PROFESSOR WHAT
By D. M. Larson
(Scene 2 from the play “Blondes Prefer Gentlemen”)
7 CHARACTERS:
DEBBY, PROFESSOR, DOTTY, GRETTA, SYLVIA, HARVEY, SECURITY
Buy a low cost PDF of the scene at https://sellfy.com/p/UHvQ/
(PROFESSOR WHAT enters wearing a red fez, a multicolored scarf and
Converse shoes of two different colors. DEBBY enters in strange scifi /
medieval princess outfit)
Converse shoes of two different colors. DEBBY enters in strange scifi /
medieval princess outfit)
DEBBY: Is this the Professor What set?
PROFESSOR: Absobloodylootely.
DEBBY: What a minute, are you Professor What?
PROFESSOR: I am today and was yesterday, but maybe not tomorrow.
DEBBY: That’s one of your catch phrases, isn’t it?
PROFESSOR: Hard to say. I have so many. Doesn’t really feel like a catchphrase
if I’ve only said it once or twice, but it works on a shirt, so that’s all the matters really.
if I’ve only said it once or twice, but it works on a shirt, so that’s all the matters really.
(DOTTY rushes in carrying her costume)
DOTTY: Is this the Professor Why show set?
DEBBY: What.
DOTTY: I said, is this the Professor Why set?
(PROFESSOR WHAT laughs and exits)
DEBBY: No, it’s “What.”
DOTTY: What?
DEBBY: Yes.
DOTTY: Why?
DEBBY: I don’t know. It just is.
DOTTY: What?
DEBBY: Yes.
DOTTY: What are you talking about?
DEBBY: No, who am I talking about.
DOTTY: Who?
DEBBY: Yes.
DOTTY: What?
DEBBY: Right.
DOTTY: Whatever.
DEBBY: That’s one of his catchphrases.
DOTTY: Who?
DEBBY: Professor What.
DOTTY: Oh!
DEBBY: Get it?
DOTTY: Got it.
DEBBY: Good.
DOTTY: Where are we?
DEBBY: They’re about the shoot a scene with Gretta Griffin.
DOTTY: The famous child actress? She’s on this show?
DEBBY: She’s a guest star. She’ll be on a few episodes this coming season.
DOTTY: That’s so cool. I wondered what happened to her. I don’t think I’ve seen
her in anything as an adult.
her in anything as an adult.
DEBBY: Maybe she’ll be one of those child actors who actually makes it.
DOTTY: That must be so hard to get all that attention when you’re a kid and then
become yesterday’s news when you’re an adult.
become yesterday’s news when you’re an adult.
DEBBY: I hear it’s a pretty rough way to grow up.
DOTTY: It is still cool to be in a scene with her even though she’s not as famous now.
I wonder if she still looks the same.
I wonder if she still looks the same.
DEBBY: As when she was a kid? I hope not. That would be a weird looking adult.
DOTTY: Here she comes. She does look a little bit the same.
DEBBY: Yeah, kind of. Weird.
(GRETTA enters looking grumpy and annoyed followed by the director, HARVEY)
GRETTA: You all better be ready. I don’t want to be working on this scene all day.
(SYLVIA joins HARVEY and PROFESSOR WHAT readies himself for his entrance)
HARVEY: Here we go. Quiet on set everyone. Rolling. Action.
(GRETTA suddenly turns sad and vulnerable. She takes out a handheld recorder)
GRETTA: Why did you leave me here?! I didn’t ask for this. You drag me on some
adventure and then drop me off with no clue how to get back. That’s just great.
Wonderful! I’m so glad I was spontaneous and rushed off for something exciting
and mysterious. How could I be so stupid?! I didn’t even know you that well.
Sure, you were cute… and fun. And made me laugh. But I didn’t really know
anything about you. You offered me something I never had before though… freedom.
I was trapped in my life. I didn’t think there was ever a way out. It’s strange how
easily we get trapped in our lives.
adventure and then drop me off with no clue how to get back. That’s just great.
Wonderful! I’m so glad I was spontaneous and rushed off for something exciting
and mysterious. How could I be so stupid?! I didn’t even know you that well.
Sure, you were cute… and fun. And made me laugh. But I didn’t really know
anything about you. You offered me something I never had before though… freedom.
I was trapped in my life. I didn’t think there was ever a way out. It’s strange how
easily we get trapped in our lives.
GRETTA (CONT): You get things you want, but then you become a slave to those
things, having to make payments, having to keep them repaired, and then paying
more money to fix or replace them. Nothing is ever paid for. Or on those rare
occasions where you do pay something off, then it breaks soon after, or some
new flashy model comes along that you have to have. I guess that’s what you were.
You were some flashy new model that got my attention and offered me something
better. But that’s all you were… flash. Flash and no substance. You gave up on me
like everyone else. Gave up and left me here… alone… worse off than when I started.
Am I worse off though? You did show me some amazing things that I’d never seen.
I did feel more alive than I ever felt before. My old life left me feeling dead.
But you made me live… and live well… even if it was for a little while.
things, having to make payments, having to keep them repaired, and then paying
more money to fix or replace them. Nothing is ever paid for. Or on those rare
occasions where you do pay something off, then it breaks soon after, or some
new flashy model comes along that you have to have. I guess that’s what you were.
You were some flashy new model that got my attention and offered me something
better. But that’s all you were… flash. Flash and no substance. You gave up on me
like everyone else. Gave up and left me here… alone… worse off than when I started.
Am I worse off though? You did show me some amazing things that I’d never seen.
I did feel more alive than I ever felt before. My old life left me feeling dead.
But you made me live… and live well… even if it was for a little while.
(PROFESSOR WHAT rushes in)
GRETTA: There you are! Where have you been?!
PROFESSOR WHAT: Blimey! Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I came back for you.
GRETTA: I thought you left me.
PROFESSOR WHAT: I didn’t mean to scare you there. But I found myself looking
at various bits ‘n bobs and ended up lost some place I’d been before. And I was
puzzled, because I shouldn’t be lost, I knew the place. Yet, I didn’t know where to go.
That’s what happens when you travel through time and space. You get caught up
in the weirdest boobly doobly clocky wocky kind of stuff. What you got there, lass?
at various bits ‘n bobs and ended up lost some place I’d been before. And I was
puzzled, because I shouldn’t be lost, I knew the place. Yet, I didn’t know where to go.
That’s what happens when you travel through time and space. You get caught up
in the weirdest boobly doobly clocky wocky kind of stuff. What you got there, lass?
GRETTA: This? I was just making a recording… I was leaving you a message.
PROFESSOR WHAT: A message for me? What does it say?
GRETTA: It doesn’t matter. What matters is you and me and today. Where are we going next?
PROFESSOR WHAT: The question should be, when are we going next?
(PROFESSOR WHAT turns to the camera dramatically)
HARVEY: And cut. Fantastic. I smell a new catchphrase. “When are we going next?”
SYLVIA: Good one, eh?
HARVEY: I love it. Send that to advertising.
GRETTA: Please tell me I don’t have to do that scene again.
SYLVIA: That was brilliant. I loved it. You captured the words perfectly. Y
ou made me feel like I was reliving a moment in my life… the moment in my
life I was writing about… when I was young and foolish… and this dashing
young man caught my eye. He swept me off my feet and I don’t think I hit
solid ground for at least a year. But then he was gone.
ou made me feel like I was reliving a moment in my life… the moment in my
life I was writing about… when I was young and foolish… and this dashing
young man caught my eye. He swept me off my feet and I don’t think I hit
solid ground for at least a year. But then he was gone.
GRETTA: Whatever. I’m just doing my job. Hire a method actor if you want
someone to get all emotional about it.
someone to get all emotional about it.
SYLVIA: Oh, okay.
GRETTA: You can stop talking to me now.
(SYLVIA exits. GRETTA notices DOTTY and DEBBY and gets a sour look)
GRETTA: Are these the two aliens for the next scene?
HARVEY: Right.
DEBBY: It’s wonderful to meet you, Gretta.
(GRETTA ignores DEBBY and turns to HARVEY)
GRETTA: They’re too pretty.
DOTTY: Thank you.
GRETTA: It says in my contract that there are to be no distractions in my scenes.
DOTTY: Are we distractingly pretty? Wow.
DEBBY: I don’t think that’s good, Dotty.
HARVEY: I’ve already cast them. We’re shooting that scene next.
GRETTA: Pull some people from the crew or something. I’m not sharing my scene with them.
(GRETTA stomps out)
HARVEY: Sorry, ladies. I’m going to have to let you go.
DOTTY: Go? Where?
DEBBY: What? You’re firing us! Because we’re too pretty?
HARVEY: I just want to get this over with so I don’t have to deal with her anymore.
Sorry about that.
Sorry about that.
DEBBY: This was our big chance to get a speaking role. You know how hard we
worked for this? We must have done a million auditions before getting this.
We’re starving ourselves, struggling to make a living in this town, trying to get
a job like this, and you take it away, just like that. This was huge for us.
worked for this? We must have done a million auditions before getting this.
We’re starving ourselves, struggling to make a living in this town, trying to get
a job like this, and you take it away, just like that. This was huge for us.
HARVEY: You’ll still get paid. Just go, please, before she comes back.
DEBBY: It’s more than the pay. This was going to be our moment.
DOTTY: Let’s go, Debby. We’re still getting paid.
DEBBY: I demand satisfaction. I demand justice.
HARVEY: Security!
DEBBY: No! This isn’t right. Where’s the producer? I’m taking this to the top.
(SECURITY enters and drags DEBBY out. DOTTY stands frozen in confusion)
END OF SCENE
Buy a low cost PDF of the scene at https://sellfy.com/p/UHvQ/
from
“Blondes Prefer Gentlemen”
ISBN-13: 978-1985331877
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Art by Lalakachu https://www.instagram.com/lalakachu/
