WvP Witches vs Princesses by D. M. Larson
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(Queen Gwyndolin enters. WITCHILDA enters angrily)
WITCHILDA
Mother. Why did you bother with this stupid contest?
GWYNDOLIN
To teach you a lesson, my dear.
WITCHILDA
Lesson? What lesson?
GWYNDOLIN
That just because you're the daughter of the Witch Queen doesn't mean that you're going to have everything handed to you.
WITCHILDA
Why not?
GWYNDOLIN
Because you become a spoiled brat.
WITCHILDA
I thought that was a good thing for a witch to be.
GWYNDOLIN
A spoiled brat is far worse than any witch. They are evil creatures who have lost their souls and become slaves to their desires.
WITCHILDA
And how does that make witches any different?
GWYNDOLIN
A witch likes to have a good time. It's all fun and games for us.
WITCHILDA
It is fun being a witch. So what are you going to do with all the people we capture?
GWYNDOLIN
Eat them.
WITCHILDA
Oh, that is fun. But this contest is taking too long. Can't we just skip to the fun part?
GWYNDOLIN
Sorry, dear. I like to play with my food first.
WITCHILDA
You're so... weird.
GWYNDOLIN
Thank you, dear. Now off you go. Find me some plump ones.
(Queen Gwyndolin exits)
WITCHILDA
How about some plump snails instead.
(WITCHILDA sets up a sign that says "Magic Cures.")
WITCHILDA (CONT.)
Step right up - get your magic cures here - cost you only one snail! (to audience) I love snails - escargot is heavenly - yummy to my tummy. People taste funny. I have no clue how she can eat them.
PRINCESS PEA
I have a problem.
WITCHILDA
I can see that - I think I have something for those ears.
PRINCESS PEA
What's wrong with my ears?
WITCHILDA
Oh nothing - what can I help you with?
PRINCESS PEA
I can't sleep - I need my beauty rest.
WITCHILDA
I'll say.
PRINCESS PEA
What?
WITCHILDA
Nothing - I have just what you need - a magic pea - just put it under your mattress and you'll sleep like log.
PRINCESS PEA
Perfect!
WITCHILDA
Sweet dreams.
(PRINCESS PEA leaves)
WITCHILDA
Step right up - got your cures, got your fixes, help from your favorite witches.
(RED RIDING HOOD enters)
RED
I need some help.
WITCHILDA
What ails ya?
RED
Well there's this guy…
WITCHILDA
Always a man... Love potion?
RED
No! I want him to leave me alone.
WITCHILDA
So he needs a love option to use on you?
RED
No! I need guy spray or guy repellent or guy off or some such thing.
WITCHILDA
Here's some shampoo. Wash your hair with it and sing "I'm gonna wash that man right out of hair!" Three times and he'll stay far away from you after that.
RED
Really?
WITCHILDA
You bet your little red cape he will.
RED
Here's your snails.
WITCHILDA
And here's your shampoo.
(RED skips away happily. 2 pirate princesses enter, NO BEARD and SHORT JANE SILVER. They have a Mermaid with them and set her down)
NO BEARD
Ahoy there witch.
WITCHILDA
You pirates talk funny.
SILVER
We be the pirate princesses and we be seeking a way to catch Peter Pan.
NO BEARD
Captain Hook will give the pirate who catches him a map to a hidden treasure.
WITCHILDA
No pirate can resist a good map.
SILVER
Ay! It be true.
NO BEARD
That Peter Pan is mighty tricky. No one can seem to catch him- argh!
SILVER
Argh!
WITCHILDA
Argh!
ALL
Argh!
SILVER
Ye know a way?
WITCHILDA
Well Peter's thing is that he is a lost boy. So let's make him found. I have a magic compass that will keep him from ever getting lost again. And when is not lost, then he will be easy to find.
NO BEARD
Makes sense to me.
WITCHILDA
Thank goodness. I don't think I could say that again.
SILVER
Let's set sail for never land.
NO BEARD
Yo ho ho!
SILVER
Aye aye matey!
WITCHILDA
Pirates are so weird.
(Mermaid sees them go and cries)
WITCHILDA (CONT.)
Yo! Hey! You forgot your mermaid.
MERMAID
They're always forgetting about me. They leave me all kinds of weird places. On docks, on ships, in alleyways... just once I wish they'd leave me at the mall.
WITCHILDA
Well... have a good a deal for you my poor unfortunate soul. One ticket to the mall coming right up.
MERMAID
Wait... no... what I really want are legs.
WITCHILDA
Legs?
MERMAID
I want to stand and run and dance... I want to kick people.
WITCHILDA
Kick people?
MERMAID
And stomp on their toes.
WITCHILDA
Wow, you're an interesting one.
MERMAID
And I want to jog. Jogging looks cool. And play golf.
WITCHILDA
Golf's not cool.
MERMAID
How would I know? I can't walk! No legs! Duh!
WITCHILDA
Fine... two legs coming right up.
MERMAID
Two? Or three?
WITCHILDA
Two.
MERMAID
How about 12 toes?
WITCHILDA
10... like everyone else.
MERMAID
Whatever.
WITCHILDA
Get ready to run!
(WITCHILDA zaps her and sudden she can walk)
MERMAID
You did it!
WITCHILDA
Of course.
MERMAID
Gotta run!
(MERMAID gives her a snail and runs away)
WITCHILDA
Looks at all these lovely snails - yum - time to cook you my pretties - and some little hot dogs too!
END OF ACT I
WvP Act 1 Scene 1
WvP Act 1 Scene 2
WvP Act 1 Scene 3
WvP Act 2 Scene 1
WvP Act 2 Scene 2
WvP Act 2 Scene 3
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