SCENE 1 - HEART ATTACK
(People are on a subway. A woman, Nell, is standing
listening to music. Mel is sitting looking at his watch
impatiently. Jay is next to him with a magazine. Lissy sits
a ways away reading a book.)
MEL
How long have we been stuck here? I
don’t think we’ve moved at all in
an hour. I can’t sit here all day.
Uh... this is driving me nuts.
What’s the hold up?
JAY
No clue. Did you see this article
about peace negotiations in North
Korea? Kim Jong Un says he’ll only
talk to Angelina Jolie. Somebody
wants a spanking.
MEL
What? Oh, man.
(Nell looks over at Mel and notices he is in distress)
JAY
I made that last part up. It
doesn’t say that.
MEL
Man... oh...
JAY
You okay?
MEL
I... uh... man...
JAY
You don’t look so good.
MEL
What’s wrong with me?
JAY
Maybe it’s something you ate. That
egg salad sandwich was not a
natural color.
MEL
Man... Uh! I think this is it...
this is that heart attack my doctor
promised me... I think this is the
big one...
JAY
Geez... really? Now? Can’t you hold
it in or something?
MEL
Oh... oh... man!
(Suddenly Nell goes over to Mel, sits next to him and gives
him a huge kiss. He is startled at first and then calms down
and enjoys it. She stops kissing and Mel looks very happy)
NELL
There. Better?
MEL
All better.
NELL
Good.
(Nell goes back to her spot and listens to her music again.
Mel and Jay look at her in amazement)
JAY
What was that all about?
LISSY
You were probably just having a
panic attack. She snapped you out
of it.
MEL
I’ll say.
JAY
Panic again... let’s see what she
does.
(Nell smirks but doesn’t look at them)
MEL
Thank you.
(Nell shrugs)
JAY
She’s hot too. Ask her out.
MEL
What?
JAY
She’s hot and she kissed you. Ask
her out.
MEL
But... I... I’m so confused.
JAY
The kiss was that good huh?
MEL
Better than good. That was the best
kiss I’ve had in my whole life.
(Nell smiles to herself and does something flirty with her
hair)
JAY
She’s flirting. Go for it.
MEL
Uh... uh...
JAY
That’s good. Panic. She likes that.
MEL
Stop.
JAY
No, you stop. Stop being so shy.
Stop missing out on life. Stop
hiding. Life walked up to you and
kissed you on the lips. Give life a
chance. Quit being so dead all the
time.
MEL
I have been, haven’t I? Dead...
dead for a long time. I can’t
remember the last time I felt alive.
JAY
I’ve known you a long time and I
can’t remember either.
MEL
What happened to me?
JAY
That’s the problem. Nothing
happened. You never take a chance.
You never take a risk. You play it
safe and nothing happens to you.
MEL
Until now.
JAY
Until now. And now looks pretty
good from where I’m sitting.
(Nell gives Jay a dirty look)
JAY (CONT.)
She’s a firecracker. Go talk to her.
MEL
But what if... I mean if she...
JAY
She kissed you, idiot. She likes
you. Go before I kick you in the balls.
MEL
What?
JAY
I will hurt you if you don’t go
talk to her.
MEL
Fine. Geez.
(Mel goes shyly over to Nell. He isn’t sure what to say)
NELL
Hi. I’m Nell.
MEL
Hi. I’m the guy you kissed... Mel.
NELL
That’s a cute name.
MEL
Really?
NELL
Adorable.
MEL
It’s short for Melvin.
NELL
Even cuter.
MEL
So... uh... why... uh...
NELL
Why did I kiss you?
(Mel laughs)
MEL
Yes.
NELL
Believe it or not, we ride this
subway a lot together. I watch
you... because there’s something
about you that’s different from
everyone... a sweetness about you.
You always give up your seat for
women. You even did for me once. If
someone forgets a coat or a bag,
you get it and chase after them. If
a woman is being bugged by some
creepy guy and they don’t like it,
you’ll interrupt and make sure the
woman safely gets to a taxi, even
if the woman doesn’t know you’re
doing it.
MEL
You saw all that?
NELL
Yup... I’m a stalker.
(Mel laughs)
MEL
A good one too. I never noticed.
NELL
I’m a ninja.
MEL
Ninja stalker. Good combination.
NELL
Thanks.
MEL
So that’s why you kissed me?
NELL
Well, in a way. But even though you
do all these nice, sweet things,
you always look so stressed and
unhappy. You look like you’re about
to have a heart attack at any
moment. I see the panic in your
eyes sometimes. I see the stress
overwhelming you.
MEL
I didn’t think anyone noticed.
NELL
Not even your friend it appears.
(Jay is checking out Lissy)
MEL
He has other things on his mind.
NELL
So I told myself, next time you
looked stressed and overwhelmed and
on the edge of a heart attack, I
was going to give you a great big kiss.
MEL
That’s crazy... and so very nice at
the same time.
NELL
Did you like it?
MEL
I really liked it. It might be the
nicest thing that’s ever happened
to me.
NELL
Really? That’s the sweetest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
(Nell gives Mel another huge kiss)
MEL
Wow.
NELL
A wow worthy kiss... I didn’t think
I was that good.
MEL
You are.
NELL
I really enjoy kissing you. I had a
feeling I would.
MEL
I’m so glad you kissed me.
NELL
I’m so glad you liked it.
MEL
The next car looks empty. Want to
go over there.
NELL
And do what?
MEL
Uh... well... I just... we can... talk.
NELL
Okay.
(Nell takes Mel by the hand and they exit to the next car.
Jay goes over to Lissy)
JAY
That was pretty wild huh? Her
kissing him like that.
LISSY
I thought maybe she was giving a
free sample or something.
JAY
You think she’s "working"?
LISSY
No, I think she is for real. I
believe her story. I’ve noticed him
too. He is a pretty neat guy. He
deserves to find someone who really
appreciates him for who he is. I
think we all noticed him but she
was the only one willing to say
anything. Women usually don’t make
the first move. And he’s a sweet
guy so he wouldn’t make his move.
So he was alone... until now. And
now he looks so happy. That... what
happened there... was way better
than this book. Trashy romances
novels try to give us the perfect
fantasy but that moment there was
way better because it was so much
more real. Give me five minutes of
seeing that over reading hours of
this junk.
JAY
So women usually don’t make the
first move huh? They want to be
pursued, don’t they?
LISSY
Out of everything I just said,
that’s all you got out of it.
JAY
Pretty much... so what do you say?
LISSY
Oh, why not.
(Lissy kisses Jay. They end the kiss and look disappointed)
LISSY (CONT.)
I’ve had better.
JAY
Me too.
(Jay goes back to his magazine and starts reading again.
Lissy returns to her novel)
END OF SCENE
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