Comedy Scene for 5 Male Actors adapted from play Waiting on Trains

Here is a 5 actor version for 5 males of my plays called "Waiting on Trains" as requested by a director for her students. If I have time, I am always willing to adapt my plays for classroom use.

“WAITING ON TRAINS” by D. M. Larson

(version for 5 males)

(Lights come up on the waiting room of a train station.
VERN, sits at a ticket window R, reading a magazine
and chewing gum to the beat of a song on the radio.
A businessman, KIRK, works at his laptop computer.
He sits at the R end of long row of uncomfortable chairs
that are linked closely together. A janitor, JIM,
sweeps and cleans the waiting room.
There is an entrance L, a doorway UL,
and an exit to the trains DR. The voice of a
radio announcer comes over VERN's radio)

RADIO ANNOUNCER

And here's another hit that rocked the '90's as we continue our New Year's countdown.

(Song begins to play)

VERN

(Excited) Oh, I just love this song. (Sings along with the song, badly)

KIRK

(While he is singing) Uh, excuse me. (he ignores him and continues singing)
Excuse me...could you turn that down please... (VERN still sings) Excuse me!

(JIM stops his sweeping and goes to VERN)

JIM

Vern?

VERN

(Hearing JIM with no difficulty)

Yeah, Jim?

JIM

Guy over there's wonderin' if you'd turn down the radio.

VERN

Sure. (Turns it down) Sorry, mister.

KIRK

That's quite all right.

(He begins typing again)

JIM

Thanks.

VERN

Hey, no problem.

(he now begins singing again just as loud as ever
even though the radio has been turned down.
KIRK is about ready to skip the train and find a bus.
SAM enters immediately after VERN begins singing again.
SAM rushes up to VERN who stops singing.SAM is out of breath)

SAM

My train. To Seattle. Did I miss it?

VERN

Not that I know of.

SAM

(Annoyed)

Would you check for me please?

(VERN quickly lifts cover of a notepad and then drops it again. Returns to reading magazine)

VERN

It might be late.

SAM

Are you sure?

VERN

Pretty sure.

SAM

Could you be a little more certain?

VERN

About what? The train. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it'll be a train.

(VERN smiles at his joke)

SAM

(Not enjoying the joke) I mean about the time!

VERN

Don't get testy, dude.

(VERN stops reading magazine and looks at SAM. Blows and pops a bubble at SAM.
Glances at pad again)

VERN

They called in and said they'd be in at midnight. (Closes pad) Or it could come at 12:01.
It's hard to be "specific" about these things.

SAM

But that's 30 minutes from now!

VERN

Look. Do you want the train early or do you want it late?

SAM

I want it on time.

VERN

You weren't on time. Why should you expect the train to be?

SAM

Forget it! Just forget we had this whole conversation!

(Walks away)

VERN

Sounds good to me.

(SAM glares at VERN who has returned to reading magazine. SAM turns to sit.
Sees KIRK who is busily typing at his computer. He goes, still in a huff,
to the very opposite end of the row of chairs)

JIM

(Goes to VERN)

Vern. You know what the big guy said about customer courtesy.

VERN

I musta been gone that day.

JIM

You're gone every day. Please, try to be nice.

VERN

I'll be the model of kindness.

(JIM sighs and returns to cleaning. A phone rings in SAM's bag.
A poorly dressed gentleman, some might a bum, named RUT pops up
from where he has been sleeping on the upstage end of the row of chairs)

RUT

(Cries to sky)

Hello!

SAM

(Jumps up when he sees RUT)

What in heaven's name?!

RUT

(Ring)

Hello?!

SAM

(To VERN and JIM)

What's this bum doing in here?!

VERN

Sleepin'

RUT

(Ring)

Hello?!

SAM

Shouldn't he be removed?

VERN

What for? He ain't causin' no harm.

RUT

(Ring. Stands on chair, arms to sky)

Hello, God? Is that you?

SAM

Look at him. He's drunk.

VERN

Maybe we're the ones who's drunk and he's the only one who's sober.

SAM

(Gets phone)

Oh, you're just a regular philosopher. (To phone) Hello.

RUT

(Very intensely)

Hello, God.

SAM

(This and RUT's next dialog over lap)

Yes, yes. I'm sorry there's a lot of noise here.

RUT

(Overlapping)

Yes, what? What do you want me to do God?

SAM

(Hand over phone)

Will someone shut him up!

RUT

(Shocked)

Oh, please God. Please don't be angry with me. Please be easy on poor little Rut.

JIM

He thinks you're God.

VERN

`Bout time God had a little competition.

SAM

It's not funny.

RUT

I never said it was funny God.

SAM

(To RUT)

Look here you.

RUT

(Innocent, saintly pose to sky)

Yes, God.

SAM

Quit calling me God. And...will you look at me.

RUT

I am looking God.

SAM

No, not up there; down here.

RUT

(Gets down)

Where?

SAM

(Trying to get in front of him)

Over here.

RUT

(Under chairs)

Where are you God?

SAM

My name's Sam, not God.

RUT

(Shocked)

God's real name is Sam?

SAM

Will someone do something with him? I have an important call here.

RUT

(Stands on chair, to sky)

Please, don't be angry with me God...I mean, oh great Sam. Please don't cut me off.

SAM

(To JIM)

Do something with him or I'll complain to your boss.

JIM

Yes, sir.

(Goes to RUT)

Okay, Rut. That's enough for now. Let's go.

RUT

(As he steps down with JIM's help)

I think I lost my connection.

JIM

We know, Rut.

VERN

Rut lost it long before this.

JIM

(To RUT)

Come on. Let's get you some coffee.

RUT

(As they exit)

Funny. I always imagined that God's voice was a little more grand.

SAM

Thank God!

(Answers phone)

Hello, hello...She hung up.

VERN

Who's that? You're women.

SAM

(Mocking)

No, it's not my woman. It was a very important client who I may have just lost
because of that "thing" out there.

VERN

Chill out, dude. It's the holidays. Give it a rest.

SAM

I never rest. That's how I got where I am. Any and every minute of the day is open game
and I take advantage of it.

(Pause)

Why did I ever come to this little hick town? It's been more trouble than it was worth.

VERN

Hick town? It has at least a quarter million people.

SAM

Like I said, "hick town." Besides I thought we weren't talking anymore.

VERN

Honey. Someone didn't spank you enough as a child.

SAM

I'll be glad when I'm done with this place.

KIRK

(He saves his computer file)

Agreed.

SAM

What's that?

KIRK

I would agree that this trip has been a rather futile one.

SAM

You were at the meeting weren't you?

KIRK

That's right. Kirk King.

SAM

Yes, I remember now.

KIRK

And you're Sam.

SAM

Or God, depending who you're talking to.

KIRK

Huh? Oh, yes, the vagabond. Darn shame all that human potential going to waste.
If he'd merely apply himself...

VERN

Then he'd be like you and he'd be worse off than he is now.

KIRK

Look here Mister...

VERN

Name's Vern, dudue.

KIRK

Look here Mister Vern ...we pay you good money to work here...

VERN

The railroad pays me. Not you.

KIRK

Yes, but they get the money from me.

VERN

Not all of it.

KIRK

That's not the point.

VERN

Then what is the point, dude?

(KIRK is flustered and confused)

SAM

If you valued your job, you would show us a little more respect.

VERN

Hey, dude, they can't get no one else to do this shift. They ain't gonna drop me no time soon.

SAM

(Turns away)

This backward little town. I'm recommending we don't invest here.

VERN

Good, 'cause we don't want ya'.

SAM

I wasn't talking to you.

KIRK

They say this will be the hottest market next year.

SAM

I doubt it. Who'd want to base themselves here?
Between Mister Vern and the cows rollin' in all the time,
who'd have any time to do business?

KIRK

(Becoming cold)

I don't believe our employers would appreciate our conversation.

(Kirk returns to computer work)

SAM

(Glares at him)

Businessman to the end. (Phone rings) I hope that's Cynthia again.

VERN

(Suggestive tone of voice)

Who's Cynthia?

SAM

(Picks up phone. To VERN)

Shut up. (Answers, pausing appropriately) Hello? Hello, Cynthia.
Sorry about the hold earlier. Train stations are the magnets of the lowest life forms.
(Looks at VERN)
How's your party? Yes, sorry I wasn't able to make it.
I'd like to make up for it though. Dinner Thursday night.
My house. Yes, of course...yes, I'm in mixed company also.
(Whispers into phone) Me too... I'll see you later. (Hangs up)

VERN

I thought that was a business call.

SAM

(Feeling boastful)

It was.

VERN

What kind of business you running?

(SAM ignores VERN’s comments and changes the subject)

SAM

Any new info on the train?

VERN

Nope.

SAM

Have you checked?

VERN

Nope.

SAM

Well, are you going to?

VERN

Nope.

SAM

(Returns to chair)

Then there's no use asking.

VERN

Nope.

(SAM glares at him, then sits. SAM puts on a headset and begins meditating)

KIRK

(Computer's power is low)

Come on. (Hits it) My power's low! (To VERN) Do you have an outlet I could use?

VERN

Nope.

(JIM appears)

KIRK

(To JIM)

Quick. I need a charge!

RUT

(Pops up. Holds up a bottle)

Here. This'll charge ya' right up!

KIRK

(To JIM)

Hurry!

JIM

This way. To my office.

(JIM leads him to door UR)

RUT

Suit yourself.

(Drinks. To SAM)

What some, man?

SAM

What's he doing back in here?

VERN

He appears to be offering you a drink.

SAM

I thought the janitor threw him out.

VERN

Life's tough, isn't it?

RUT

Hey, good lookin'. Wanna share a little New Year's cheer? I got a lot right here.

SAM

Get away from me you disgusting brute.

RUT

(Begins to think, which is no small matter)

Ya' know. You sound kinda familiar.

SAM

(Stands. Crosses to VERN)

Will you shut him up?

RUT

(Profound realization)

You sound like God!

SAM

Heaven help us.

RUT

Wow. Imagine that.

(JIM reenters)

SAM

I thought you had him removed.

JIM

(To RUT)

You said you'd stay in the hall.

RUT

It's so lonely out there.

JIM

(Leads RUT out)

Come on.

SAM

Thank you.

VERN

When God talks, people listen.

END OF SCENE

Read more versions of Waiting on Trains at this link:
https://freedramaplays.blogspot.com/2017/11/waiting-on-trains-stage-play-script.html