The Pirate and the Princess
Copyright © 2015 All Rights Reserved
BONES
Time for my nap.
SPUD
But you slept in. How can you sleep again?
BONES
I’m making up for lost time. How much sleep do you think I get on a pirate ship?
SPUD
But you have royal duties.
BONES
Royal what?
SPUD
Duties.
BONES
I made you say doodies.
SPUD
You’re so weird.
BONES
But I’m the princess… I don’t really have to do anything important, do I?
SPUD
Of course you do. What if something were to happen to the King? You’re next in line to the throne.
BONES
What?
SPUD
Well, Fuchsia is, and that’s why she has her royal duties. It prepares her for ruling the kingdom one day.
BONES
But I can’t do royal stuff… unless it’s a royal flush in poker or being a royal pain.
SPUD
You’re really good at being a royal pain.
BONES
I just want baths and sleeps and eats. I don’t want any chores. I’m sick of chores.
SPUD
Duties.
BONES
Same thing.
SPUD
Shall I read your list of duties for today?
BONES
You can read?
SPUD
You can’t?
BONES
I’m not saying.
SPUD
That could be a problem. I suppose that means you can’t write either. So much for letter writing today.
BONES
Letter writing?
SPUD
Thank you notes and such.
BONES
Thank you notes? Who writes thank you notes?
SPUD
Princesses.
BONES
Yuck.
SPUD
Then you have tea with Ambassador Melrose, his wife and children.
BONES
Tea? Will there be sweets?
SPUD
Maybe but you can’t eat them like you’ve been eating everything else here. You have to be proper.
BONES
Proper and pompous… boring.
SPUD
Then you have your music lessons.
BONES
What kind of music lessons?
SPUD
Singing. Can you sing?
(BONES sings a pirate song)
SPUD
Lovely.
BONES
Thanks… I’m well known at sea for my crooning.
SPUD
Oh, here’s a fun one. You have to entertain your little cousin, Princess Petunia.
BONES
Oh, great.
SPUD
Yeah, she’s one of a kind.
BONES
I don’t like your tone of voice. What’s wrong with her?
SPUD
You’ll see.
BONES
Some help you are.
SPUD
Maybe if you weren’t so difficult, I would be more helpful.
BONES
What if I refuse to do them?
SPUD
Then I get whipped.
BONES
Fine.
SPUD
What?
BONES
Go get whipped. I’m not doing any of it.
SPUD
Don’t you care at all what happens to me?
BONES
I’ve been whipped, stabbed, jabbed and punched more times than I can count. And getting whipped is your job. So go get whipped.
SPUD
Fine… you know what? I’ll tell them you’re ill or something.
BONES
Good boy.
SPUD
Wow, pirates are terrible as I thought they’d be. You’re a piece of work.
BONES
Thank you… now scoot before I give you a good whoopin’ myself.
(SPUD bows)
SPUD
Your lowness.
(SPUD exits. BONES sighs when she is alone…)
BONES
I miss Sly… I wonder how Fuchsia is doing?
END OF SCENE
