THE SPACELOOT GIRLS
scene for 2 male actors
(JACOB is pacing, upset and confused.
There is a knock at the door. JACOB
rushes to open the door and it’s JJ)
scene for 2 male actors
(JACOB is pacing, upset and confused.
There is a knock at the door. JACOB
rushes to open the door and it’s JJ)
JACOB
JJ! What happened to you?
(JJ walks in dazed)
JJ
Well… I… uh…
(JJ chuckles)
JACOB
What’s wrong with you?
JJ
Them girls is crazy.
JACOB
The girls? The SpaceLoot girls?
JJ
Yeah.
JACOB
Where did you all go?
JJ
To the moon and back.
JACOB
JJ, you’re talking weird… weirder than usual.
JJ
Them girls did things to me… stranger things.
(JJ chuckles mysteriously)
JACOB
I have no clue what you’re talking about.
JJ
They took me somewhere real private… and gave me a tongue
lashing. I was being a naughty boy.
lashing. I was being a naughty boy.
JACOB
You get hit on the head or something? Or you’re drunk. Or both.
Let’s get you some coffee.
Let’s get you some coffee.
JJ
Yes, coffee! You have any SpaceLoot coffee? I want some.
I need some. It’s so good. Especially the way they had me
drink it.
I need some. It’s so good. Especially the way they had me
drink it.
(JJ giggles)
JACOB
You’re acting like they seduced you or something.
JJ
Coo-coo-ka-chu.
JACOB
Come on. Those two are way out of your league.
JJ
They didn’t think so.
JACOB
I thought you were afraid of them.
JJ
They showed me the errors of my ways. They taught this bad
boy a lesson.
boy a lesson.
JACOB
Maybe they are aliens. This is hard to believe.
JJ
They were just playing games with me. Turns out that was
some crazy ass foreplay.
some crazy ass foreplay.
JACOB
You are drunk aren’t you?
JJ
Drunk on love.
JACOB
I was starting to believe your crazy story, so I called in backup.
JJ
There ain’t no need of that. Them girls is okay. I checked
them out all over. They’re good. Real good.
them out all over. They’re good. Real good.
JACOB
You can tell Professor Probe all about it when he comes.
(JJ suddenly becomes frantic)
JJ
Oh, no. We can’t let him. He’s an alien hunter. We’z got to
get rid of him.
get rid of him.
JACOB
Take him over to meet the girls. They seem to have ways to
change men’s minds.
change men’s minds.
(JJ grabs JACOB)
JJ
No! They’re mine I tell you! All mine!
(JACOB gets JJ to let go)
JACOB
Take it easy, okay. Maybe you should get some rest. You
look like you haven’t slept.
look like you haven’t slept.
JJ
There was no time for sleeping.
(JJ chuckles)
JJ (CONT.)
But I’m more hungry than sleepy. We got any chow?
(JJ exits)
JACOB
I was pretty worried about you. I mean, this being your
first time in the big city, I didn’t know what might
happen to you. And you were acting so weird around those
SpaceLoot ladies. I wasn’t sure what to do. Professor Probe
called, so I told him about it and he sounded alarmed.
That got me even more worried, so I called your mom.
first time in the big city, I didn’t know what might
happen to you. And you were acting so weird around those
SpaceLoot ladies. I wasn’t sure what to do. Professor Probe
called, so I told him about it and he sounded alarmed.
That got me even more worried, so I called your mom.
(JJ rushes back in with a sandwich and a beer)
JJ
You called Mama?!
JACOB
She always seems to know where you are.
JJ
She’s the one I’m trying to get away from. That woman is
smothering me. She threw all kinds of fits when I said I
was coming to visit you. I’ve never been out of my hometown.
smothering me. She threw all kinds of fits when I said I
was coming to visit you. I’ve never been out of my hometown.
(JJ starts to tear up)
JACOB
JJ? Are you crying?
JJ
But I want to see the world and be my own man without my mama
telling me what to do all the time. I wanted to visit the
Space Needle and go to a tractor pull. Can you believe
I’ve never been to a tractor pull?
telling me what to do all the time. I wanted to visit the
Space Needle and go to a tractor pull. Can you believe
I’ve never been to a tractor pull?
JACOB
No. I can’t believe that.
JJ
I haven’t been to a monster truck rally either!
JACOB
You don’t have to share your deep, dark secrets like this.
(JJ wipes away the tears)
JJ
It breaks my heart knowing I’ve missed so much in life.
JACOB
Calm down and drink your beer.
(JJ lifts the beer and sniffs. He looks ill)
JJ
What is wrong with this beer? It smells terrible.
(JJ gives it to JACOB)
JACOB
It smells fine to me… as fine as beer can smell.
(JJ tries it again and nearly throws up. He gags)
JACOB (CONT.)
You okay?
JJ
Get the beer away from me.
JACOB
I never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth.
JJ
It’s making me want to puke.
JACOB
The smell?
JJ
Yes.
JACOB
What about your sandwich?
JJ
What about it?
JACOB
That smell doesn’t bother you? How much sauerkraut did you
put on there?
put on there?
JJ
A lot. I can’t get enough of it. We better go to the store
and get more.
and get more.
JACOB
There was a whole jar in there.
JJ
Not anymore.
JACOB
You ate the whole thing?
JJ
Drank the juice too. It tastes so good.
JACOB
I can’t believe you’re eating a sauerkraut sandwich. Maybe
we should take you to a doctor or something. Something isn’t right.
we should take you to a doctor or something. Something isn’t right.
JJ
You know what would be good with this sandwich? Ice cream.
Got some? Or some cookie dough?
Got some? Or some cookie dough?
(JJ exits)
JACOB
JJ, you’re going to make yourself sick. Stop eating so much.
JJ (Off)
Can you get this beer out of here? I can’t even look at it anymore.
JACOB
I’m going to take you to the ER. I’m worried.
(JJ enters with ice cream)
JJ
You said Professor Probe is coming. He’s a smart guy, right?
He’ll know what to do.
He’ll know what to do.
JACOB
I doubt it.
JJ
Besides, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve never been so
happy in my life. I’m in love with the two most beautiful
women in the universe.
happy in my life. I’m in love with the two most beautiful
women in the universe.
JACOB
You’re in love with both of them?
JJ
I can’t choose between them and they don’t make me.
JACOB
They’re okay with that?
JJ
They sure didn’t mind last night. Oh, man. What’s that smell?
JACOB
That’s the burger place downstairs. They opened up for lunch now.
You said you love that smell.
You said you love that smell.
JJ
It smells terrible. What are they cooking? A polecat? I’m gonna puke.
JACOB
Not on my carpet. Bathroom!
(JJ runs and exits to bathroom)
JACOB (CONT.)
I’m starting to wonder if those SpaceLoot ladies did something to him.
from the play
Rednecks vs Aliens
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