WvP Witches vs Princesses
by D. M. Larson
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(NARRATOR tries taking again... he goes to AUTHOR and begs silently)
AUTHOR
Where have you been?
(NARRATOR can't speak)
AUTHOR
Fine... here you go.
(AUTHOR holds out paper)
NARRATOR
Oh, thank you, thank you. I will never doubt you or insult you or borrow your horse ever again.
AUTHOR
You borrowed my horse?!
NARRATOR
Did I say that? I was just joking.
AUTHOR
Never joke about a man's horse.
NARRATOR
Fine. No more horsing around.
AUTHOR
I must admit. This story is badly in need of a narrator.
NARRATOR
Is everyone getting confused?
AUTHOR
I think so. I believe I've lost them. Look at that person over there. Asleep!
NARRATOR
Not anymore.
AUTHOR
This is terrible. And that person in the back. Look at their confused look…
NARRATOR
The classic blank stare.
AUTHOR
Let's go back there and explain the story to them.
NARRATOR
Prepare to be dazzled in the back row.
(AUTHOR and NARRATOR exit through the audience. An angry mob is led by the BERTHA, followed by FLIM, FLAM and the 3 Princesses who are itching like crazy)
TREE
None shall pass!
BERTHA
We're an angry mob and we demand to see the witch.
TREE
They don't look that angry.
BERTHA
Come on people - look angry - look mean.
(They sort of try but fail)
BERTHA
We'll burn you down if you don't let us through.
TREE
I don't see any torches.
BERTHA
Who was supposed to bring the torches?
(Flim and Flam point at each other)
PRINCESS KAY
I have a little mirror - I could shine a moonbeam at it.
PRINCESS BEE
Chop it down!
PRINCESS DEE
I will go find a flock of woodpeckers!
(PRINCESS DEE makes weird bird sounds. KATE rushes in)
KATE
Please everyone - be reasonable - you don't need to resort to violence.
BERTHA
That's the only fun way though.
FLIM AND FLAM
Fun! fun! fun!
(They push KATE around)
KATE
No, I will not let you hurt this tree - it's an ancient and magical tree - it is home to the rare little dancing fairies. Without these trees how will they live?
PRINCESS KAY
Little fairies!
PRINCESS BEE
I want one!
PRINCESS DEE
How much do they cost?
TREE
They're not for sale.
PRINCESS KAY
Come on. Everyone has a price.
TREE
Not me. I'm a tree. I have use for money.
BERTHA
Pay me to catch one for you.
PRINCESS BEE
Ok.
KATE
Never!
(KATE stands up to BERTHA)
BERTHA
Get her.
(FLIM and FLAM go after KATE - she does some karate chops and knocks them out - BERTHA tries next and KATE does the same)
TREE
Well done Kate the Great.
KATE
Thank you. I had to do something. I couldn't let them hurt those cute little fairies.
(Little fairies do a little dance for her and give her a gift)
TREE
Wow, you didn't even have to tell any jokes to get them to dance.
KATE
Jokes?
(WITCHY comes out)
WITCHY
You tell jokes to get past the tree.
PRINCESS KAY
I know a good one... Here's a Frozen joke... What would you get if you crossed Elsa with a vampire? ...Frost bite!
PRINCESS BEE
I know a better one. Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player? ...She had a pumpkin for a coach!
PRINCESS DEE
I have the best one of all. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team? ...She always ran away from the ball!
(TREE laughs - fairies come out to do a dance but see it is the Princesses and stick out their tongues instead and exit)
WITCHY
There's the way in... Head right over to the complaint department... Up up up you lazy bums.
(She gets BERTHA, Flim and Flam up. KATE gets in a karate stance and they run)
WITCHY
The complaint department is the thing that looks like a cage... Yes right through there.
KATE
A cage? What are you up to witch?
WITCHY
That's for me to know and you never to find out.
(WITCHY leaves. NARRATOR enters)
NARRATOR
Little does Kate the Great know but the witch has captured them for the contest.
KATE
She has! Oh no!
NARRATOR
Wait, she's not supposed to hear me.
KATE
Hear you say what?
NARRATOR
What's going on here?
AUTHOR
Are you complaining how I am writing his again?
NARRATOR
But she is not so supposed to hear me - there are rules.
AUTHOR
How else is she supposed to find out about the witch contest and how the witch queen Gwyndolin is going to eat all the people the witches capture.
KATE
The witch queen! That's terrible. I have to stop those witches!
NARRATOR
I guess she can hear it right from the Author.
AUTHOR
I guess so.
NARRATOR
Suddenly... the narrator found herself in Hawaii!
AUTHOR
It doesn't say that.
NARRATOR
It was worth a try.
AUTHOR
As our story draws to an end…
NARRATOR
It can't be over already.
AUTHOR
I'm afraid so.
NARRATOR
Make it longer... please…
AUTHOR
The best you can hope for is a sequel.
NARRATOR
I could live with that.
AUTHOR
On with the show!
(Hands over paper. AUTHOR exits)
NARRATOR
"The people of fairy tale land have been captured by those witches three. They are caged like animals and may never be free. As the witch Queen approaches, they wonder what to do. But their hopes were fading fast and their spirits too." Hey! It's like a poem.
(AUTHOR returns with some ice cream)
AUTHOR
I know... pretty good huh?
(KATE enters and poses)
NARRATOR
"But all is not lost because Kate the Great is here. She has a plan and will face them without fear."
KATE
I will? What's the plan?
AUTHOR
I haven't written that part yet.
KATE
Well, hurry up and write it. These people are in trouble.
AUTHOR
Ow!
KATE
What's wrong?
AUTHOR
Writer's block... ow! It happens whenever I eat ice cream that's too cold.
NARRATOR
I thought that was brain freeze?
AUTHOR
Ow! Can't write…
NARRATOR
We have to do something.
KATE
Come with me. There's this dragon around the corner. We'll get him to defrost his head.
AUTHOR
Dragon? No... oh... ow!
(KATE and AUTHOR exit)
NARRATOR
Well... uh... hi... I guess while we wait for an ending to be written, we can see what's going on over at the cages where the witches have captured everyone for Queen Gwyndolin's contest. All the captives have been numbered for the final count. Who will win the One Trick Pony and one magical wish?
(All the captives come out with numbers on them. Queen GWYNDOLIN checks them out… WITCHILDA takes a number away from WITCHY's group and puts it on herself - GWYNDOLIN counts her)
GWYNDOLIN
And the winner is... my own special girl... daughter and future queen... WITCHILDA!
WITCHILDA
Oh yeah!
(WITCHILDA does a dance of joy. Queen GWYNDOLIN holds up a little statue of a pony or a stuffed animal pony)
GWYNDOLIN
Here is the one trick pony. What do you wish for?
WITCHILDA
A trip to Hawaii!
GWYNDOLIN
So be it!
(GWYNDOLIN holds out an airline ticket and puts flowers around her neck)
WITCHILDA
Thank you, mommy.
(WITCHILDA goes. NARRATOR can chase after her and say "Wait for me" - WITCHY and Carey POTTER get mad and stomp off)
GWYNDOLIN
Now the real fun begins. Let's play the Hungry Games! Everyone here has a number on them. I will spin the giant wheel and see who gets eaten first. Will we have some Red Riding Food?
RED
Where's the Big Bad Wolf when I need him?!
GWYNDOLIN
Or perhaps a mermaid fish dish.
(Mermaid is in her fish tail form again)
MERMAID
There's something fishy going on here.
RED
Yeah, she's gonna eat us you bubble head.
GWYNDOLIN
Maybe some Princess Split Pea Soup?
PRINCESS PEA
I do really like soup. Sounds yummy.
GWYNDOLIN
Poor Princess Pea... always eating what you shouldn't.
RED
You're one to talk.
PRINCESS PEA
So we eating or not?
RED
Yes, she's having you for dinner.
PRINCESS PEA
Oh goody.
GWYNDOLIN
Or maybe I'm in the mood for some Yo Ho Gurt.
NO BEARD
If you wanna set sail for me fist, you can try.
SILVER
You'll never take me alive!
GWYNDOLIN
I can cook you dead or alive.
NO BEARD and SILVER
Yo ho... no.
NO BEARD
That's okay. We're not hungry.
GWYNDOLIN
But I am my dear... quite hungry. Let's spin the wheel.
(Whatever number comes up, someone takes it off of themselves and puts it on PRINCESS PEA)
PRINCESS PEA
Oh goody... I have that number. Am I the winner?
RED
Yes, Princess. You're the big winner. Bon appetite!
PRINCESS PEA
I hope she has cake. I love cake.
NO BEARD
Please! Somebody stop her!
PRINCESS PEA
But cake is so good.
SILVER
Not you... her. Queen Gwyndolin.
(KATE enters)
KATE
I will stop her!
(All the prisoners yell Hurray!)
PRINCESS BEE
What you going to do?
KATE
There is one thing that can stop a witch.
PRINCESS DEE
A bucket of water?
PRINCESS KAY
A house falling on her?
PRINCESS BEE
Deodorant?
KATE
A random act of kindness.
(KATE pulls out some flowers and starts giving them to everyone. She gets to the BERTHA and gives her a flower with a nervous smile)
BERTHA
Even me?
KATE
Especially you.
FLIM AND FLAM
Flowers, flowers, flowers.
(KATE gives them flowers too)
KATE
How about some hugs too?
(KATE hugs one of the witches)
WITCHY
A hug is kind of nice - can I have a flower too?
GWYNDOLIN
Stop! What are you doing?! I can't stand all this... nicey-nice stuff you're doing. I hate flowers. No... no... this is too good. So terribly good. It makes me sick... sick, sick, sick! Oh my stomach... you gave me a tummy ache with all that do-gooder, kindness crap! I lost my appetite. Happy?! Thanks for making me lose my lunch.
ALL
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray for Kate the Great!
RED
So you're not going to eat us?
PRINCESS PEA
And there's no cake?
MERMAID
Will you please set us free?
GWYNDOLIN
How about a dance off? I do love dancing.
RED
A dance off?
GWYNDOLIN
The group that does the best dance gets to go free. The ones who do the worst dance will be eaten.
NO BEARD
We are good dancers.
SILVER
Sounds like a good deal to me.
MERMAID
If only I had my legs, I could dazzle them with my dance moves.
(GWYNDOLIN waves her hand)
GWYNDOLIN
Dance mermaid. Dance!
MERMAID
That's what I'm talking about!
RED
Let's dance.
(One group does a dance. GWYNDOLIN gets pushed around and trampled by them. Then another group does a dance and GWYNDOLIN is trampled again. Then another group does a dance and tramples her)
PRINCESS PEA
So who won?
MERMAID
What happened to the witch?
RED
I think we trampled her during our dance.
NO BEARD
We swabbed the deck with her.
SILVER
I guess that means we all go free!
ALL
Hurray!
(AUTHOR and NARRATOR enter)
AUTHOR
How's that for an ending?
NARRATOR
It's no War and Peace but it will do.
AUTHOR
Have you ever read War and Peace?
NARRATOR
Who hasn't?
AUTHOR
Anywho... I believe that ends our tale.
NARRATOR
And in this story we did not fail,
AUTHOR
To teach you a thing or two.
NARRATOR
About what you should or shouldn't do.
AUTHOR
Greed makes you blind to tricks and traps.
NARRATOR
And gets you cages like some kind of rats.
AUTHOR
And a random act of kindness wins in the end.
NARRATOR
And now friendships are on the mend.
AUTHOR
Chose not selfish things or anything gory.
NARRATOR
Instead go in peace and remember this story.
END OF PLAY
WvP Act 1 Scene 1
WvP Act 1 Scene 2
WvP Act 1 Scene 3
WvP Act 2 Scene 1
WvP Act 2 Scene 2
WvP Act 2 Scene 3
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