented the first FDA approved indoor bug zapper. Patent pending.
PAIGE
That was the talk of the town a few years ago - so you're like a real inventor?
WILSON
I'll let you in on a secret. I kind of done it by accident.
PAIGE
Many inventors do. Here's a book about Alfred Nobel. He created dynamite by accident. Many great discoverers were made that way.
WILSON
Aw, I ain't all that great.
PAIGE
In this town you are. You're our local celebrity. Thanks to you, we can all enjoy bug free meals.
WILSON
You make me sound all heroic and special. I like that. What's your name anyway?
PAIGE
Paige.
WILSON
Paige what?
PAIGE
It's a silly name actually. I think my parents were being funny. Paige Turner.
WILSON
Well, you could get married and change it.
PAIGE
I'd love to get married.
WILSON
Yeah me too… just waiting for the right filly to come along...
PAIGE
What do you look for in a... Filly?
WILSON
I need a brave woman. A woman ain't afraid of a wild stallion like me who won't be tamed. She needs to stand back and let me be me. And be there for me when I need something, like a pizza or a back rub.
PAIGE
I like pizza.
WILSON
What kind?
PAIGE
Green olive and bacon.
WILSON
Bacon? Sounds yummy. How about mushrooms?
PAIGE
Hate them.
WILSON
Me too.
PAIGE
You ever try Joe's pizza?
WISON
Almost every day.
PAIGE
Been there yet today?
WISON
Nope.
PAIGE
Want to uh.. Meet there later... I'll bring some info for you about identity theft.
WILSON
You really want to help me?
PAIGE
Yes.
WILSON
I guess the library ain't such a bad place after all.
PAIGE
It's the best place on earth. It's my home away from home. Growing up it was always my refuge. I could always escape here and discover something new… something that would take me away from all my worries and troubles. I am always happiest in a library surrounded by books.
WILSON
It's nice to see someone so happy with what they're doing. I wish everyone was like that. Too many people hate what they are doing. Life’s too short not to be happy. And today, pizza is going to make me happy. Pizza and you.
PAIGE
And me?
WILSON
And you. See you later alligator.
PAIGE
In a while crocodile.
(Wilson leaves)
Paige
I have a date!
(Shushing sounds and she hides behind her romance novel giggling)
END OF PLAY
***
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