OPERATION REDNECK
by
D. M. Larson
Cast of Characters
JULIE: A small town girl with big town dreams
TINA: Airhead small town girl
BETH: Cranky friend of JULIE and TINA
JJ: Redneck boyfriend of TINA
JACOB: JULIE's big town boyfriend
PA: JULIE's cantankerous father
ACT I
Scene 1
(Lights come up on house of the three roomies: BETH, TINA, and JULIE. The room is decorated with some of the following: coffee table is a telephone cable spool, a toilet seat is used as a picture frame, a dead Christmas tree is in the corner, there is a stuffed possum on the shelf, the wall is water stained from years of floods, Elvis memorabilia sits proudly beside the possum, a black velvet painting hangs on the wall, etc.)
BETH: Mail call.
TINA: No thanks. I already have a man.
BETH: No, this kind of mail, stupid.
TINA: Oh.
BETH: George Strait Fan Club Newsletter for Tina.
TINA: Thank you. (Opens it, excited) I love getting these almost as much as I love my JJ.
BETH: And sadly, I don't know which I dislike more.
TINA: (Shows picture to JULIE) Check out this month's picture.
JULIE: That's obscene.
BETH: You should see what she paid for a membership. They better give her something good.
TINA: (Tries to get JULIE to look) How'd you think they got that to hang there like that?
JULIE: Please, I just had breakfast and now I really wish I hadn't had sausage.
BETH: (Looks at mail) Bill, bill, bill... (Throws them in garbage)
JULIE: Don't throw those away. (Rescues them)
BETH: That's where I always put the bills.
JULIE: Ah! Look at this phone bill. Final notice. Beth!
BETH: Don't worry. We got that same one two months ago. I'll just call my uncle at the phone company. He'll take care of it.
JULIE: (Holds up bills) I don't care how many of these people you are related to. We'll have to pay them some day.
BETH: I just figured I'd stall until I got married and then I'd make my husband pay.
TINA: (Showing newsletter) Look. George Straight underwear.
BETH: (Looks at newsletter) You realize that when you sit down, you sit on his face.
JULIE: You two are so weird.
BETH: And one envelope for Julie.
JULIE: Junk mail, no doubt. Just throw it in the garbage.
BETH: Okay, if you say so. But it's a letter from Jacob.
JULIE: (Runs to grab it) Give it here. (Gets it from BETH. Exits to her room)
TINA: Jacob. The man of her dreams.
BETH: I got plenty of men in my dreams. I just wish some of them were real.
JULIE: (Off) Oh, no!
TINA: That didn't sound good.
BETH: So much for that dream.
TINA: Julie? You okay in there? Come on out, honey and talk to us.
JULIE: (Comes out) I've been afraid this would happen.
BETH: Oh, don't worry about it. He ain't worth it. Men are all jerks anyway. They're more useless than titties on a bull.
JULIE: No, not Jacob. He's different. He's the sweetest, most sensitive guy I have ever
met.
BETH: If he's such a wonderful guy, why are you crying?
TINA: Did something happen to him?
JULIE: He's coming here to see me.
BETH: That's the tragic news? Girl, you need help.
TINA: Isn't that good news? Don't you want to be with him?
JULIE: I do want to be with him, but not here. He's a big city guy. He'll hate it out here
and he'll hate me for it.
BETH: I think you're overreacting a bit.
TINA: At least give it a try.
BETH: He'll probably be so busy slobbering all over you, he won't even think about where he's at.
TINA: He's coming here to see you, not the town.
JULIE: But what about my family. There is no way my father is going to like him.
BETH: Why not?
TINA: Now wait a minute, Beth. You know how narrow minded Julie's Pa can be.
BETH: Oh, come on. There can't be that much that would bother him.
JULIE: Well...Jacob doesn't go to church.
TINA: Oh, dear. Your Grandpa's a minister.
JULIE: He's big into the environment. He thinks all hunters should be shot.
TINA: Isn't your dad a big game hunter?
JULIE: The biggest. And my uncle is an outfitter.
BETH: Oh, boy.
JULIE: He doesn't want to have any kids. He thinks the Earth is way too overpopulated as it is.
TINA: Doesn't your Grandmother hold the town record for giving birth to the most kids?
JULIE: They have a picture of her at the maternity ward in town.
BETH: Oh, come on. It ain't that bad. You're getting worked up over nothing.
TINA: I don't know, Beth. Remember when your cousin Earl brought home that girl from California? She had her armpit hair braided!
BETH: She did not.
TINA: JJ said he saw it.
BETH: And aren't you wondering why JJ was looking at her armpits?
TINA: And she chained herself to the local Steak in the Rough BBQ and refused to leave until they served salads.
JULIE: What happened to her?
TINA: She got run over by a garbage truck.
BETH: She did not.
TINA: Did so, ran right over her foot.
JULIE: How is this helping?
BETH: It's not.
TINA: Sorry. That's the last time I tell you what's on my mind.
BETH: That may be the last time something is on your mind anyway.
JULIE: Will you two knock it off?
BETH: Okay, back to your problem. (Looks at TINA) Mine ain't ever going away.
TINA: You want me to go away? Fine, I'll go away.
BETH: Oh, stop your pouting. I'm only kidding.
TINA: Jokes are only funny if both people enjoy them.
BETH: Where'd you hear that?
TINA: Oprah.
BETH: You know your ma told you to stop watching Oprah. She won't eat beef you know.
JULIE: Why do I even talk to you two about my problems?
TINA: Right. Julie's problem. How do we keep Jacob from being run over by a garbage truck?
BETH: Or by any other truck in town.
***
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