Scene from the script "Rednecks vs Aliens" by D. M. Larson
(scene is for 4 actors and the full script is for 10 actors - 5 males 5 females)
JJ
Aliens! There’s Aliens!
JACOB
What are you talking about?
JJ
Aliens!
JACOB
I got that part… what about aliens?
JJ
They’re all over Seattle.
JACOB
Why are there aliens in Seattle?
JJ
They need the rain to keep their skin moist.
JACOB
How did we not notice an alien invasion?
JJ
No clue… They even hid their spaceship in plain sight.
JACOB
Where?
JJ
The Space Needle.
JACOB
No.. the Space Needle is really a spaceship?
JJ
Yuy- huh. I heard their secret plan. They’re using mind control with something they put in the coffee - SpaceLoot Coffee.
JACOB
Why would they reveal their secret plan in front of you?
JJ
They said I was the dumbest human they ever met. And just for fun they wanted to mess with my mind. They said no one would believe someone like me. What do they mean by that?
JACOB
JJ, they were just joking around.
JJ
No! This is real... very real.
JACOB
Maybe letting you stay in Seattle wasn't such a good idea.
JJ
That's what they'll be saying when I'm done with ‘em.
JACOB
So the Space Needle was built in the early 1960’s I think. How did we not notice aliens building it?
JJ
You city folk just let things happen and don't question oddities. Something out of the ordinary is ordinary to you all - you all like it weird.
JACOB
Hmmm... I'm surprised they didn't pick Portland then. That's their motto: keep it weird.
JJ
What year was SpaceLoot started?
JACOB
Let me see… says on their cup… 1971.
JJ
See! Space Needle in the 60’s. SpaceLoot coffee in 1971…
JACOB
You're scaring me, JJ.
JJ
I'm scared too.
JACOB
I'm not scared of the aliens. I'm scared of you.
JJ
Stop it!
(JJ knocks coffee cup out of JACOB’s hand)
JACOB
What did you do that for?!
JJ
They are mind controlling you with their coffee!
JACOB
Maybe it's time I took you back home.
JJ
No. I'm not leaving Seattle until I stop this alien threat. It's my duty as a red blooded ‘Mercan.
JACOB
And how do you propose that we defeat this alien incursion?
JJ
That's why I came to you. You’s smart. You got one of them fancy degrees. Let's put it to work, smarty boy.
JACOB
I'm not sure my MBA covered this sort of thing.
JJ
Then I’ll have to rely on my good old fashioned street smarts.
JACOB
Oh dear.
JJ
The aliens like rain. So we just have to find a way to make it stop raining.
JACOB
In Seattle? Good luck.
JJ
Maybe I could zap them with some kind of heat ray. There’s this professor guy who knows all kinds of stuff about aliens and Bigfoot and such. Maybe he can help. I call into his radio show all the time.
(JJ calls on on Jacob’s phone)
JJ
Hello? Professor Probe?
JACOB
Professor Probe?
JJ
I need help. There’s all these aliens in Seattle… Uh huh - you know about them too? Well, I found their headquarters. The SpaceLoot Coffee at Pikes Place Market. You wanna meet tomorrow? Sure... how about high noon? Cool… see you then Professor.
(JJ hangs up the phone and gives it back to JACOB)
JJ (CONT.)
Now we have help.
JACOB
Where’s he from?
JJ
Portland.
JACOB
I should have known.
(Knock at the door. They go to the window. JJ hides and JACOB waves)
JJ
It's them! They followed me.
JACOB
Oh, I know them. They are SpaceLoot distributors for the area. They are always bringing free samples to the bank.
JJ
I have to find a weapon. We have to defend ourselves!
(JJ exits)
JACOB
Don't do anything that will get us arrested.
(JACOB opens the door - two unusual looking women enter - one has blue hair and the other has green)
BLUE
Hello, Jacob.
GREEN
So nice to see you.
JACOB
Gretta and Bonnie. How are you?
BLUE
Wonderful.
GREEN
Fabulous.
BLUE
Another beautiful day in Seattle.
JACOB
If you like rain.
GREEN
Love it.
BLUE
Cherish it.
GREEN
Adore it.
JACOB
What brings you here?
(Hair drier is heard off stage. JJ rushes in with hair drier)
JJ
Die alien scum!
(Drier unplugs and JJ smiles embarrassed and exits again)
BLUE
We came to apologize to your friend, JJ.
GREEN
We played a joke on him.
BLUE
And he took it a little too seriously, I think.
JACOB
He is convinced you’re aliens.
(JJ rushes out with desk lamp or heater. It unplugs too. Fail. JJ runs away)
GREEN
Totally our fault.
BLUE
We were completely responsible.
GREEN
We thought it would be amusing.
BLUE
Hilarious.
GREEN
He was making moves on us.
BLUE
Flirting.
GREEN
Shamelessly hitting on us.
BLUE
So, we decided to get back at him.
GREEN
By scaring the pants off of him.
BLUE
It worked a little too well.
(JJ rushes in with a toaster. Jacob stops him)
JACOB
JJ, stop. They're here to apologize. They said it was a joke like I suspected.
JJ
No, it's real. I saw their eyes change.
BLUE
Contact lenses.
GREEN
See all gone. Totally normal now.
JJ
And I saw their sucker arm things. Just like in the picture on their coffee cup.
JACOB
What?
BLUE
I don't recall any suckers.
GREEN
Perhaps your friend is not well. I know what would make you feel all better.
BLUE
A cup of SpaceLoot coffee and a cup of our special SpaceLoot soup.
GREEN
You read my mind.
JJ
Ahhh! They're mind readers too. I ain't drinking any of your witch’s brew.
JACOB
JJ, they look nothing like aliens. They look totally human.
JJ
They look a bit like mermaids in their alien form like the ones on their cups. Look at the symbol.
JACOB
I thought it was a mermaid, but it does look rather alien now that I’m looking more closely at it.
(JJ picks up JACOB’s fallen cup and shows him. BLUE and Green laugh the same laugh)
BLUE
Silly boy.
GREEN
Mermaids.
BLUE
I'm flattered.
GREEN
Just call me Ariel.
JACOB
So what are they JJ? Aliens or mermaids?
JJ
Maybe both. Maybe all them mermaids sailors saw were aliens. And they found a way to make their way to land. But they need rain to keep their skin from drying up.
BLUE
What a lovely story.
GREEN
A fairy tale.
BLUE
Pure fantasy.
JACOB
I think your offer of coffee and soup sounds great. Let me get my coat and an umbrella and we’ll take you up on your offer.
GREEN
Fantastic.
BLUE
Terrific.
GREEN
Brilliant.
(JACOB exits. JJ looks at them nervously and slowly backs away. They follow. GREEN circles around behind and he bumps into her. BLUE grabs him)
BLUE
We warned you.
(BLUE spanks him and he spins around)
GREEN
But you didn't obey.
(GREEN pinches him)
BLUE
You must pay.
(They move in on him like sexy predators)
GREEN
For your disobedience.
(GREEN puts her hand over JJs mouth so he can't scream and they drag him out. Silence a moment and then JACOB enters)
JACOB
What the...? JJ? Where did they go?
END OF SCENE
