SCENE 2 - I HATE BUFFETS
NELL
I hate buffets... Not for the
obvious like germs... Get your
fingers out of there! Yes I know
I’m not your momma.... Just do
it... That’s gross... Don’t you
dare lick your fingers.
Gross... Okay maybe it’s the germs too...
But here is my main problem. All
you can eat is way too much for
me... It’s too much for everyone.
Why do we need so many options? I
hate all these choices. And I
always feel like I make the wrong one.
I eat something and it sits like a
lump in my stomach... I try
another... Two lumps. Another...
It’s all terrible... Buffets don’t
give you more... Just a lot of bad
choices... I just want to find one
place... A great place with
something really good. One really
good thing I can count on to always
be good for me. So yummy I will
just eat it over and over again...
That one wonderful thing that
settles inside me...
(Burps or almost throws up...)
Not this... This torture... Eating
and eating bits of everything...
Tearing me up inside... It’s gonna
rip me apart.
END OF SCENE
SCENE 3 - LOVE AT THE INTERNATIONAL FUSION CAFE
(Waiters can be either gender and even be two actors doing
multiple costumes. Mario leads Mel and Nell to a table in
the restaurant)
MARIO
Welcome to the International Fusion
Cafe where we bring a tour of the
world to your taste buds. Have you
ever dined with us before?
MEL
I have. She hasn’t.
MARIO
Let me enlighten the señorita to
our ways.
NELL
This isn’t some weird cult you are
making me join is it?
MEL
You wanted unique. I am giving you
the unique-est.
MARIO
This is like a buffet but instead
of you getting your foods, we bring
the foods to you.
(He gets a plate)
MARIO (CONT.)
We will bring some food like so....
I call it "That’s a spicy
meatball!" And if you like it, we
serve it to you.
NELL
Interesting... Lay some meatballs
on me Mario.
MARIO
You sir?
MEL
Cows and I don’t get along. I will
pass.
MARIO
It may not be cows in the meatball.
I’m not sure.
NELL
You don’t know? I will pass too.
Don’t bother sending Luigi with any
mushrooms. I hate those too.
(Mario leaves in a huff)
MEL
Weird eh?
(Batman appears)
NELL
No, not at all.
BATMAN
Would the lady enjoy some fried bat
wings?
NELL
Ewwww... No.
MEL
They’re chicken wings...
(Batman gives him some)
MEL (cont’d)
At least I think so.
BATMAN
They taste like chicken.
NELL
Fine. I will nibble on a bat wing
or two. I can pretend I am Ozzy
Osborne.
MEL
They should call it the Ozzy
special.
NELL
I thought you didn’t like Ozzy...
MEL
Not really...
NELL
Why won’t you give my music a
chance?
MEL
Ozzy isn’t music. It’s noise.
NELL
Hey!
MEL
Just kidding... And besides, aren’t
you too young to like Ozzy?
NELL
I like the classics. The Doors,
Pink Floyd.
(Mel rolls his eyes)
NELL (cont’d)
Don’t roll your eyes at Pink Floyd.
I am trying your bizarre
restaurant.
(A mime passes through being pulled on an invisible rope.
Nell stands up)
NELL (CONT.)
You better try my music... Or I am
leaving.
MEL
Sit down. I will listen to your
music. I promise.
(Nell looks very pleased with herself and sits)
NELL
Good.
MEL
Why do you do that?
NELL
What?
MEL
Pretend to throw a fit to get your
way. I thought you were serious.
NELL
I was serious.
MEL
Was that really worth making a
scene about?
NELL
Maybe. It was fun.
MEL
For you maybe.
NELL
You need to lighten up. That’s my
mission in life. To lighten your
load.
MEL
You do actually.
NELL
Really?
MEL
Yeah.
NELL
Tell me about it.
MEL
Huh?
NELL
Share with me. Open up. Tell me
what you like about me.
MEL
Here? Now?
NELL
Now... Or the mime gets it.
(Points an imaginary weapon at mime as he approaches)
MEL
Crossbow! Nice.
(Mime lowers her imaginary weapon and holds out a covered
plate)
NELL
French food maybe?
(Mime nods and opens dish. It’s empty)
MEL
Oh good. Its their low calorie
menu.
(Mime does a silent laugh and gets a real plate)
NELL
French bread?
(Mime nods)
NELL (cont’d)
How clever.
(They both take some. Mel is looking at Nell in a dreamy
state)
NELL (cont’d)
Okay, what are you thinking?
(Mel gets embarrassed)
MEL
Oh no, I can’t.
NELL
If you want this relationship to
work I need some open and honest
communication.
MEL
What I was thinking would be a
little too open and honest.
NELL
Try me.
MEL
It’s embarrassing.
NELL
Tell me now!
(She points her imaginary crossbow at him)
MEL
Well... Umm... Mimes are from
France...
NELL
Uh huh.
MEL
And I was thinking you’d look nice
in something French.
NELL
This is good... Like what?
MEL
This is really embarrassing.
NELL
Come on... Please.
MEL
You’ll think I’m a pervert.
NELL
I know you’re a pervert - now tell
me!
MEL
I was thinking you’d look good
dressed as a French maid.
NELL
What?! Oh my!
MEL
I told you it was bad.
NELL
I’d do it.
MEL
Huh?
NELL
I would dress as a French maid for
you.
(Mel gets a little too excited)
MEL
You would! I mean... You would?
NELL
Maybe... If you say something nice
to me.
MEL
I think a lot of nice things...
NELL
Then say them to me.
MEL
I get shy.
NELL
I know and that’s so cute. Damn you.
MEL
Ok... Something nice. Here goes...
(Clown enters)
CLOWN
’Ello governor
(Mel jumps)
MEL
Ah! When did you guys get a clown?
CLOWN
I’m new.
NELL
You’re not very... Silly.
CLOWN
I am one of them sad clowns.
NELL
Sad indeed.
CLOWN
Quite.
MEL
Why are you British?
CLOWN
Cause clowns originated in England.
The first clown was portrayed by
Joseph Gronaldi in the early
1800s...
NELL
You clowns tell the funniest
stories.
MEL
You got any good to go with your
delightful history lesson?
CLOWN
Fish and chips.
NELL
Do the British eat anything else?
CLOWN
Not really ma’am, no.
(Clown leaves)
NELL
A very sad clown indeed... And
you’re not off the hook. Share some
feelings.... Now!
MEL
Ok... Uh... Well...
NELL
Oh never mind. Don’t hurt yourself.
MEL
I really want to... I really do...
You mean a lot to me and I want you
to know that. I mean I have never
been so happy in my life. You have
made everything so much better. I
look forward to every day I get to
be with you. I want to tell you all
that. I just can’t seem to do it.
NELL
You just did.
(She sits on his lap and gives him a hug and a kiss)
MEL
I am very happy now too.
NELL
I can tell.
MEL
How embarrassing.
NELL
Is that guy in the kilt serving haggis?
MEL
Haggis! Awesome. The national food
of Scotland. You’re Scottish aren’t
you? How come you never wear a kilt?
NELL
You’d like that huh? But that means
I would be a guy.
MEL
I wouldn’t like that.
NELL
I have always wanted to go to
Scotland. Wouldn’t that be a great
place for our honeymoon?
MEL
What?
NELL
Scotland... Travel... Fun.
MEL
No, the other part.
NELL
What? Me being a guy?
MEL
You said our honeymoon.
NELL
I did?
MEL
Yes.
NELL
No, I didn’t.
MEL
Little early to be talking about
honeymoons... We haven’t even
discussed weddings yet... Or
engagements.
NELL
Can we talk about something else?
MEL
Uh... Ok... I mean... I don’t mind
talking about it but if you don’t
want to.
NELL
I don’t.
(Silence. Mime comes by with food... He tries to get their
attention with invisible flowers but they are quiet and
ignore him. He tries harder but Nell takes his invisible
flowers he is playing with, wads then in to a ball and
throws them. He leaves in frustration)
NELL (cont’d)
I am curious though...
MEL
Yes?
NELL
Would you marry me?
MEL
Are you proposing?
NELL
What? No!
MEL
But you said "would you marry me?"
NELL
Stop putting words in my mouth.
MEL
I wouldn’t say no.
NELL
Really?
MEL
Really.
NELL
Oh.
MEL
Yeah.
NELL
Wanna go back to my place?
MEL
Yes.
NELL
Let’s go.
(Mime comes up and stops them and holds out an invisible
bill. Mel takes out an invisible check book. Writes the
check, rips it out and gives invisible check to mime. They
wave at him and they leave. He is sad and does a silent fit.
Nell returns and shoots him with her invisible cross bow.
Mime falls down dead)
MEL
If a tree falls in the forest and
falls on a mime, does anyone care?
NELL
That’s deep.
MEL
Quite.
NELL
So would you wear a kilt for me?
MEL
If you dress as a French maid.
(They laugh and exit. Batman goes up to the mime)
BATMAN
A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
END OF SCENE
OR
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