The Pirate and the Princess
Copyright © 2015 All Rights Reserved
(Princess Fuchsia is on the balcony looking out at the audience which is the sea. Nanny approached her)
NANNY
Come inside. You'll catch your death of cold.
FUCHSIA
I can't get enough of the sea. I love the smell and the way the sun dances on the waters. Can't I go down to the beach?
NANNY
Them waters is dangerous miss. And you don't even know how to swim.
FUCHSIA
I just want to dip my foot in the water... feel it... I don't even know what it feels like! Stuck in this castle all the time. It drives me mad.
NANNY
But you're safe. There's so many dangers out there. It's not safe for any girl, especially not a princess.
FUCHSIA
What good is all this if I can't even enjoy life?
NANNY
You have way more than any other girl can dream of. You're spoiled.
FUCHSIA
You don't understand at all.
NANNY
I understand more than you know. I've been out there missy and it's not all it's cracked up to be. I've lost a lot being out there including my heart.
FUCHSIA
What? There's someone you love out there?
NANNY
But he broke my heart. He romanced me. Bought me gifts. Took me to the finest restaurants. Spoiled me rotten... then I found out where he got his fortunes... he was a pirate.
(Fuchsia is more excited than scared)
FUCHSIA
Oh my goonie gracious. A real pirate?!
NANNY
He stole my heart like he stole his treasures but broke it in the end. See... I couldn't love a pirate.
FUCHSIA
Why not?
NANNY
Why not?! Are you mad? That's no life for a woman of virtue.
FUCHSIA
Is it dangerous?
(FUCHSIA is excited at the idea)
NANNY
Very.
FUCHSIA
With lots of peril?
NANNY
That's the same thing, dear.
FUCHSIA
Never boring or dull?
NANNY
Now you stop with that talk. You should be scared of all that. Boring and dull suits me just fine. Better safe than sorry. Come back inside now. It's getting dark.
(Nanny goes inside but Fuchsia stays. Bones and Sly sneak up during the following and listen)
FUCHSIA
I'm not going inside until I see the sunset. The sunset is the most beautiful part of my day. Sure, daddy buys me whatever I want. I have all the lovely dresses and jewelry a girl could ever wish for but there's something about a sunset, so magical and unexpected... it's never the same. I treasure that magical moment when the sun touches the sea and sets it on fire. To touch the sea... How I long to feel the ocean waves... To be free to sail your waters... I would give anything to leave this tower and see where the sun sleeps on the edge of the world. It must be an amazing place... More magical than any place on earth. A warm and loving place. Somewhere I can be free.
(Fucshia goes inside and Bones and Sly come closer)
BONES
This is too easy. There's no guards or anything.
SLY
Easy? We spent two days exploring the town and two more days hiking and scouting around the cliffs surrounding the castle. And then it took an entire day to climb the cliffs to get to this spot.
(SLY looks and gets dizzy)
SLY (CONT.)
Don't look down, don't look down.
BONES
I told you that you could stay with the boat.
SLY
But it's fun hanging out with you.
BONES
You have a funny way of showing it; complaining the whole time.
SLY
I just don't understand why it took so long to get to this point.
BONES
I'm very careful, okay? And maybe I've enjoyed being on land for a change.
SLY
So that's what this is all about. You turned this into a little vacation for yourself.
BONES
Old Stinky said to take my time.
SLY
That's odd. I wonder why?
BONES
No clue. Seemed weird but I'm not complaining.
SLY
So you gonna go get the princess's pink jewel?
BONES
She doesn't sound like she cares much for jewels. Maybe we can make some kind of trade.
SLY
Trade?
BONES
What's something piratey we can give her? She seems excited about pirates. Maybe she'd like something of ours in trade for her jewel?
SLY
How about some smelly pirate socks?
BONES
Maybe she'd like my hat or something. Let's go ask her.
SLY
You're just going to waltz in there and talk to her.
BONES
Sure, why not?
SLY
And if she screams and alerts the guards.
BONES
We throw her into the sea.
SLY
Nice.
BONES
Here she comes. Stay hidden. Seeing two of so might scare her.
FUCHSIA
Good night, nanny. Sleep well. Yes, I'm in bed. No, I won't go outside again tonight.
(Fucshia comes out)
FUCHSIA (CONT.)
Evening star, wishing star, first star of night
I will share my wish with you tonight
I wish for adventure and a journey by sea
I wish to spread my wings and to be free
Make me someone new and transform me
Give me this secret wish, a pirate's life at sea
I will share my wish with you tonight
I wish for adventure and a journey by sea
I wish to spread my wings and to be free
Make me someone new and transform me
Give me this secret wish, a pirate's life at sea
(Bones comes out of hiding)
BONES
Perhaps I can make your wish come true.
FUCHSIA
Who... who are yo?
BONES
I’m your fairy godmother.
FUCHSIA
Really? You don’t look like a fairy godmother… you look more like…
(Fuchsia gasps)
BONES
A pirate.
FUCHSIA
A real pirate?
BONES
Ay! I be a pirate.
FUCHSIA
I've never seen a real pirate before. There are girl pirates too?
BONES
A few.
FUCHSIA
This is amazing. I've always wanted to meet a real pirate. Can you stay awhile and talk? I want to hear all about pirates and your adventures.
BONES
Well, uh... I guess I can stay... so you're not afraid?
FUCHSIA
Should I be?
BONES
Depends... I'm hear to make a trade. I need something you've got and I'd be happy to trade my time and some pirate tales and even my hat for something of yours.
FUCHSIA
What is it you seek?
BONES
A rare pink jewel. About this big.
FUCHSIA
Oh, that one. It's so gaudy. I hate it.
BONES
So you'll give it to me?
FUCHSIA
For a trade…
BONES
No problem... here's my hat and get ready for some amazing tales from the sea.
FUCHSIA
No, we trade for something else. I want us to trade places.
BONES
Huh?
FUCHSIA
We look a little bit alike. Same age. Similar height. I can do you all up in a wig and makeup and such. I'm always dressing up and playing pretend. They hardly ever let me out of my room so it's just my nanny you need to fool really. And I can wear your stuff and mess myself up a bit... get some dirt on my face... finally some dirt on my face!
BONES
So I could stay here... in your room... free hot meals…
FUCHSIA
All you can eat.
BONES
Warm baths?
FUCHSIA
As warm as you like.
BONES
And comfy pillows?
FUCHSIA
It will be like sleeping on clouds.
BONES
You really want to be a pirate?
FUCHSIA
I've dreamed about it since forever. This would be a dream come try.
BONES
It's not easy.
FUCHSIA
I'm tired of easy.
BONES
You'll get so dirty you'll forget what it's like to be clean.
FUCHSIA
I hate taking baths.
BONES
This just might work.
(SLY comes out of hiding)
FUCHSIA
Oh! My! Another pirate! And a boy!
SLY
Sorry if I scared you miss, but I had to put a stop to this.
BONES
Sly, please. I need a break. I'm drowning out there. I need some solid ground. I need to relax. I need to be pampered. I know it seems like I’m rough and tough but I am still a girl under all this dirt. Besides, she won’t turn over the jewel we need unless we do the switch.
SLY
What if we just take it from her?
(Sly suddenly moves toward the Princess who shrieks and then the Princess grabs something and hits him over the head. He falls to the floor)
BONES
You okay, Sly?
SLY
She packs a wallop.
FUCHSIA
I have training in hand to hand combat. Father doesn’t believe in a princess being helpless. I can hold my own in a fight.
SLY
I think she hits harder than you, Bones.
BONES
Oh, yeah?
(Bones punches him)
SLY
Okay, maybe not.
BONES
This is Sly…
SLY
Her friend.
BONES
My associate.
SLY
Brother in arms.
BONES
Guilty by association.
FUCHSIA
I've never been around pirates before. I thought they'd be scarier.
BONES
He's had a bath recently. He gets way scarier.
SLY
Funny.
BONES
I thought so.
FUCHSIA
So how do I become a pirate?
SLY
You're really going through with this?
(Bones looks at Fuchsia who nods then Sly who scowls at her. Then back again. Fuchsia pulls out some perfume and sprays it. Bones smells it and gives a big smile)
BONES
I am!
FUCHSIA
Huzzah!
SLY
This is crazy.
BONES
Now we need to teach you to be a pirate. Sly will be there to help but you need a few tips from a real pirate first.
SLY
Hey!
BONES
You're still in training, Sly. I'm about to be a full fledged pirate... especially if I... I mean her... she... whatever... when she brings back that jewel, we'll be the real deal.
FUCHSIA
This is so exciting.
(She claps and jumps happily)
SLY
She'll never pull it off. She's too girly.
BONES
Lesson 1... you can't be happy.
FUCHSIA
Never?
BONES
Never. Pirates are always grumpy and if something good happens, they growl and get angry. It might look like they are excited but they're not. They're angry that it wasn't better. And they'll stay angry until all the treasures of the world are theirs. And then the anger dies down, they get grumpy again.
FUCHSIA
This will be hard... because I will be having so much fun... but I will try.
BONES
Lesson 2... no baths, no washing, no cleaning up, no perfume…
(Bones takes perfume from her and sprays herself happily. Bones sprays a little on Sly and he coughs)
SLY
That's awful.
FUCHSIA
No perfume? Not even a little?
BONES
None. Pirate's take pride in their stench. It's like a contest or something. And it makes it easier when everyone smells bad. If you're the only one who smells good, it's rough. It's better to blend in the bad smells... it's like an orchestra of stink. If someones out of tune, it throws off the balance.
SLY
Well said.
FUCHSIA
I shall adapt.
BONES
Lesson number... the next one…
SLY
Three, sir.
BONES
Whatever. You have to stop being so girly. Female pirates are the roughest, toughest, leanest, meanest human beings... nay... creatures! ...to ever travel the sea. If a male steals one gold, you steal two. If a male cuts off one finger, you cut off two.
FUCHSIA
Oh!
BONES
Too much for ye?
(Fuchsia smiles)
FUCHSIA
I'll adapt.
SLY
Me thinks she likes this a little too much.
BONES
Maybe she'll be okay.
FUCHSIA
More than okay... these will be the best days of my life so far!
BONES
So it's a deal then?
FUCHSIA
Wait... you're not ready to be a princess. My adventure depends on how successful you are in fooling everyone here.
BONES
Nothing to it. I just sit around, taking baths, putting on perfume and eating chocolates.
(Bones finds some chocolate and eats it)
BONES (CONT.)
Oh, that's good.
(Sly tries to take some and Bones slaps his hand)
BONES (CONT.)
My chocolate.
FUCHSIA
I don't stay in the tower all the time. One of your duties is to greet and entertain guests at the upcoming royal ball.
BONES
Oh dear. You think I can fool everyone?
FUCHSIA
Ask that it be a costume party. That's not a strange thing for me to request. I love to dress up. And be sure to select a costume with a mask.
(Fuchsia runs in her room and then returns quickly with a funny mask. She puts it on Bones. Sly laughs)
BONES
Seems simple enough.
FUCHSIA
You must also make your grand entrance. Let's see your walk.
(Bones slouches and takes heavy steps. Sly chuckles)
FUCHSIA (CONT.)
You need a lot of work.
BONES
It's hard walking on a ship in the middle of the ocean. I have a certain technique to keep me steady.
FUCHSIA
A princess must float and glide through the air like this.
(Fuchsia does a pretty walk. Sly nods in approval)
SLY
Nice.
FUCHSIA
Thank you.
(Bones tries to glide and float but looks very silly)
FUCHSIA
A little better.
SLY
Really?
FUCHSIA
Then you must greet each guest.
(Fuchsia holds her hand to Sly and does a curtsy. Sly shakes it hard)
SLY
Nice to meet ya!
FUCHSIA
No, no, no. You give me a kiss on my hand.
(Sly gets shy but gives her a kiss on the hand. Their eyes meet a moment and they smile and then look away. Bones gives Sly a dirty look. She turns to Bones)
FUCHSIA
Now you try.
BONES
Fine.
(Bones does a silly floating walk up to Sly. She holds out her hand and does an odd curtsy. Sly is nervous about kissing her hand.)
BONES (CONT.)
Go ahead... I won't hit you.
(Sly kisses her hand and then makes a weird face and spits)
SLY
What is on your hand? Yuck.
(Bones laughs)
FUCHSIA
You need some help... I know! My whipping boy!
BONES
Whipping boy?
FUCHSIA
Whenever I was bad, they'd spank my whipping boy instead of me.
SLY
And I thought pirates were ruthless. That's terrible.
FUCHSIA
Don't criticize what you don't understand.
BONES
So how is this whipping boy going to help?
FUCHSIA
He and I are good friends actually.
BONES
Why in the world do you have a whipping boy? And why would he be your friend?
FUCHSIA
Every princess needs a whipping boy. He was a present for my 3rd birthday I think. My twos were pretty terrible and they needed some way to punish me... Or maybe to take out their frustrations... They picked a nice servant boy I liked... We used to play together... They thought if I saw him getting whipped for something I did I would feel bad. They were right. I felt terrible. It's horrible watching someone you like getting hurt for something you did wrong.
I always tried to make it up to him if he got whipped in my place. I never liked to see him hurt so I tried to be good... most of the time. When I messed up and he got punished, then I'd try to do nice things for him, like save him some of my favorite foods or give him a little present. He ended up looking forward to me getting in trouble because I was so nice after. He's even tricked me in to being naughty so he'd get punished and then rewarded. I wasn't quite as nice that time. I don't like being tricked.
BONES
He sounds like pirate material to me.
FUCHSIA
Nope, he says he gets seasick. It's hard for him to even come out here on the balcony and watch the ocean, it makes him so sick.
SLY
Not pirate material.
BONES
So how does one end up becoming a whipping boy?
FUCHSIA
His parents probably had some terrible debts and they gave him up as payment.
SLY
What an awful way to settle a debt? Owe too much money? Give us your first born child!
FUCHSIA
He said his family was very poor and that living in the castle was a dream come true.
BONES
Even if it means he gets whipped and beat up.
SLY
He must have had it pretty bad.
FUCHSIA
I take good care of him. He'll be happy to help you. He owes me.
BONES
If you say so…
FUCHSIA
You two hide... I'll see if I can find him.
(Sly and Bones go off to the rocks and Fuchsia disappears inside)
SLY
Have you gone mad?
BONES
It's win, win... win. Stinky gets the pink jewel, I get a little bit of luxury and Fuchsia gets an adventure.
SLY
What about me? What do I get out of the deal?
BONES
Maybe you'll get the princess.
SLY
What?!
BONES
I saw the way you two looked at each other. She thinks you're cute.
SLY
Really? Wait... no. I doubt it.
BONES
Handsome pirate like you... how can she resist?
SLY
Handsome? You resist all the time.
BONES
You're not my type.
SLY
What is your type?
(The whipping boy, Spud, enters with Fuchsia)
BONES
I don't know yet.
FUCHSIA
I need a big favor, Spud.
SPUD
Anything for you, Princess.
FUCHSIA
It's a secret though. You must swear not to tell anyone. Not even Nanny. In fact you'll have to trick her most of all.
SPUD
I am loyal to you most of all. I will do anything you ask.
FUCHSIA
Anything?
SPUD
I give you my word and my life.
FUCHSIA
You are a good boy, Spud.
SPUD
You praise me too much. You honor me with your trust in what sounds like a very important task.
FUCHSIA
Okay, you two can come out now.
(Sly and Bones appear. Spud jumps back but stands between them and the princess, ready to defend her)
SPUD
Pirates!
FUCHSIA
It's okay. They're friends.
SPUD
How did you make such... friends?
FUCHSIA
Well... they made me a deal that I can't refuse.
SPUD
Dealing with pirates is like dealing with the devil.
BONES
I thought you said he'd be okay with this?
FUCHSIA
You will be... won't you, Spud?
SPUD
If it's what you wish, then it is what I will do.
FUCHSIA
It is my greatest wish... adventure.
SPUD
That is your greatest wish... you've told me of this dream many times. And these two will grant it?
FUCHSIA
They will.
SPUD
How?
FUCHSIA
I will trade places with this girl.
BONES
Hi... I'm Bones.
(She starts to go toward him pirate wise for a shake of the hands, but switches to her odd princess glide and tries to bow and holds out her hand. Spud reluctantly takes her hand and is about it kiss it)
SLY
I wouldn't do that if I were you?
SPUD
Why? Is she yours?
(Bones pulls away her hand)
BONES
I belong to no one.
FUCHSIA
You will help Bones become me.
SPUD
What? That's impossible.
FUCHSIA
I know it won't be easy but if we're clever about it, she can do it. We are about the same age and the same height... same hair color.
SPUD
I suppose if she plays dress up a lot, like you do sometimes.
FUCHSIA
That's a wonderful idea.
(To Bones)
FUCHSIA (CONT.)
I sometimes play dress up and wear costumes and masks and talk in silly voices. It drives Nanny mad. She totally avoids me when I act like that.
BONES
Perfect. Well done, Spud.
SPUD
I am pleased to serve.
FUCHSIA
Pretend like you're Lady Cuckoo and "talk like this."
(Fuchsia talks funny at the last part. Bones tries)
BONES
"'ello... I'm Lady Cuckoo and I talk like this."
FUCHSIA
Wonderful. This will work. Well done, Spud. Now we need to get each other dressed.
BONES
"Lady Cuckoo is ready!"
(Bones and Fuchsia exit inside. Spud looks Sly over)
SPUD
So who are you?
SLY
Sly's me name. Pirating's me game.
SPUD
That all it is to you... a game?
SLY
Sometimes.
SPUD
Even when people get hurt?
SLY
It's all part of the fun.
SPUD
Horrible. I can't believe the princess wants to go with you.
SLY
I'll take good care of her.
SPUD
You better.
SLY
That a threat?
SPUD
It is.
SLY
Oh yeah.
(Sly pulls out a knife or sword. Spud is lightning fast and grabs Sly's hand and squeezes hard. Sly drops this weapon)
SLY (CONT.)
Hey! Stop it.
SPUD
Useless pirate.
(Spud lets go)
SLY
What's the big idea?
SPUD
I'm sorry... I'm just worried about the princess. This is too dangerous.
SLY
I can keep her safe.
SPUD
If something happens to her... then something will happen to Bones. You get my drift?
SLY
Uh... yeah.
SPUD
Bring her back to me, please.
SLY
You like her, don't you? A lot.
SPUD
More than life itself.
SLY
Have you told her that?
SPUD
Every day. She thinks it's silly... funny even. I know she could never love a servant, but I can't help but love her.
SLY
That's rough.
SPUD
So you can see how important it is to me that she stay safe.
SLY
I do. I promise, first sign of danger, I'll get her off the ship and back here. In fact, once she delivers the jewel, there's no reason I can't turn around and bring her right back.
SPUD
Jewel? What jewel?
SLY
Some big pink thing.
SPUD
Why are you taking that? It's worth a fortune.
SLY
That's what our captain wants and what Fuchsia offered to us in exchange for changing places with Bones.
SPUD
I have a bad feeling about this.
(Bones and Fuchsia return in different clothes. Fuchsia has Bones' pirate clothes plus a patch over her eye and Bones is in a silly princess outfit)
SLY
Not bad.
FUCHSIA
Do I look piratey enough?
SLY
Yo ho ho.
FUCHSIA
I will take that as a yes.
BONES
How do I look?
SLUG
Never has there been a princess such as you to walk this Earth.
BONES
Works for me.
SLY
Got the pink jewel?
FUCHSIA
Got it.
(She opens her bag. Sly is in awe)
SLY
Will you look at that?
BONES
Very impressive.
SPUD
And very expensive.
FUCHSIA
Everything daddy gives me is expensive. This won't be missed.
SPUD
Let's hope not.
FUCHSIA
Ready for some adventure?!
SLY
Ay!
FUCHSIA
Then we be off. Take good care of Bones, Spud.
SPUD
I will, Princess.
(Spud pulls aside Sly)
SPUD
And you take good care of the Princess.
SLY
Pirate's honor.
SPUD
There's no such thing.
SLY
For her sake, you better hope their is.
FUCHSIA
I've never been rock climbing before. This will be fun.
(She's gone)
SLY
Wait for me!
(Sly follows. Spud watches them go worried. Bones goes up to him)
BONES
I know Sly doesn't seem like much but he's a good guy. Not very piratey at all.
SPUD
I hope not.
BONES
He's very loyal too. He's a good friend. You can count on him.
SPUD
I appreciate you saying that. I just wish I could believe it.
BONES
You care a lot about the Princess don't you?
SPUD
More than you can imagine.
BONES
But you're her whipping boy. She messes up and you get beaten. Why would that inspire loyalty?
SPUD
She is very good to me. She treats me as a friend, not a servant. Life with her has been so much better than what I had before.
BONES
I see what you mean. This place is amazing... the chocolate... I can't stop eating it... I have never tasted anything so sweet. And the perfume... I never thought anything could smell so good. And I really really want to take a bath. Will the water really be warm?
SPUD
Servants are heating water as we speak.
BONES
Is it really almost bath time? I'm in Heaven.
SPUD
But the nanny gives you the bath. How will you bathe and still fool her?
BONES
Hmm... leave that to me.
(Bones puts on her mask goes inside)
BONES (CONT.)
Lady Cuckoo wants her bath alone. I don't want to hear a single moan. Shoo shoo all of you. Or I will kick you until you're black and blue!
(Nanny comes out on balcony)
NANCY
Fine, I will wait out here but I will come right back in there if I hear you drowning.
BONES (OFF)
Always frowning on my drowning!
NANNY
She is very odd at times.
SPUD
Tell me about it. And I have a feeling she will be weirder than usual.
NANNY
What's that in the distance?
SPUD
I don't see anything.
NANNY
Is that a ship? I don't like the look of that one.
SPUD
What's wrong with it?
NANNY
I knew a man who sailed a ship like that once. A pirate!
SPUD
You don't like pirates?
NANNY
They stole my love from me.
SPUD
What happened?
NANNY
They lured him with talk of adventure and riches. Yes, we were poor but I was happy. I didn't want anything more. We had enough. But I guess it was only enough for me... I should have told him that. I wish I had said that more. I think he wanted to get rich so he could marry me. But I would have married him no matter how poor he was.
SPUD
But he left anyway.
NANNY
Life wasn't interesting enough with I guess. Oh, who'd want a boring old lady like me?
SPUD
I wonder if he got the adventure he was looking for?
NANNY
I don't know and I don't care. I hope his ship sank.
SPUD
You don't mean that.
NANNY
Maybe I do. Those pirates are bad news. They promise adventure but only bring hurt and sadness to all who dare cross their paths. Doom on all those who tangle with pirates. Doom.
(Nanny goes back inside)
BONES (OFF)
Lady Cuckoo wants to be alone!
NANNY (OFF)
Keep your bubbles. I ain't looking.
BONES (OFF)
Away with you!
NANNY
I'm leaving.
SPUD
Doom? Oh, Fuchsia, what have I done?
BONES (OFF)
Lady Cuckoo was so cuckoo because she ate a cuckoo pie.
END OF SCENE
GO TO SCENE 3
