"Phone It In" Monologue for an Actress about an Actress

PHONE IT IN

By D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 2017 All Rights Reserved
Please do NOT repost the text of this script online
Contact doug@freedrama.net for permission to use the script.

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PART 1

(MELINDA is an actress entering a studio to do a voiceover for an animated movie. She is talking to a reporter on her cell phone as she enters)

MELINDA

I always have time for you, Jeanie. I am happy to speak to a reporter of your caliber. I mean it. You’re the best. Of course I don’t mind. I love promoting projects that I am working on and there’s nothing better than sharing this amazing animated feature I’m starring in. Very few people know that Snow White had a sister named Rose Red and this film introduces this amazing character to the world. She is fiesty, spunky and a woman for all little girls to look up to. I don’t think the world was ready for Rose Red until now. Finally women have reached the point where they can have a more progressive and independent woman like Rose Red as a role model. Snow White represents another time where women were to be seen and not heard. But Rose Red is heard. And she has something important to say.

(MELINDA sees someone motioning to her from the sound booth which behind the audience)

Looks like they need me to get to work. The producer has been amazing and incredibly supportive. What a pleasure to work with.

I better go, kiss, kiss.

PART 2

(Her mood shifts dramatically when she hangs up the phone. She looks at the script and throws it down)

What is this? The movie trailer?  Why I am doing the trailer before we even do the movie?

(Reads a little of the script)

“In a world…”

Really?  You’re starting with “In a world…”?  How original.  Fine. Yes, I’m ready. Say action or something.

(Reads the script)

“In a world of magic, a creature emerges from the depths of the earth, threatening to destroy it. Darkness comes to the land as a mysterious dwarf roams the forest and a prince suddenly disappears from the kingdom. But two sisters have the power to free the land and it’s people from the clutches of this evil. One is named Snow White and the other Rose Red.”

(Looks at sound booth)

So I’m not Snow White or Rose Red?  What am I? The ugly Dwarf creature who brings the darkness?  Oh, I’m an angel. How sweet. I think I’d rather be the dwarf.  I never get anything interesting anymore.

(Calls agent)

I thought I was the lead in this.  No, I’m some angel.  Fine, fine. Whatever.  I better not be getting a pay cut too.

(Hangs up)

Yes, I’m ready. Action.

(Reads script)

“This was once a peaceful land where human and beast lived in harmony.”

(Looks at sound booth where someone has said something to her)

What? Not angelic enough for you? Take what you can get okay. Audiences could care less what I sound like. They just want to see my name on the poster. They probably won’t even know which character I am.  

Look. I didn’t ask to do this, but I need the money, and you need the star power.  I’m the most famous person in this cast. I may have only been 4 years old when my show was a hit but I was loved all over the world. People adored me. They named their little girls after me.

(Sighs. She is fighting back angry tears)

You made me the way I am. You chewed me up and used up my cuteness until there was nothing left but bitterness inside.

(Angry)

I hate all of you!

(Sighs. Calms down)

And I hate myself.

(Nods. Breathes deep and out to calm down)

Yes, I’m done. Let’s finish this. I want to get out of here before the stores close. I am in need of some serious shopping therapy after this.

PART 3

(Reads script)

“This was once a peaceful land where human and beast lived in harmony. Nature put its trust in humanity to care for the land and take only what was needed. Caretakers not takers. Givers as well as receivers. Finding balance. But a new threat emerged from deep within the Earth. These dark creatures tunneled through the ground and carved out treasures.  They hunted for all that glittered and sparkled in the darkness. These greedy creatures are known to many as the dwarves. Once there were a few scattered groups, but now they overran the forest, digging holes and hoarding their treasures in caves, tearing up the Earth and giving nothing in return. Perhaps there is another way. If a warrior can not stop this dwarven threat, then other means must be found. I will seek out good to fight the evil.  Kindness to undo this greed.”

(sighs)

No I'm not doing it again. I nailed it. I'm not getting paid enough to let you play director. You’ve done how many films? Two? You know how many I've done? More than two that's for sure. And I'm like half your age.

Where's he going? Did I hurt his feelings? Poor guy. Maybe he should have brought his big boy feelings to the studio today.

(Phone rings)

Hello, Donna. No I'm not doing anything important. Just sitting in this back alley recording studio getting animated. I'm nailing it. Perfect on the first take.

(Annoyed)

The director called you? What did that wonderful man say to you?

(Angry)

What?! He can't fire me! He needs me. This cartoon needs me. It's nothing without my name on it!

(Pause. Breathes.)

Yes I'm calm. What do you mean this was my last chance? Last chance for what?

Can we talk about this later? They’re staring at me.

Bye bye kiss kiss.

(Smiles)

So where were we? Can I do that line again? Maybe I could try something a little different. Maybe I could do an accent? Isn't this fairy tale German or something? Let me try it with a German accent….

(Does line again with German accent)

“This was once a peaceful land where human and beast lived in harmony.”

Sure. Laugh. It was funny huh? Maybe a little more comedy is what this cartoon needs.

Why is everyone leaving? We’re not done are we? I have a bunch more lines. I’ll do them a hundred different ways if you want. Please!

They're gone. I'm alone. I’m talking to myself. Do I always talk to myself? I always assume someone is listening. Anyone listening? Anyone? Hello?

It’s just me.

(She tries calling someone but they don’t answer. She packs up her stuff, stands, looks at the studio, sighs and exits quietly)

END OF MONOLOGUE

Copyright (c) 2017 All Rights Reserved
Please do NOT repost the text of this script online


Purchase a low cost PDF of this script at https://sellfy.com/p/rT36/

from the published play

“Blondes Prefer Gentlemen”

ISBN-13: 978-1985331877

Book:

http://amzn.to/2sp8Yyf 

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Hysterical History of Cleopatra Scene 1 free stage play script

The Hysterical History of Cleopatra

By D. M. Larson

***

Copyright (c) 2017

All Rights Reserved*

*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online

Purchase a low cost PDF of this script at Sellfy.com 

***

CAST OF CHARACTERS

9 or more actors

(as few as 7 with doubling)

2-4 females and 4-6 of any gender

(in order of appearance)

SHU - head of marketing

BABI* - marketing assistant

GEB* - marketing assistant

NUT - marketing assistant that loves snakes

SIRI - Information specialist who wears something like a mysterious cloak with an Apple symbol. She does not like Alexa.

ALEXA - Information specialist who can have an Amazon symbol on her cloak or have an Amazonian look to her. She does not like Siri.

CLEOPATRA** - the Queen of Egypt - need I say more?

SERVANT** - Cleopatra’s administrative assistant

*SIRI’s actor can play CLEOPATRA and ALEXA can play SERVANT if needed - if they double SIRI can have a wig, hood or mask that hides her face so we can easily become CLEOPATRA in the next scene)

BABI and GEB’s lines can be divided up between other actors if more are available

(This is an interactive play with audience participation. Before the play begins, some of the actors should practice the following with the audience.  NUT is the chant leader but others in the cast can help. If extra actors are available, you can have someone appear with a sign with the audience phrases in bold)

When NUT cues you with “Cleopatra” say - “All hail Cleopatra!”

When NUT gets excited about snakes, go “Hiss!”

When Alexander the Great is mentioned say, “He’s grrreat!”

When you hear “Little Caesar” say “Pizza! Pizza!”

SCENE 1

SHU

Thank you all for coming. We have a major PR problem here. The Ptolemy family is a royal pain in the Nile and we have to do something about it.

BABI

How we long for the days of Alexander the Great.

AUDIENCE

He’s grrreat!

SHU

Things were great then.

GEB

The Ptolemies had to go and ruin it all. They are a bunch of greedy, self-centered rulers with no concern for the common people.

NUT

What ruler has ever cared about the people?

GEB

Siri? Were any of the pharaohs good to the people?

SIRI

Ramesses II is considered the most successful Pharaoh in Egyptian history making Egypt very rich and prosperous.

BABI

How about you, Alexa? Can you top that?

ALEXA

Queen Hatshepsut achieved a peaceful rule over a prosperous Egypt for over 20 years and created many public works programs that benefited the people.

SHU

The people are very restless under Ptolemy rule. Perhaps it is time for a queen again.

GEB

A queen? Really?

SHU

Indeed. At long last, I believe we have a Ptolemy we can get behind. Her name is… Cleopatra.

(NUT and other cast members get the audience to cheer)

AUDIENCE

All hail Cleopatra!

SIRI

Cleopatra has been joint ruler with her father Ptolemy XII Auletes and then with her brothers Ptolemy XIII and XIV.

BABI

The guys keep dying though.

GEB

They were holding Cleopatra back.

BABI

Why support any of the Ptolemies? They are proud Greeks and refuse to even learn the Egyptian language.

ALEXA

Cleopatra is fluent in Egyptian and Greek as well as 7 other languages. She is the first Ptolemy to learn our language.

SIRI

She says she is the reincarnation of the Egyptian goddess Isis.

BABI

Is that true?

ALEXA

Isis is the goddess of health, marriage and wisdom…

---

---

SHU

Never mind, Alexa. The important thing is that we finally have a Queen we can support. And we need to make this work. With the Roman armies growing in power, we have to make ourselves strong again or we’ll be overrun.

SIRI

The Roman armies are led by Julius Caesar.

ALEXA

He wishes to reunite the lands once ruled by Alexander the Great.

AUDIENCE

He’s grrreat.

SHU

Without a united Egypt under a strong ruler, I’m afraid Rome will conquer us. So I have gathered all of you here to develop a PR campaign to get the people behind our Queen.

BABI

Let’s start with a branding campaign. We’ll come up with a new slogan and a cool logo.

NUT

What about something with snakes?

AUDIENCE

Hisssss!

NUT

I love snakes.

BABI

No snakes.

GEB

We can do something with the whole Isis angle. Let’s play up the whole Egyptian goddess reincarnation idea.

BABI

I’ll write some speeches in Egyptian that she can address to the people.

SHU

I’ll schedule some rallies around Egypt. We’ll want to get her out with the people.

GEB

Parades! We must have a grand parade all around Egypt. She’ll arrive at every major city in style.

BABI

And we’ll end with a river cruise back down the Nile to Alexandria.

SIRI

One of Cleopatra’s favorite places there is the Royal Library of Alexandria which is one of the most important libraries in the world where many famous scholars have studied.

SHU

We can end the tour at the library and solidify her image as a wise ruler who will guide her nation with intelligence. Let’s go to work, people.

SIRI

Most of the books in the library are written on papyrus scrolls made from the papyrus plant.

ALEXA

The library was created by Ptolemy I and contains an estimated 400,000 scrolls and books.

SIRI

Ptolemy I is said to be a descendant of Heracles.

ALEXA

Alexandria is named in honor of Alexander the Great.

AUDIENCE

He’s grrrreat!

NUT

Will you two give it a rest?

END OF SCENE

GO TO PART 2

or

Purchase a low cost PDF of this script at Sellfy.com 

***

Copyright (c) 2017

All Rights Reserved*

*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online

***

Find free School Plays with Low Cost PDF on Freedrama.net

Hysterical History of Cleopatra Scene 2 free stage play script

Hysterical History of Cleopatra

by D. M. Larson

SCENE 2

***

Copyright (c) 2017

All Rights Reserved*

*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online

Purchase a low cost PDF of this script at Sellfy.com 

***

If necessary, practice again with audience for upcoming cheers:

All hail Cleopatra

Hiss!

He’s grrreat!

SCENE 2

SHU

The tour was a huge success.  Thank you all for all your support on this wonderful achievement. Cleopatra has the entire country talking. She is Egypt's new sweetheart.

GEB

They are carving her name on everything.

BABI

You should see all the statues they’re making.

NUT

We should make shirts with her picture on them.

GEB

No one would ever wear a shirt with a picture of someone on it.

NUT

It seems like something everyone would love shirts like that.

BABI

That will never catch on.

NUT

It would be so much easier than carrying around a statue.

SHU

I have some exciting news. Cleopatra herself is coming to thank all of you for your hard work.

BABI

Really?  This is so exciting. I wish you had told us sooner. I want to look my best for her.

GEB

Actually you don’t want to look nicer than her. She doesn’t like it.

BABI

How can you look nicer than her?  She’s so beautiful.

SHU

Because we were so successful with our last campaign, she is going to ask us to help with a new task.  

BABI

Another challenge.  I’m ready.

NUT

I don’t know if I am. I’m a little worn out from the last one.

GEB

I am honored to work for her again.

NUT

You would be.

GEB

What is that supposed to mean?

NUT

I saw the way you followed Cleopatra around everywhere during our last campaign. That was embarrassing.

GEB

That’s what we were supposed to do! Where were you?

NUT

I was busy… thinking.

GEB

That does take you a bit longer than the rest of us.

SHU

Focus, people. Our next task will not be an easy one.

BABI

What is it?  Can you give us a little hint?

SHU

I believe it has something to do with Rome.

GEB

Oh dear. That’s not good.

BABI

I hear Julius Caesar will be visiting.

NUT

Or invading.

SHU

Now let’s not the rumors get the best of us.

GEB

Here she comes!

(Everyone scrambles to get in position to greet CLEOPATRA - CLEOPATRA enters with one or more SERVANTS)

ALL

All hail Cleopatra!

(AUDIENCE TOO)

(GEB goes to kiss CLEOPATRA’S hand but SERVANT blocks the way)

CLEOPATRA

Thank you good people for all your amazing work on the tour of Egypt. It was a blessing to connect with my people in such a personal way.

SHU

The honor was ours.

CLEOPATRA

Now I have a much bigger challenge for all of you. As you may have heard, the Roman Emperor, Julius Caesar, is coming to Egypt. He brings an army… (dramatic pause as everyone looks at each other nervously) ...but I do not wish to have a war. I want to speak to Caesar alone but his generals will not allow a private meeting. But I am a much better negotiator one-on-one. I have a way with words that works better in more intimate settings. So my task for all of you is to find a way for me to be alone with Caesar so he can appreciate the full depth of my negotiation skills.

SHU

We will do our best to find a way to make this happen for you.

CLEOPATRA

Do not fail me good people. You must find a way. Egypt’s fate rests on this meeting. Rome and Egypt must stay at peace for the good of our people. War will only hurt us and destroy all the good we’ve done for Egypt.

(CLEOPATRA leaves with SERVANT)

ALL with AUDIENCE

All hail Cleopatra.

BABI

Rome is bringing an army?

GEB

This is terrible.

SHU

Let’s not panic, people. We have a mission. We have to find a way to get Cleopatra alone with Caesar.

NUT

What if we get some snakes…

AUDIENCE

Hisss!

GEB

What is it with you and snakes?

(NUT pouts and exits)

SHU

I’m looking at Caesar’s schedule during his visit… He has some alone time on the second evening in his quarters.

BABI

We can have her waiting for him.

SHU

It will be guarded. His soldiers will not allow it.

GEB

We can sneak her in somehow.

BABI

She can hide in something.

GEB

What would be big enough?

(NUT enters with a carpet)

BABI

A carpet!

GEB

Let’s try.

(They roll out the carpet)

BABI

Lie down.

(They stick NUT inside)

GEB

Roll it up.

(They roll NUT up inside)

SET

Perfect.

GEB

Then her servants can roll her out dramatically like this.

(They roll out carpet and NUT lands in a weird position)

BABI

I imagine she’ll come out of there much more gracefully than that.

NUT

Ow.

GEB

Let’s try again.

(They put NUT back in)

SHU

I think this will work. Excellent work people. Let’s go share this with Cleopatra.

(They all exit - NUT is still in the carpet)

NUT

Hey? Anybody there? Hey!

(They rush back in and roll out NUT who tries to come out more gracefully this time)

END OF SCENE

GO TO PART 3

or

Purchase a low cost PDF of this script at Sellfy.com 

***

Copyright (c) 2017

All Rights Reserved*

*Please do NOT repost the text of this play online

***