The Pirate and the Princess
Copyright © 2015 All Rights Reserved
SLY
So you survived the challenge?
FUCHSIA
Yes.
SLY
By giving Big Bertha a makeover?
FUCHSIA
Yes.
SLY
I don’t understand anything anymore.
STINKY
I understand.
SLY
You do?
STINKY
This isn’t Bones is it?
SLY
Sure it is.
STINKY
Where is she? And who is this?
FUCHSIA
I’m Princess Fuchsia.
STINKY
From the castle? THE Princess Fuchsia… heir to the throne?
FUCHSIA
The one and the same.
STINKY
I should throw you in the brig. You’d make a mighty fine hostage. We could ransom you for a King’s fortune.
SLY
I captured her…
FUCHSIA
What?
SLY
Play along… I’ll get you out of this.
FUCHSIA
I captured her and I get to say what’s what with my prison. That be the pirate law.
STINKY
Ay… but you’re not a pirate yet are ye?
SLY
I’m close.
STINKY
Not close enough. So I’ll be taking her as my prisoner… to the brig.
(SPUD rushes on board. He is very seasick but trying to appear ready. He has a sword)
SPUD
Unhand her, scoundrel!
STINKY
Who are you?
SPUD
I’m Spud and I’m here to rescue Fuchsia.
FUCHSIA
Really?
STINKY
You a prince or something?
FUCHSIA
He is in my book.
SPUD
Alas, I am but a humble servant… but I have sworn to protect her with my life.
STINKY
Kill him, Sly.
SLY
What?
STINKY
You want to be a pirate? Then kill him.
SLY
Uh… okay.
(SLY goes after SPUD with a sword)
FUCHSIA
No!
SLY
Sorry, Fuchsia. I know we have become friends. And I know you care for Spud, but I am a pirate first and I must defend my ship. And I never avoid a good fight, even if my opponent is outmatched by my skill as a swordsman...
(SPUD quickly knocks the sword out of his hand and knocks him down and pins him with his foot and points the sword at him)
STINKY
Get him Bertha!
(BERTHA enters and is done up all pretty)
BERTHA
I don’t feel like fighting anymore. I might break a nail.
STINKY
This is madness!
(STINKY goes after SPUD. They have a dramatic sword fight. STINKY overpowers SPUD and knocks his sword away)
FUCHSIA
No!
(SLY holds her back)
STINKY
Any last words?
(NANNY enters with BONES)
NANNY
Please wait!
(STINKY stops and is shocked)
STINKY
Janice?
NANNY
Yes… it’s me, Eugene.
(STINKY takes her hands and they walk off stage or upstage during the following)
SLY
Eugene? That’s Stinky’s real name?
STINKY
What are you doing here?
NANNY
A very unusual girl brought me here.
BONES
That’s me... Bones the Unusual.
SLY
What are you doing here?
BONES
I got bored of being pampered. But I had a bath and I should be good for another month or two.
SLY
It’s good to have you back… I missed you…
BONES
Well, I didn’t miss you… much.
SPUD
How did you get out of the castle?
BONES
Well, the Nanny there found me out thanks to that little brat Petunia. So I jumped off the balcony and climbed down the cliff. But then the guards had me surrounded at the bottom. So I convinced the Nanny to loan me a boat so we could rescue Fuchsia.
SPUD
I was rescuing Fuchsia.
BONES
I figured you’d need some help.
SLY
You were right.
FUCHSIA
Don’t listen to them Spud. I thought you were very brave.
SPUD
But I failed you, princess.
FUCHSIA
But you came and risked your life… that means so much to me.
SPUD
You humble me with your kind words.
BONES
So what’s the deal with Stinky and the nanny.
FUCHSIA
They are long lost loves. You’ve brought them together again.
BONES
Is that the woman Stinky is always blubbering about.
FUCHSIA
It is.
BONES
Well, what do you know.
FUCHSIA
Looks like you’re a matchmaker.
BONES
A matchwhater?
FUCHSIA
A matchmaker. You brought two lonely hearts together.
BONES
Ew. I did that. Gross.
FUCHSIA
Maybe you brought more lonely hearts together than that.
(FUCHSIA takes SPUD by the hand)
SPUD
But princess…
FUCHSIA
Row me home, Spud?
SPUD
Of course.
FUCHSIA
Slowly.
SPUD
I brought you parasol and a picnic.
FUCHSIA
You’re amazing as usual.
(BONES and SLY watch them go. NANNY and STINKY come forward)
NANNY
Come home with me… I miss you.
STINKY
I be missing you too.
NANNY
I would do anything to have you home again.
STINKY
Even rub my feet?
NANNY
Even rub your feet.
STINKY
You give the best foot rubs. Let’s go home. You have the bridge, Bertha.
BERTHA
Ay! Ay!
(NANNY and STINKY leave)
SLY
Wow, I feel sorry for any woman who has to rub those feet.
BONES
That’s true love.
SLY
True love indeed.
(SLY looks at BONES)
BONES
The only I love I have is the sea.
SLY
Yeah… me too.
BERTHA
Set sail for Paris! I want to do some shopping.
(BERTHA exits)
BONES
It’s good to be home.
END OF PLAY
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ISBN-13: 978-1515169765
