The Pirate and the Princess
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(FUCHSIA follows SLY)
FUCHSIA
This is so exciting. I’ve always wanted to do something really wonderful for nanny. She has been so good to me over the years and I know if I can pull this off and bring her the one true love of her life, I’ll make her happier than she’s ever been.
SLY
Do you ever stop talking?
FUCHSIA
Every good princess must be able to converse with ease.
SLY
Now I know why princesses and pirates don’t get along.
FUCHSIA
Oh, what’s the matter grumpy guppy?
SLY
My rank is polliwog not guppy.
FUCHSIA
What’s the matter my pouty polliwog?
SLY
Stop with the cuteness!
FUCHSIA
So they going to have some kind of party for me since I’m being a full pirate?
SLY
Yes, the party is after the test… if you pass.
FUCHSIA
I’m a good student. I pass all my tests.
SLY
Prepare to get your first failing grade.
(STINKY enters)
STINKY
Bones… prepare yeself… your final challenge is about to begin.
FUCHSIA
Yo ho ho!
SLY
She’s doomed.
(A really big female pirate who looks mean and scary enters named Big BERTHA)
BERTHA
Where be Bones?
(FUSHCIA is scared. SLY pushes her forward)
SLY
Here she be.
BERTHA
So ye thinks ye be a pirate eh?
(FUSHCIA is frozen with year)
BERTHA
Speak or be splattered!
FUCHSIA
Splattered?
BERTHA
Crushed and splattered.
FUCHSIA
Sounds messy.
SLY
It is. I’ve seen her do it. You have to stand up to her. That’s part of the challenge.
FUCHSIA
How do I do that?
SLY
Talk back… don’t Princesses ever talk back.
FUCHSIA
When we’re really cranky.
SLY
Get cranky… or get dead.
FUCHSIA
I’ll try.
BERTHA
You not be a pirate. You just be a little girl.
FUCHSIA
Takes one to know one.
(SLY rolls his eyes)
SLY
Nice one.
FUCHSIA
Thanks.
BERTHA
How can this be the great Bones? You are about as scary as baby dolphin.
FUCHSIA
And you’re… as ugly as an octopus.
BERTHA
Ha! You even insult like a little girl.
FUCHSIA
You know what you need? A makeover. You actually have nice eyes and with a good facial, you could really glow… and turn a few pirate eyes if you know what I mean.
BERTHA
What blasted nonsense are you talkin about?
FUCHSIA
It must be tough being a pirate gal these days. And very lonely.
BERTHA
I don’t care for nothing… I don’t need nothing…
FUCHSIA
We all need something… and you need some attention don’t you… you’re hair… those nails… those teeth… you’re just crying for help.
BERTHA
No one helps me but myself.
FUCHSIA
There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little help sometimes. Give me an hour… maybe two… maybe a day… and I could transform you into the most dazzling pirate woman in the seven seas. You want to get noticed? You want to turn heads? You want respect?
BERTHA
Ay… it be hard for a pirate woman to get respect round here.
FUCHSIA
So stop trying to look like them… stop trying to be like them… be yourself and be greater than then… you are woman… let them hear you roar.
BERTHA
Roar!
FUCHSIA
That was a figure of speech but an actual roar works too. So what do you say? You want to dazzle? You want respect? You want to beat these men at their game or leave them speechless?
BERTHA
Ay!
FUCHSIA
Then come with me. We have some work to do girl.
(FUCHSIA exits with BERTHA. STINKY goes up to SLY)
STICKY
What just happened?
SLY
I don’t know.
END OF SCENE
